What Not To Give Sports Fans This Holiday Season

Christmas is a time for joy.
 
But sadly, I can’t trust you people not to take my joy away by making the wrong decision when it comes to Christmas gifts.
 
I’ve seen firsthand what an unacceptable gift can do to the holidays. When I was twelve, I bounded down the stairs Christmas morning to find a brand spankin’ new … mattress.
 
That's it. Just a mattress, propped up against the fireplace. They didn’t even have the decency to include a box springs along with it.

(My parents have a sick sense of humor, giving an unsuspecting preteen a large, thick pad filled with resilient material and coiled metal on the most exhilarating, hope-filled morning of the year. Just sick. I hadn’t asked for a mattress, nor had I ever even considered the fact that a mattress could pass as any sort of suitable gift. In fact, what did anyone even need with a mattress at all? At that point in my life, I would’ve gladly slept on the kitchen counter using a dishrag for a blanket if it meant I would’ve been able to get a motorized scooter instead.
 

If you’ve ever had so much as a seven-minute conversation with me before, then you know I don’t tolerate these.
 

If you think these sandals are appropriate, you're wrong. If you are wearing these sandals while reading this, you're wrong again. These are not a reasonable choice in footwear.
 

And please, save your arguments. I get that they might be comfortable. I get that they might be convenient for the active, sporty man, going to and from his sports practices. I get that they might make you feel like Shaquille O’Neal. But what about the way they make me feel?
 

Honestly, the real danger with them is that they will probably be worn with tall socks. The only people who can wear these sandals with tall socks are black people—particularly ones who get paid millions of dollars to dribble a basketball up and down a court—simply because they already love to wear this and, from what I can tell, there is no way of stopping them now.
 

Urban Dictionary defines “Socks and Sandals” (yes, it is apparently a definable term) as: “The gangsta way for wearing sandals.”
 

I define it as: “The impolite, obscene and highly offensive way for you to get away with wearing glorified slippers disguised as footwear."
 

It is resigned apathy in the form of Velcro and a rubber sole.
 

It’s like you just gave up.
 

Foamhead hats (team doesn't matter)

You can’t just make everything into a hat.
 

You just can’t do it.
 

If you publicly wear this beer holster strapped to the right side of your body, then I can confidently assume that there’s a Velcro cellphone holster strapped to your belt-loop on the left side.
And we all know what kind of a person wears a Velcro cellphone holster.
 

The only thing worse than a single beer holster strapped around your upper thigh is a 6-pack beer holster strapped around your waist. Ladies, I know it may be tempting to provide your man with a contraption that allows him to wander around a football tailgate armed with enough beers to guarantee you won’t have to see him for at least a couple hours, thus sparing you from having to witness him drunkenly shove hotdogs into his mouth while he gives you his riveting commentary on game stats from seven years ago.
 

Yes, I can definitely see the appeal there.
 

However, the only other person I’ve ever seen sport a beer fanny-pack is my Uncle Sammy. Uncle Sammy buffs cars at red lights for a living (unsolicited by the driver, mind you), and his hair is enviably longer than mine. He also has fake teeth that he occasionally will drop out to expose his naked gums; he refers to this move as his “conversation-starter.”
 

I recently discovered that these existed. My initial thoughts:
 

Fatheads are terrifying.
 

Why are there such things in the world as fatheads?
 

Why do we have to call them fatheads?
 

And, once more for good measure, fatheads are terrifying.
 

If used correctly, I suppose I could see the appeal: a life-size Tom Brady wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to my bedroom. But a life-size Dennis Rodman can’t be good for anyone to wake up to in the mornings. 
 

Also, is it acceptable for grown men who are "straight" to have life-size images of other grown men hanging on their walls? I’m just not sure.
 

And while I'm on the subject, let me also make it clear to you, men, that you are not to have this sort of fathead on your bedroom wall either: