All That and a Bag of Mail: Mad Genius Edition

Okay, it's time for the mailbag. 

And I've got a doozy of a theory for you. Now that the Clippers have snagged a purchase price of $2 billion -- meaning that the Lakers are worth infinity dollars -- what if Donald Sterling allowed the ownership papers to be signed and then released the following statement?

"In an effort to create unprecedented bidding interest in the Clippers my girlfriend and I concocted a plan to convince America I was racist. We secretly recorded a tape and then I instructed her to anonymously leak it to TMZ. We knew that in doing so I would be hated by many in America, but I figured, "So what, I'm 81 years old. All I care about is getting as much money as possible for my assets before I die." So I pretended to be racist because I knew the NBA would force me to sell the team and that would create a bidding war among some of the richest men and women in America. They'd all be in a frenzy to rid the league of a racist owner, so much so that they'd be willing to drastically overpay for my team. Yep, I played you all for fools. I win.

Sincerely,

Donald Sterling"

 What if Sterling was a mad genius after all this? Hell, what if he wasn't a mad genius at all, but he just released this statement to make us all think he was a mad genius? The Internet would break, right?

There's no way that Sterling gets $2 billion on an expedited basis like this if that tape doesn't go to TMZ. Pitting all the bidders against one another in a one week period while he claimed he wouldn't actually sell the team led billionaires to go crazy with their offers. Essentially he was selling a piece of artwork, not an investment. Plus, he wasn't really sure if he wanted to sell that piece of art so you had to blow him away with the offer to get clean title. So all these billionaires bid far in excess of what the business valuation would ever justify to convince Sterling to let his Clippers painting go.

The release of that tape may well have made him an extra billion dollars.

So what if he pulled this plan off?

This is definitely how the movie would end if M. Night Shyamalan was writing the script, with Sterling smoking a cigar while steaming across the Caribbean in his yacht surrounded by a cavorting crowd of twerking girls in bikinis. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Stephen Haltom, who researched the incidence of "your gay" and "you're gay," Twitter searches on Google. The results confirm our worst suspicions. Go look at this graphic.

On to the mailbag. 

Eric writes:

"In game one of their 2014 Eastern Conference semifinal matchup (at TD Garden), the Habs' (Canadiens) African American speedster defenseman scored two goals in a Montreal win, and a small number of racist tweets were sent out by eight Twitter handles. A Habs fan tweeted out a screen shot of these tweets, and it led to a massive Twitter mob wildfire. The Globe details it very well here.

Now based off these eight racist Twitter users with average follower counts of 219.1, a media dustup ensued in which it was falsely reported that the "n word" was trending in Boston. It obviously wasn't. Bruins legend Cam Neely (member of front office) released an official Bruins statement distancing the team from the "individuals." Also, Boston Mayor Martin J. Walsh released a statement calling the situation a "disgrace." So here are my questions. Are we really at a place where eight dudes tweeting hate from their parents' basements are going to prompt media outrage and official responses from an organization and the mayor of one of the most powerful U.S. cities? I know Boston doesn't have the best historical reputation in terms of race. However, this story is pure Twitter mob absurdity. Is this something we will see more of? Or will it correct itself by folks learning to ignore the idiots?

Looking for hate on Twitter is like looking for hate in YouTube comments. Imagine if mayors and teams starting apologizing for the comments underneath viral YouTube videos. That would be insane, right? The same is true responding here. You can pretty much justify any story angle if all that's required is eight people saying something on Twitter. I mean that, you could write about anything. Especially if it's a popular event. Right now there are probably eight people on Twitter who are looking for cannibal sex. Does that make it a trend?

My point is that people look to be offended and then, amazing, it's the Internet so you can get offended if you'd like. Twitter mobs love to be offended and then outraged -- generally by words over actions, as I've written before -- because it makes them feel morally superior. The more outraged and offended you get, by the way, the lower your own self-esteem is.  

Read that story above though if you want to see how easy it is for eight anonymous people to hijack the story of a sporting event. Then think about how funny it would be if the media used YouTube comments to drive their coverage decisions. It's laughable, right? Yet that's exactly what the media is doing.

I think about this every time I read a story in a mainstream news outlet and it quotes random Twitter users reacting to something online. What? I don't read your article so I can find out what tiderinsider48 thinks about something that just happened. I already know, he thinks I'm gay and that I hate Alabama. 

I retweet people for pretty much one reason: you make me laugh. Now, that can be because you've tweeted a really funny joke or picture to me or it can be because you're incredibly stupid and don't realize how incredibly stupid you are. You guys can decide which is which.

But, again, I'd encourage you to read the above article that illustrates how eight anonymous racists in a city with a metro population of eight million were able to dominate news stories and prompt a response from the mayor and the team. (Both are opposed to racism, by the way. Can we stop having to issue statements that are self-evident? For the record, I'm opposed to cancer. Also death. I hate both.) 

As for whether it will correct itself, I have no idea. I'd like to think that Twitter mobs will become less impactful, but my fear is that their popularity will grow as the people who join Twitter become dumber and dumber, kind of like the quality of Facebook conversation has declined to the point where it's impossible to do anything on there.  

Jason R. writes:

"Clay,

I am sure by now you have read the article about the 12 frat brothers from UCONN who wagered $100 a piece on UCONN Basketball winning the National Title and subsequently won $60k. Apply the knowledge of Vegas you have at your age now and tell me how you and a group of your buddies around the age of 22 would spend $60k in Vegas. Spare no details please."

I'm just going to simplify this and tell you how the money would be spent:

Two suites in a hotel: $10k

Alcohol related activities -- including pool parties and club bottle service -- $20k

Gambling: $10k (I'd be tempted to go for a big score here and put $1k on ten consecutive roulette wheel spins going for a specific number so we could repeat the entire weekend again.)

Strippers and/or sex shows: $20k

Rob H. writes:

"I'm a 58 year old guy and just recently noticed a couple of grey hairs down there. This isn't a problem for me, but it occurred to me that ladies of a certain age might not be so accepting of this inevitability. There's nothing on the quarter-mile long vagina aisle at Walgreens to address this problem. I figured that what would work for a beard would work for a bearded clam, so I wrote to Just For Men and asked if their product was OK for pubic hair.

After several days (of no doubt inter-office snickering) , Jessica from Comte (the parent company of Just For Men) wrote me back that the product was NOT approved by the FDA for use on pubic hair.

So Clay, don't you think there's a vast untapped market of ladies with greying beavers dying for a solution to this problem?"

It's hard for me to think of a more humiliating grooming experience than dyeing your pubic hair.

Can anyone top how awful this would feel?

Do people actually do this?

Chip writes:

"To Kill a Mockingbird is my favorite book and I read it again just about every spring.  For those who haven't read it, it takes place in fictional Maycomb, Alabama which is based on the childhood home of its author Harper Lee in Monroeville.

While reading this spring, I came across a sentence mentioning one of the places where you are most popular - Tuscaloosa.  Tuscaloosa was, and still is home to the state mental institution. In the book it is suggested that Boo Radley should be sent there after one of his episodes with his family. 

"Miss Stephanie said old Mr. Radley said no Radley was going to any asylum, when it was suggested that a season in Tuscaloosa might be helpful to Boo. Boo wasn’t crazy, he was high-strung at times."

I would assume that the main reason it would be embarrassing for a family to have their child sent to Tuscaloosa in this situation is that they would be in a mental institution.  However, I think that one of the underlying and under investigated reasons the family didn't want him to go to the asylum is that they were embarrassed to have their kin live in Tuscaloosa period. I'd be embarrassed if my offspring lived in T-Town, whether it be in the nut house or especially if it was voluntarily as a normal member of society.

So Boo is shuttered in his house for years to the bewilderment of the neighborhood kids.  There is much speculation on why he was forced to stay in his house for so long, by first his father and later his brother.  Could Boo really have been kept at home and away from others in society because he was an Alabama fan?  Were Boo's parents/brother Auburn fans and terrified he would go out and ruin the family name by parading around as a member of the 85 percent?  

The book took place during the 1930's which was in the middle of a 41 year Iron Bowl series hiatus caused for numerous reasons including disagreements on, 'expenses to be paid players.'  (Yes, Alabama and Auburn paid players in the first decade of the 20th century.)  Despite this break in play, I would still think that the two institutions for "higher" learning hated each other during this time period.

What's your take? Was Boo Radley an Alabama fan?"

This is why I'm convinced that Outkick has the best readers in the country. 

Who else in America gets an email like this about one of the best books of all-time? I never thought about this before, but Boo Radley was definitely an Alabama fan. There's zero doubt. 

Anonymous writes:

"My wife and I hosted a Mad Men party this Sunday. We had plenty of liquor and food to maintain the retro theme inline with the show. At the party one of the eight guests (let's call him Ted) kept wanting to take shots of bourbon. Since I wasn't driving home, I joined him. As you can imagine by the end of the night we were both quite drunk.

After talking about the episode (quite good IMO) and playing some games we all decided to call it a night. During cleanup, I was surprised when my wife found vomit in our guest bathroom. Whoever did it vomitted IN THE SINK! Which makes zero sense as a perfectly good toilet was there too. The sink was clogged and vomit was also on the floor. Pretty disgusting scene.

We found the mess after the guests had all left and now 24 hrs later no one has called to apologize for the deed. Everything is cleaned up and better now, but you can imagine my displeasure with the incident and lack of responsibility.

So I don't know for an absolute fact that he was the perpetrator. However one of my sober friends and my wife are both confident Ted is responsible. There's a ton of circumstantial evidence and I trust their judgement.

I don't know Ted well, but my wife is becoming pretty good friends with his wife. Also Ted works at the same place as my wife so there's some professional reasons not to publicly embarrass him (same level within the company).

Ted and his wife are joining a group of us for my 30th birthday in Vegas next weekend.

How should I handle this? Mention it indirectly to give Ted a chance to recant? Call Ted out next time we're drinking? Make Ted pay for a few rounds in Vegas? Keep it silent in the off-chance it will provide future professional benefit for my wife down the road...?

Also Ted's wife doesn't know what he did (to the best we can tell). I'm anticipating she will go off on him if she finds out.

I think you bring it up after a few drinks in Vegas, but in a non-confrontational way. Assuming that multiple people from the Mad Men party are also headed to Vegas, you can even tell the story to the entire group, announce that you're all in a trust tree now and say -- "Okay, who puked?" If no one admits to it then you can go around the table and have everyone at the party name who they think is the most likely culprit. If he has any decency, he'll admit to it and buy you several drinks to make up for the mess. 

If he is steadfast in his denials, maybe it really was someone else. (Or a second puker! Perhaps from the grassy knoll). Who knows, he may have been so drunk that he thought he did a good job covering up the puke in the sink. I mean, he was clearly really drunk if he made the decision to puke in the sink in the first place, right? If he'd gone in the toilet no one would have even known about his puking.

So that's how I'd bring it up, in a group setting like a large game of puking in the sink Clue. 

It was Ted in the sink with the bourbon!

Paul Z. writes:

"Clay,

I was in Florida over the past couple of weeks enjoying some beach time.  As we sat under my umbrella, my buddy and I were trying to guess girl's ages that walked through Destin/Sandestin, and we realized very quickly that we were clueless as to the ages of these girls.  Girls we swore were 23 were 18.  Women that we thought were 25 were 30.  At one point there was a group of 8 girls lying on towels next to us that were ridiculously scantily clad, but then their parents came over serving virgin daquiris and shirley temples.  WTF!? 

We decided to go Hardy Boys and look for clues.  Wedding rings mean you're typically over 22 (unless you have an AU, UA, or Ole Miss towel, which is a wildcard).  College towels theoretically mean over 18.  Short hair typically means 30+.  Super long hair typically means 18-.  

Other than just straight up asking (which is dangerous since girls lie all the time about their age), what is the best system for figuring this out? Help guys stay out of jail by coming up with a more reliable system.

We thank you,

Guys Everywhere

It's impossible to determine the ages of girls nowadays. I mean, truly impossible. Guys talk about this all the time in private, we're all terrified to discuss it in public. Dads with daughters are the most troubled because they see their daughters and their friends go out and they know that they look much older than they actually are. Go to a high school football game sometime and compare how fully grown the junior and senior girls look compared to the gawky junior and senior boys. It's like two different species these days. 

Plus, girls from 18-40 don't dress that differently anymore. That used to not be the case. They might wear the same bikinis or sundresses or heels. As if that wasn't enough, married women are in so much better shape now than even a decade ago. Between Pilates and Barre and all these other classes married moms have cores you could drop a kettle bell on from ten feet and they don't even flinch. You can see moms of three kids on the beach and they have abs. Abs! I don't even remember girls in high school or college having abs when I was in school. Is that the hot college nanny or a 33 year old mom with three kids out for ice cream?

No idea.  

I would say the three best markers are wedding rings, the presence of alcohol, and kids. But, again, these can fail you. Girls get alcohol underage and they can easily be nannying the kids. Wedding rings are the most safe since no one gets married under 18 today unless they cheer for Alabama, but even wedding rings aren't a giveaway because some single girls wear rings on their ring fingers now. I have no idea why they do this. Probably just to confuse men even more.

One of you poor bastards is going to think you're talking to a divorced mom of three climbing off a boat holding a beer outside AJ's in Destin and instead it's going to be a sixteen year old in charge of three kids with a fake id.

Then her dad, arriving to pick up the crew, is going to put you in a hammerlock and threaten to throw you into a boat propellor. 

Good luck with that.   

Sam writes:

"As I get older, I'm finding myself sitting down more when I pee.  Is this normal?  Do most men do it?  Do you do it?  Is this a sign of the progressive America that we live in today?  Toilet Equality?  Why isn't this the norm?"

I think that's fine so long as you're peeing sitting down at home. If you're peeing sitting down in public places, I think you have real issues. Such as, potentially, your penis is slowly ascending into your abdomen. 

At home, I pee sitting down late at night because I'm afraid that I'll miss the toilet otherwise. Then my wife's going to be like, "You peed all over the seat last night!" and I'll be like, "Wasn't me, must have been one of the boys."

I also sometimes check texts or Twitter and pee sitting down because I'm afraid of dropping my phone into the toilet if I stand while peeing. 

Of course, I also pee outside in my back yard late at night. So I'm not sure I'm the peeing expert you're looking for, but I'm probably the peeing expert you deserve.   

Anonymous writes:

"So my wife is really big into the College Softball World Series. She was watching it last weekend & as I was half paying attention, she decided to tell me that you can tell which players are straight and which are lesbian by which ones wear the big ribbons in their ponytail. If they wear one, they're straight. She was a 4 year Letterman in high school & knows from then. She said its not a 100% accuracy rate, but pretty close. Have you ever heard of this?! My mind was blown."

I love the college softball world series games. I mean, really love them, they're hypnotic. But, yeah, I've been told the same thing about the ribbons. Which means that someone has probably told you this too. I did a Google search to try to find reputable data on the ribbons and it just led me to a bunch of lesbian porn sites. Look, I'm not complaining about that, but what I'm saying is, I have no idea whether it's true and I'm sorry the mailbag is late today. 

I'm sure we have some former college women's softball players reading the mailbag, you guys can email me and let me know if there's any truth to this rumor. Or at least tell us whether the girls on the teams talk about the ribbons in the ponytail theory.