Predicting the Most Predictable NFL Talking Points This Season

One can predict the talking points of the NFL season before the season even begins. The sports media truly is that predictable. 

From Shedeur Sanders truthers to the endless Jerry Jones hit pieces, you can picture the headlines and chyrons now:

"The Browns are sabotaging Shedeur Sanders"

If the Browns are losing while Shedeur Sanders sits, voices like Josina Anderson will claim the team is hiding him to avoid admitting that starting Joe Flacco was a mistake.

If the Browns are winning while Sanders sits, Skip Bayless and others will argue the coaches are terrified Sanders would get the credit if he played.

If the Browns are losing while Sanders starts, Jordan Schultz and company will say Cleveland is setting him up to fail.

Bottom line: no matter what happens, the Shedeur fanboys and fangirls in the media will insist the Browns are sabotaging him — unless he’s starting and winning, which feels unlikely after his last preseason outing.

"Jerry Jones must step down as GM"

The media really doesn't like Jerry Jones. Add in the press corps doubling as hype men for Micah Parsons’ agent, David Mulugheta, and you’ve got a season-long barrage of Jones slander on tap.

Even if the Cowboys overachieve, Mulugheta’s media lackeys will scream Dallas would be even better without Jones. And since the Cowboys probably won’t be very good, expect "Jerry Must Go" headlines by Week 1.

Friday morning, after the Eagles roll the Cowboys, feels about right.

A Washington Commanders exec has been fired after making scathing remarks about Jerry Jones and the NFL. (Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports)

"Lamar Jackson is the MVP"

The media’s infatuation with Lamar Jackson takes no weeks off during the football season. Whether he throws for 120 yards, wins thanks to his defense, or just overthrows a wide-open receiver by a foot, the chorus will relentlessly argue that he deserves MVP.

And if you disagree? Racist!

"Is Travis Kelce having #RelationshipProblems?"

Even a fairy-tale engagement can’t stop the speculation. Every Kelce drop will have X (and Tony Romo) wondering if he is having trouble at home.

Kirby Lee-Imagn Images

To be fair, he didn’t start dropping passes until he met Taylor.

"I'll take Lamar Jackson over Josh Allen"

In case you hadn’t noticed, the sports media likes Lamar Jackson better than Josh Allen.

During the 2023 postseason, Mahomes and the Chiefs beat Josh Allen in Buffalo and Lamar Jackson in Baltimore. Allen played far better than Jackson in the exact same spot, but voices like Ryan Clark, Bomani Jones, Domonique Foxworth, and Robert Griffin III tried to bury Allen while ignoring Jackson’s poor play.

I know, I know: Josh Allen tweeted bad words when he was 13, and a scout once told Lamar to play wide receiver.

"Did you see that Sheduer Sanders' highlight package before the Lions game?" – Monica McNutt.

"Can LaNorris Sellers overcome racism and be the first QB drafted?"

No matter how many black quarterbacks go first overall – it's happened in each of the past three drafts – there's always some race-idolatrous commentator pretending otherwise.

He is going to make Sellers so unlikable, isn't he?

"Stop being mean to me online." – Mina Kimes

It’s football season, which means NFL analyst Mina Kimes will provide weekly film breakdowns and hot takes. It also means she’ll spend the next few months complaining that people are mean to her online:

Obviously, she’s the first media member in history to be insulted on the internet.

"Aaron Rodgers’ career is over"

Maybe it is, but the coronabros have been saying that ever since Rodgers skipped the vaccine.

"[Insert team with an injured QB] should sign Colin Kaepernick"

Yes, the sports media is this predictable and pathetic.