Everything I Learned From A Pickup Artist — And Why It's Terrible Advice

A few nights ago, I stumbled across some old clips from The Pickup Artist.

In case you don't recall, The Pickup Artist was a reality show that premiered on VH1 in 2007. It starred a man named "Mystery" (real name Erik von Markovik) who claims to be a master pick-up artist. Throughout the show, Mystery and his wingmen — Matador and J-Dog — are on a mission to turn a bunch of dorky dudes into absolute p*ssy slayers.

Remember the 2005 blockbuster Hitch starring Will Smith / Kevin James? Picture that film except make it cringey and repulsive.

Anyway, the show begins with Mystery sending the nerds into a night club for an opportunity to show what they're working with. We then watch the guys utterly crash and burn as they attempt to approach and converse with women.

Once thoroughly humiliated, they tuck their tails and head back to the Mystery cave. Good news, fellas — the master is going to take you under his wing. Mystery and his buddies then waltz into the club and show them how it's done.

The rest of the season is dedicated to turning this group of goofballs into certified panty droppers.

Are you intrigued? I sure was. Now, I'm no Mystery, but I do have a cool code name — Womansplainer. And if you'll allow me, I'm going to walk you through his method.

Let's Play ‘The Game’

This asinine reality show is based on a 2005 New York Times bestselling book called The Game.

Written by Neil Strauss — an actual student of Mystery — The Game is considered to be the bible of how to bang as many chicks as possible. And I do mean The Bible. The first edition of the book is leather-bound with gold-embossed lettering and an attached red-ribbon bookmark.

Serious business.

Now, before we go any further, I need to paint a picture of this Mystery fellow. Imagine a cross between Criss Angel and Tommy Lee, but take away the money and the talent. He's tall, pale and skinny with a soul patch and black-painted fingernails. He always wears a top hat.

With that image of your mentor in mind, let's dive into the step-by-step process to going from total doofus to master of seduction.

1. Select a Target

This is pretty self-explanatory: You identify the attractive woman you'd like to seduce. Mystery suggests those who are dressed in bright colors or skimpy clothing — or just girls standing physically near you. 

Brilliant. This is why he's the master.

Chick magnets Mystery and Matador

(Photo by Ray Tamarra/Getty Images)

2. Approach and Open & Demonstrate Value

Strauss explains that women are sick of guys asking the same generic questions: Where are you from? What do you do for work?

Instead, he suggests opening with a question where you ask the woman her opinion on something. Nothing heavy, like the Israeli-Hamas war or border security. Rather, lay-ups like, What gifts do women like to receive from guys? Or Who lies more, men or women?

Another suggested tactic is to "quiz her," like "My friends and I were trying to name the five oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Arctic… what's the last one?"

Sure, it's a little silly and women are definitely going to know you were looking for an excuse to talk to them. But trust me when I say this is the only decent advice in the book. Start an interesting — not mundane and repetitive — conversation to get her talking. Great!

But then he goes and ruins it.

This is where we learn all about "negging." That means giving her a back-handed compliment or a slightly offensive remark in order to lower her self-esteem so that she will want to win your approval.

In just a few pages, we went from start meaningful communication to pretend to give her a compliment when you're actually denigrating her so that you can manipulate the situation and establish dominance.

Strauss suggested doing things like bringing a small blacklight to the club so you could show the woman how much dust or lint was on her clothing. Better yet, just bring some lint with you and pretend to pull it off her clothes. Kind of like the ol' quarter-behind-the-ear trick your weird uncle used to do at family gatherings.

I'm not just being a smart ass. The lint tactic is actually outlined in the book.

Some other examples of negging in the book:

• "I think your hair would look better up."
• "Is that a wig? Oh well, it looks nice anyway."
• "Those shoes look really comfortable."
• "You kind of have man hands."

Yep, fellas that'll do it. Just tell her she has man hands and she'll be putty in your man hands!

Negging is really just punching up to bring someone down to your level. It's an insecure tactic that will only work on insecure women. Which very well might have been the case when Mystery's "targets" were 21-year-old drunk girls in Los Angeles nightclubs.

I used to date a loser who tried this strategy on me. It was back when I was doing bodybuilding competitions, and I was shredded like a bag of cheddar. He said things like, "I know you work hard, but your abs aren't very feminine" or "You'd look way better with some meat on your bones."

That's when I informed him that he'd look way better without a rapidly receding hairline and that big ol' abdominal hernia he can't afford to fix. And then he no longer had the honor of parking in my driveway.

Bottom line: Negging is a stupid idea. Don't do it. Unless you want to spend the evening with Gayle King, a bottle of lotion and a crunchy sock.

3. Disarm the Obstacles, Isolate The Target & Create An Emotional Connection

Let me tell you about my 24-year-old niece. We'll call her Beth. I love Beth to Jupiter and back, but she doesn't always make the best decisions when she's drinking. And to be fair, none of us do.

One particular night a couple years ago, my cousin Ellie (an off-duty police officer) and I went with Beth to a club in Indianapolis. It was around midnight, and absolutely nothing good happens at bars after midnight. As a group of three women by ourselves, we were approached constantly by men — possibly disciples of Mystery.

Despite our objections, we were brought several free shots. All of which Ellie and I promptly grabbed and threw over our shoulders or into the trash. Beth (being young and naive) was furious at us for refusing free alcohol. I told Beth I'd be happy to buy her whatever drink she wanted — but I would watch the bartender make it, and I would bring it to her personally.

Mystery and his pupils would have loved Beth. But they would have hated Amber and Ellie. Because the next few chapters of The Game are all about how to separate your target from "alpha females" or male friends who want to cockblock you.

Down To The Brass Tax

OK, OK The Game does NOT tell you to roofie or rape women. But with the entire book centering around nightclub culture, there are legitimate concerns about sobriety and consent.

I'll also step back for a moment and clarify that neither Neil Strauss nor Mystery are claiming to help you find love or a meaningful relationship. This is strictly a hook-up guide.

Which brings us to the next step.

4. Extract to a Seductive Location, Pump The Temperature & Make a Physical Connection

Again, self-explanatory. Get her alone, get her excited and get touchy-feely.

I especially loved his massage advice: Once you've gotten her back to your (or her) place, ask her for a massage. Once she starts rubbing you down, tell her she's doing it wrong (hello, negging) and then tell her you will demonstrate how to do it correctly. That's when you get to massage her.

Mr. Strauss, Mr. von Markovik… my brothers in Christ… this is the most unnecessary advice in the history of unnecessary advice. 

The guy already has her back at his place, and she's giving him a massage. He doesn't need "game" anymore. He's done it. He wins. Do not pass go, do not collect $100, and do not screw this up.

5. Blast Last-Minute Resistance & Manage Expectations

Last-minute resistance is what happens when you go home — maybe you're kissing or touching — but she is resisting or delaying sex.

Naturally, Strauss' advice is to back off and be respectful of her boundaries, right? Because it's completely reasonable that she doesn't want to have sex with someone she met two hours ago, right?

No, no.

If she is resisting sex, our author suggests you throw a silent tantrum by "freezing her out." That's when you completely ignore her and go do your own thing in the house, like start a load of laundry or play video games. This strategy will either make her leave (and stop wasting your time) or persuade her to re-initiate and beg for your man meat.

And if you do close the deal, it's time to disassociate. Send her on her way, lose her number, and definitely don't give her any indication that you plan to enter a committed relationship.

This is actual advice that was printed in a book that sold millions of copies and was billed as the ultimate guide for men.

And y'all wonder why feminists exist.

Does Any Of This Sound Familiar?

As I read and laughed my way through this pick-up artist nonsense, I couldn't help but think that it sounded familiar. And then it hit me…

It's "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System"!

If you're an Always Sunny fan, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're not, take a few minutes to watch.

Nailed it.

Let's open the mailbag.

Justin Has Beef With My Mother's Day Guide

Do all these moms just hate their kids or…?

Amber:

I'm going to take a wild guess that Justin doesn't have children.

For my "Dad's Guide to Mother's Day" last week, I surveyed dozens of mothers to ask what they really want for Mother's Day. The answers indicated that they wanted a break — a day to sleep in, have some quiet time and not do any cooking or cleaning.

That does not mean these women hate their kids. That means being a mother is hard work (so is being a father), and Mom deserves a day to rest and recharge. She might be a superhero, but she's still human.

Tom Wants To Know…

Well… did your husband do any of these things for you for Mother's Day, Miss Womansplainer?

Amber:

He did not — because we don't have kids. I do have a 15-year-old dog, but she rudely forgot to get me a present.

I'm just kidding. I don't actually celebrate Dog Mom's Day.

Tyler Has Off-The-Charts Brownie Points Now

Amber, I owe you one. I already planned a great Mother's Day with flowers, her favorite Chinese food takeout (I'm a good husband, bad cook) and some gifts from the kids. After I read your article, I thought what the hell, and I booked her a room at the Hilton for the Saturday night before.

When I told her she'd have the evening to herself, she lit up like she won the lottery. Maybe my feelings should be hurt that she's so happy to get away from us, but she can't wait for her solo hotel night!

Amber:

I love to hear it. I hope she had an amazing weekend!

Dane Has A Smart Mom

When my wife and I had our first, my mother told me: the children will always be #1 to my wife. My wife should always be #1 to me. I've held onto that advice for 32 years and it's served me well. Keep doing good work.

Amber:

I couldn't have Womansplained this better myself, Dane. No notes.

Britt Has a Question For Y'all

I love your Womansplaining columns, it's a must-read each week. Thanks for what you do, and for interacting with all of us, and GO OUTKICK!

Lastly, here is a question for your male audience that might draw some interesting reactions: "What female artist or band (singer[s]) did you get hooked on it because your daughters loved them?"  I still love Band Perry and Avril, and listen to both while I’m working pretty regularly. As a follow-on, "What concerts have you been to for your daughters… that you’d just as soon not gone to?" I saw Britney at the height of her powers. Not terrible, not Tim McGraw.

Amber:

That's a good one, Britt!

I'll let the guys answer this, but I know both my dad and my big brother were pretty good sports when it came to toting me around to teeny-bopper concerts back in the early 2000s. I'm not sure Dad ever turned on Backstreet Boys for his morning commute when I wasn't in the car, but he tolerated it and never complained.

Girl dads rock.

Just For Funsies

No opinion, this just made me laugh.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.