OKTC Recap Week 8: Torture Times Two

By Cippy Wallace

Sup brown bears, for the hometown dates and fantasy nights, ABC decided we all haven’t been tortured enough and felt it was necessary to give us FOUR HOURS over TWO DAYS of “It’s AMAZING, it’s GREAT, I’m opening up my heart, WATER and Ess-Ohhkay.”

(We also got to spend some quality time talking with Jason Fox and his partner in crime Finch Machine working on JF’s Bachelor campaign. Ladies, to give you an idea of how great they are think of them as a hybrid of Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, George Clooney and Brad Pitt, but better. After the finale next week, which we will be watching together in Fort Worth, we are going to introduce you them in all of their glory. Seriously, it’s easily going to make up for this terrible season.) 

On to the recap..

Night one gave us the most boring Hometown Hoedown episode in Bachelor history and confirmed everything we were already assuming. Juan Pablo’s shining moment was the walk from the house to the SUV to leave each hometown where he could avoid talking and make out with them instead. Sadly, no water make outs this episode…shocking, I know.

Night two was the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITES night in St.Lucia, or shacking as the rest of the world calls it. JP lets us know that there are a lot of coasts on the ISLAND of St. Lucia, so let’s add an understanding of geography to the list of things he brings to the table. Just thinking about the amount of germs contracted and shared during three back to back to back nights of not talking all night is enough to make you want to go take a shower. Sick. Eskimo Sistas! Nikki is still clearly going to win, Clare is as easy as a jersey chaser at the NFL combine, and Andi finally said everything we wanted someone to tell JP but didn’t know when to stop and now I believe she is a CrAzY gIrL.

**This is where you should all start playing the game Jason Fox introduced me to. When JuanyPabs starts talking to one of the girls, start counting down from 10 until he makes out with them. JuanyP has yet to make it to zero…told ya JF was a gem**

Let’s dive into each girl's swim in the Bachelor pool of love…because WATER.

Nikki: Oh Nikki. She’s from Kansas City and decided to put away the boob tape in the hopes of conveying some Midwestern values. Nice try Trina. Apparently since she is from the Midwest she likes Cowboys, which clearly JuanyPabs the Venezuelan baby daddy is. They go to a GAS STATION BBQ restaurant where JP has to ask what BBQ is. After telling us 52 times that gas station BBQ is the most AMAZING thing he has ever put in his mouth besides a woman’s tongue, they ride a mechanical bull. Nikki’s reasoning for this was that he made her dance in Korea so she's now going to get on a mechanical bull and seductively be whipped around. Midwestern values y'all! They look ridiculous and then decide to ride it together, which turns out exactly how you would expect.







After this they eat again at Nikki’s parents' house where her brothers and sister-in-law avoid the cameras at all cost and say a total of zero words. Nikki lets us know that she wants to tell JP that she “loves him” but doesn’t know when the right time is or why she hasn’t yet. Going out on a limb here, but perhaps it’s because YOU DON’T ACTUALLY LOVE HIM? Nikki’s family plays the part well of trying to act like they support their daughter, but you know as soon as the cameras were gone they were like, you cannot be serious about this clown. JP has a lovely awkward moment when he tells Nikki’s dad that everything with her is “easy” and she is just “easy”…

Accordingly, Nikki later accepts the key to the FAHNTAHSEE SUITE. I’m 100% positive they spent the night staying up talking and that’s it (the need for a sarcasm font has never been greater). Somebody get on that.

At the rose ceremony when J-Pabs tells Clare that Andi went home, we see Nikki show the most emotion she’s shown all season since she and Andi are “basically the same person.” She also demands to know why Andi went home, which... who cares? Nikki is now without a doubt going to win in one week. Nailed it.

Andi: Oh Andi. You took JuanyPabs to our hometown and didn’t take him to such fine establishments as Johnny’s Hideaway or The Pink Pony? Shame on you. They start out at the shooting range where we realize JP is not going to be hired as a sniper anytime soon, or ever. His skills were pathetic. They pretend to frolic around Piedmont Park and it's awkward. Then they go back to Andi’s parents' house for dinner. The real star of this episode? Andi’s dad who is the most logical parent this show has seen since the Lowe family. His name is Hy; I’m assuming JP calls him HOLA! Andi notes the look of disapproval on her family members' faces since apparently she thought they would be over the moon that their extremely smart assistant DA daughter has brought home this goon and thinks she’s “in love." JP asks Andi’s dad if he would accept him into their family if he proposed… HOLA-Daddy says something along the lines of “we’ll reevaluate that when you aren’t dating three other women.” For the win. 

Andi and JP's OVERNIGHH DATE starts out with Andi saying, “I feel like we are in a really good place, even though I could sense the level of concern from my family when we were in my hometown.” Remember, this brainiac prosecutes MURDERERS. Naturally, they head to a waterfall and make out…again. Hola-Daddy is Juan-Probably not very happy right now. During this Andi is tweeting the word “thing” as “thang” and I’m now positive she’s the kind of girl who feels it’s necessary to put her middle name on facebook. They then play soccer on the beach with some local children who Andi is clearly way more enamored with than JuanyP. They go to dinner and she accepts the key to the FAHNTAHSSEE SUITE, because duh… and that’s the last happy moment these two love birds have. Savor it. Andi wakes up and shares with us that she laid there all night waiting for it to be over, since it never crossed her mind that she could get up and WALK OUT. Apparently she saw a side of J-Pabs she didn’t like at all. Ohh tell us more, please I’m begging you.



Written by
Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021. One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines. Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide. Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports. Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.