The 10 Dumbest Fan Bases in America: #4 The Alabama Crimson Tide
The Alabama Crimson Tide football dynasty is dead, and with it the Crimson Tide fan base's stupidity ranking has crumbled as well. Plummeting from the dumbest fan base in America, the Crimson Tide's now barely hanging inside the top five, a pale reflection of its past stupidity. Is it a coincidence that Bama fans managed to poison and kill the trees of their top rival, tea bag opposing fan bases in a New Orleans Krystal, defecate outside the Super Dome in a pot before the Ohio State loss, all while the dynasty was ascendant.
Maybe.
But I tend to think that Bama fan stupidity crested in the immediate aftermath of the title game win over LSU in 2011. Dumb Tide fans crawled out from underneath their double wides -- where they'd been looking for beer cans to recycle -- and roared as one, "Your gay. Bamas number won." Roll Tide, roll.
See, the 85% -- the vast majority of Bama fans who aren't actually capable of admission to Alabama -- are a terribly insecure lot. They need the self-esteem that comes from a college football team winning because otherwise their self esteem is founded on that time Junior got paroled way before anybody thought he would. Or the fact that their third daughter didn't have her first baby until she was 14.
Bama fans didn't even really react after the 2012 title win over Notre Dame. That was expected, the stupidity didn't really soar then. That might have equaled the 2011 crest -- although I doubt it because the LSU win was so tremendous -- but looking back on it the kick six, while ending the Bama dynasty, probably also ended the Tide's strangle hold on the dumbest fan base list. While the kick six probably sent more Tide fans to the insane asylum than high school algebra, it also destroyed Bama's confidence in Nick Saban. Before that there was the belief that Saban could do no wrong, after it the 85% had a terrifying thought -- Saban ain't God.
See, the Tide's just 12-4 in its last sixteen games. In the previous four years Bama just lost five games. Included in these most recent four losses were shocking defeats to Oklahoma, Ole Miss, Ohio State, and Auburn. Put plainly in a way that Tide fans can understand it: Bama ain't Bama no more.
But even if Bama ain't Bama no more does the Tide really deserve to fall all the way to number four -- not even the bronze medalist! -- on Outkick's dumbest fan base list?
Trust me, I've wrestled with this question a great deal. It's tormented me. Dumb Bama fans have made me rich. Can I really cast them aside like this? Am I being fair to their stupidity to suggest that there are three fan bases dumber than they are? I keep staring at my list of the four dumbest fan bases in America like a five star recruit who can't quite make up his mind which school to pick on signing day. There are so many good options here, I keep rearranging everyone, looking for the magic elixir that springs the Tide back into the top spot, where they belong. But I slept on it again last night. And my first thought when I woke up this morning? I'm glad I never signed up for Ashley Madison. My second? Bama's fourth.
What I just keep coming back to was this -- other than the University of Alabama apologizing over this sorority recruitment video -- the 15% pissing off the 85%, and everyone else in the world who doesn't wake up crying about America every morning -- what has Alabama really done to distinguish itself for its stupidity over the past couple of years? Sure, they have the running of the Gumps, but that's a yearly occasion. And sure, Kristen Saban had a fabulous redneck wedding that featured her dancing with Big Al and driving a Rolls-Royce through fireworks inside Bryant-Denny Stadium, but Kristen Saban already Gumped so hard she got sued for getting into a sorority catfight over a football player. Short of stealing the crystal trophy from Ohio State and replacing it in the trophy case with a can of houndstooth dip, is there really anything that a Bama fan could do that would surprise you at this point? I honestly can't think of anything Bama fans could do that would surprise me. And they haven't really done anything to distinguish themselves for being stupid over the past two years since we crowned them the dumbest fan base in America.
This means we're left with a really difficult question: Have Bama fans set the stupidity bar so high -- meaning so low -- that it's impossible for them to match their previous stupidity? Are Bama fans the Usain Bolt of fan stupidity, setting an all time world record several years ago and forever unable to match their heights of stupidity once more?
I gotta admit, this thought troubles me.
But I'm afraid it's true.
Bama's football dynasty has receded so quickly that they can't even count on winning Outkick's dumbest fan base title any longer.
(Note: in 2035 Alabama will totally claim this fourth place finish as a title. Just wait.)
Outkick's ten dumbest fan bases countdown:
9. Clay Travis/Outkick the Coverage fans