Kanye West Gets Killed By a Stripper on Twitter

Yesterday Kanye West went on an incredible Twitter rant against Wiz Khalifa. Then he deleted everything when Khalifa's ex-wife, Amber Rose, returned fire and "ethered him" in the words of the Internet. I prefer killed. Or I'd suggest we start calling it Jake the Snake'd because Kanye definitely got put to sleep. 

Anyway, I'm a day late in writing about this because I was traveling yesterday, but I wanted to dive in with several thoughts.  

1. My absolute first thought when I saw this Tweet was about the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode when Larry David said he didn't want to have any sexual fetishes because when his wife divorced him she'd tell everyone. 

This is exactly what LD was afraid of, getting exposed on a public stage for freaky sexual proclivities. 

I feel the same way. When my wife leaves me if she does a sexual tell all one day, it's going to be pretty basic: "Yeah, my husband begged me for sex all the time and I usually said no."

But what if this becomes common? You know celebrities have so much sex that they get bored with regular sex and eventually end up trying some freaky ass shit. Who's the biggest celebrity freak?

I'm praying that celebrity sex insults becomes the next big thing. 

2. How can you not buy Twitter stock with Twitter battles going on like this?

Sure, I've lost thousands and thousands of dollars so far on Twitter stock, but are you telling me Twitter's dying with days like yesterday?

No way. 

Twitter is thriving. 

I actually checked the stock market to see if Twitter was up yesterday. I would love to have seen Joe Kernen on CNBC like, "Twitter stock is up 5% today after Amber Rose called Kanye West a #fingersinthebootyassbitch."

Tell me you weren't hitting refresh every few minutes to see what was coming next? This is the most money made off ass play since the bathhouses of ancient Rome were thriving.

We were prepping for a show at Fox and I got asked a question about Peyton Manning and I didn't even hear my name get called because I was too busy reading Amber Rose's Tweets.  

And it's not just Kanye getting Jake the Snake'd. You've got Donald Trump waging an entire political campaign via Twitter and rap stars arguing with physicists that the world is actually flat.

I feel like Maximus in Gladiator, "Are you not entertained?"

This is all going to end with America electing an emoticon President. (Gotta be the wink smiley face. I think he'd be great at foreign policy. It's the modern day speak softly, but carry a big stick.) 

That or a rap star getting murdered because of a disrespectful Tweet. 

If Biggie or Tupac got killed today, we'd know who did it because he'd have Tweeted it out live. "Just murdered that bitch, 2Pac." And then Instagrammed a photo of the dead body. 

3. I've been writing online for 13 years and a stripper named Amber Rose has 3.2 million more Twitter followers than me.

I feel like when she sent out this Twitter hashtag -- #UrGettingBodiedByAStripperNigga -- she was talking trash to me too.

Because it's true. 

Here I am grinding away writing every day online for 13 years in a row trying to turn a dollar into fifteen cents and Amber Rose appears in a Kanye West video in 2009 and she's just crushing me in this Twitter game.

And it's not just me, she has more Twitter followers than anyone in sports media by over a million people.

She may even own Outkick. They just haven't told me yet. 

4. How common is ass play for straight men?

Kanye got crushed for ass play by Amber Rose, but is it wrong to get a finger in the ass while you're getting a blow job? (Asking for a friend, clearly, I'm married.) Is it really that weird of a fetish?

And since everything that happens in a rapper's life becomes a part of the next rap is there any doubt that Kanye's next song is going to be titled "Fingers in the bootyassbitch," and this song will go quadruple platinum? People are going to be dancing in clubs to a song called "Fingers in the bootyassbitch." 

Hell, if Kanye can make skinny jeans popular -- which is a crime against humanity for men -- then he can certainly turn this into a song.

The real loser here is all the women who are going to have to start putting their finger's in nasty ass dude's buttholes because this fetish is going to sweep the nation now. 

Suggestion for the next time a woman wants to Jake the Snake someone on Twitter, just accuse the famous guy of a having a little baby dick. Even if it's not true, the only way a guy can recover from this insult is by releasing a sex tape.  

5. How about Kanye going after Whiz Khalifa for marrying a stripper when HIS WIFE IS FAMOUS FROM A SEX TAPE.

Wouldn't that occur to you before you sent your insult Tweet? I mean, Kanye didn't marry the virgin Mary here, Kim Kardashian has been married three times and she's famous because of her sex tape with Brandy's brother. 

This isn't even throwing stones from a glass house, this is like a crocodile calling an alligator ugly. (I just made this saying up and I'm not even sure what it means, but is it racist against crocodiles and alligators to think they all look the exact same but that a crocodile is a little bit worse looking because they have more snaggleteeth? Basically, we need a phrase that's worse than throwing stones from a glass house or the pot calling the kettle black. We need a phrase for when you ridicule someone for something that's much less significantly "bad" than what you yourself already did.)

6. Kanye West thinks he's the greatest artist of all time.

Like, he genuinely believes it. That's a special kind of delusion.

One shared by Donald Trump, who genuinely believes he's the smartest man on the planet.  

What if Donald Trump named Kanye his vice president?

I really think that presidential ticket would get elected.

And it would be great for my Twitter stock.

So I'm rooting for it to happen because that ticket wins by a landslide.

At least until Hillary Clinton announces her running mate is that smiley face winking emoticon.