Game of Thrones Season Five Episode 9

A "Game of Thrones" season that began slowly is finishing on a blistering pace.

Most of us had barely caught our breaths over last week's final episode when the white walkers suddenly emerged and then, lo and behond, Daenerys climbs on her missing dragon and flies off into the sunset. 

I'm now more convinced than ever that the final scene of "Game of Thrones" is going to be Daenerys and Jon Snow screwing each other as the dragon flies into the sunset.

Let's roll: 

1. Ramsey raids Stannis's camps, burning down several tents, killing hundreds, and forcing Stannis to consider that his chances of taking Winterfell are slim. 

This means Melisandre's request that he burn his only daughter at the stake is in play.

Because what god wouldn't want a little girl burned at the stake?

In an omen that this scene may be coming, Stannis sends Davos, the little girl's protector, to Castle Black. Before he leaves Davos gives the little girl a horse he's made for her, as thanks for teaching him to read.

Davos has become one of my favorite characters on the show. This means he's likely to die a gruesome death soon.  

2. Jon Snow returns with the surviving wildlings and the gate is raised, allowing the Wildlings to move beneath the wall without a fight for the first time in thousands of years. 

Let's talk about Jon Snow for a moment here. If you don't want a spoiler from the books then skip over number three and continue reading to number four. Remember, I haven't read the books, but some storylines of the books have become prominent enough for us to talk about them here.  

3. SPOILER:

In Book Five Jon Snow is stabbed in a mutiny at Castle Black and "dies." (Remember that death can be a transitory thing in the books.) But will this same result play out in the final episode of the season? Or will the television show, which has now moved away from the book in substantial plot points and is chronologically further along than the books in other narrative arcs, reject that murder storyline?

Given that Snow just had this stare down moment with the White Walkers, it doesn't seem to make much sense -- other than shock value -- to have him killed in a mutiny at Castle Black. 

My wife suggests -- and this isn't a bad prediction -- that the young kid who killed Ygritte at the end of season four -- and has been featured quite a bit in this season's show as well -- could stab Snow over the Wildlings, who killed his family and his village, being allowed beneath the wall.

That's not a bad theory.

In that event, I can see the season ending with Snow stabbed, falling to the ground and staring up at the heavens, leaving us on pins and needles for an entire year about whether or not he's going to survive to season six.

Regardless, we've reached a point where reading the books isn't that much of a help in predicting what's going to transpire in the television show. Meaning all of us, readers and non-readers, are watching with great trepidation as the finale nears.

"You know nothing, Jon Snow."

FALSE.

We all know nothing.  

4. Jaime Lannister's daughter, Myrcella, is sent back to King's Landing with Prince Trystane and Bronn is spared given one condition, that he gets knocked down by the huge guard. 

So Jaime and Bronn snuck into Dorne when they could have just traveled to the kingdom and asked for his daughter/niece back.

How is Bronn not everyone's favorite character? I love this guy. 

Interestingly, we see nothing of Cersei or Margaery who remain in the dungeons of King's Landing. (One theory from our post-game Periscope last night; The Mountain, who we haven't seen since last season, suddenly shows up and busts her out of prison. That, I would love to see.)

But wouldn't Jaime be put in the dungeons as soon as he returned to King's Landing as well? After all, he's guilty of many of Cersei's crimes as well. Has no one sent him a crow to advise him of the situation there?

STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY, TOMMEN.   

5. Arya is still investigating insurance fraud when she comes upon the man who killed her sword instructor way back in season one. 

Honestly, this is one story line that I just don't care about. If Arya hadn't been included this season at all, would we have missed anything? It's just taking way too long and not giving us much in the way of a story arc. I almost feel like we could have skipped all of Arya's additional training and just had her show up as a master of the two-faced arts, like when Luke shows up in episode three to rescue Han Solo and he's just a total badass Jedi all of a sudden. We don't need to see the training.

By the way, I'm now hoping to become the first man to ever write about "Game of Thrones" and "Return of the Jedi" in the same sentence and have sex in the same week. 

Fingers crossed. 

6. Creepiest prostitution scene ever. 

"Too old, too old, too old."

Meanwhile every normal dude watching this prostitution scene was thinking, "I'd take her, definite yes, are you kidding me, hell, yes!"

We know where this is headed, right? Arya pretends to be a prostitute and stabs this dude in the throat with her sword, needle, which she hid in the bricks, when he tries to sleep with her.

Another one on Arya's death list bites the dust.  

7. Stannis burns his daughter to death at the stake.

This is the worst scene in "Game of Thrones" history, which is saying something.  

But unlike other difficult scenes, such as Sansa's rape, this is at least a plot point that drives home Stannis's devolution as a human being, from loving father to beast. We learn something from this choice.

For three seasons Stannis has been vacillating between his good and human side -- represented by Davos -- and his power-hungry evil side -- represented by Melisandre and her great boobs. The decision of what to do with his daughter represented his ultimate choice. The moment he sent Davos away, you knew his decision was made.  

But the poor girl walking down the snowy aisle holding her toy horse, everyone standing around and watching, is probably the toughest scene to watch in show history. Certainly if you're a parent, it's almost impossible to watch. We see Stannis and his wife, the poor girl's mother, standing and watching as well. Melisandre and her perfect boobs just lighting the fire pit and every single person thinking, "Okay, you proved your point, the Lord of Lights isn't worth this. Dude, you're just getting Winterfell and it's a total shit hole. Save your daughter."

I honestly hope Davos comes back from Castle Black, walks straight into Stannis's tent and stabs him to death. 

But instead Davos, Jon Snow, and Samwell Tarly are probably going to get locked in a dungeon. Then someone is going to beat them to death with Gilly's baby. 

8. The fighting pits reopen and Daario, the man Daenerys likes to sleep with, is arguing with her husband, the man she's obligated to sleep with, about who will win the fights. 

Daario argues the small, quick man will win. 

The small, quick man is then decapitated.

THIS SEEMS LIKE A METAPHOR. 

9. Then comes the main event fight and Jorah returns, still unable to quit his queen. 

Just after Jorah kills the last combatant in the mass fight, he flings his spear and kills a Son of the Harpy, who was about to kill Daenerys.  

Uh oh, it's a trap!

Sons of the Harpy are suddenly everywhere in their gold masks. 

Daenerys takes Jorah's hand -- in a moment that's both heartwarming and terrifying. After his long isolation, Daenerys is showing that she trusts Jorah once more, but we also immediately fear that she has been exposed to his greyscale disease. 

Assuming anyone survives, is an epidemic coming to Meereen?

10. We get a bad ass fighting scene in the fighting pits.

Down goes the husband -- good riddance -- and Daario and Jorah attempt to save the queen, whose once large army of soldiers has evidently gotten the day off at the fighting pits.

Seriously, who is in charge of protecting her, the Secret Service?

(One question, why were none of the Sons of the Harpy throwing spears at the queen? While she had men in front of her, was it really impossible to kill her from afar?) 

There is no avenue of escape and just as it appears that the Sons of the Harpy have surrounded her and death is coming...

11. The dragon's back, bitches.

He's been absent for an entire season, but Daenerys closes her eyes -- appearing to summon him in some way -- and he lands in the stadium and starks wrecking people.

Then, in an incredible ending, Daenerys climbs aboard her dragon and flies away.

Which is great for her, but what about Tyrion, Daario, Jorah, and her hot advisor?

They're still in the center of the ring surrounded by surviving sons of the harpy.

Good luck, boys.  

In a larger context, how fantastic have the story arcs been for both the white walkers and the dragon in these past two episodes? We got the payoff we've been waiting years for in both instances. We've wanted to know what's to come of the white walkers since episode one of season one and we've wanted to see the dragons at the full might of their power as well.

We got both in back-to-back episodes of season five.

And I honestly can't remember a final episode of a season when more is at stake and less is known.

Anything could happen. 

I. Can't. Wait.