All That and a Bag of Mail

It’s Friday and I want to thank you guys for your support of Outkick The Show, which just posted massive numbers for June. Our Periscope views were up 188% — we have the most watched daily show on all of Periscope –, Facebook continued to kill it, and our podcast listens were up 84%. The result was that nearly 2 million people watched or listened to the Outkick Show in June.  

If you aren’t watching or listening to the show, I’d encourage you guys to check it out.

Thanks for you guys sharing the show and encouraging your friends and family to check out the show as well.

It’s incredibly gratifying.

Okay, on to the mailbag.  

Ryan writes:

“Clay,

My friends and I always talk about how fucked we are for a numerous amount of decisions.. from banging ugly chicks to choosing to work shitty jobs to how much more we should’ve put on Bowling Green last year. This brings us to our next question, how fucked are we if Trump or Hillary are elected president. Think all things through (foreign affairs, economy) pro’s and con’s of each candidate. Are we fucked more if we have Trump as President or are we fucked more if we have Hillary as President?”

I discussed this exact question last night on the Outkick Show. It’s virtually impossible to predict how a president will do because so much of a presidency isn’t determined by the president; it’s about external factors that he or she has no control over. For instance, what would George W. Bush’s presidency have looked like if 9/11 never happens? What about Bill Clinton’s if the Internet doesn’t suddenly emerge as a brand new capitalistic wheelhouse? How about Jimmy Carter if Iran doesn’t take our embassy hostage?

Harry Truman memorably said that being president is like trying to ride a tiger, once you climb on board that tiger’s back you find yourself reacting much more than planning.  

Having said that, let’s try and forecast what you could expect from Hillary or Trump on the classic 1-10 scale, with 1 being the worst possible president and 10 being the best. 

I see Hillary as pretty much guaranteed to be in the 4-6 realm, the most average president possible. She isn’t going to make that many outlandish decisions and I don’t think she’ll take many risks. Her ceiling is probably capped at a six because at least half the country is going to hate her for her entire term in office; there’s virtually nothing that Hillary can do as president to change the minds of the people who hate her. But her floor is also limited because she’s going to have a Republican senate — probably — and, despite what the Republicans who hate her think, she’s fairly moderate in her political views. She’ll govern from the left of center, but not the far left. So her ceiling and her floor are both limited and I see her somewhere between a four and a six.  

Trump is a total wild card, his range is from a 1 on the low end to a 7 on the high end, we truly have no idea what to expect. 

If you want me to make a case for how he becomes a 7, it’s this — he’s not really that partisan, he’s a deal maker. Plus, he’s got the potential to round into shape as a lovable, but slightly daft, uncle that everybody has in their family. His megalomania could become an endearing quality because it’s so damn transparent. Most of the time people get used to your personality quirks if you behave consistently and have a decent sense of humor. Trump seems to do both. Moreover, the people who hate Trump are so convinced that he’s racist and sexist and every other -ist out there that if he comes into office and governs moderately, as I think he’d do, then he could end up winning many of those people over because their expectations are so low. I don’t see Trump being able to move beyond a seven on the upside, however, because I don’t think he’s a skilled enough politician to be an extraordinary, transformative president. 

But that’s the best case scenario, Trump could also be an unmitigated disaster that leads us into war, tanks the economy over global trade battles, kills our global cachet by alienating our allies and moving our foes closer to war, destroys our immigration system, allows terrorism to flourish because he actually says the things about Islam that terrorist propaganda says we say, and he is so out of touch politically that nothing can be accomplished. Trump is your quintessential high risk, high reward presidential candidate. He really could be a one. 

And, again, all of this analysis presumes that no major events outside of the president’s control will occur — which they undoubtedly will — leading us to places that it’s difficult to predict and analyze in advance.

So I think a Hillary presidency is much less likely to fuck us than a Trump presidency, but I also think a Trump presidency offers a higher potential ceiling than a Hillary presidency does.  

By the way, the worst result here is Hillary dies and we end up with Tim Kaine as president. Good Lord, we’d be the most fucked here. The dude is a perfect mix of Mr. Rogers, Richard Simmons and Houston Nutt all thrown into a blender. I’m terrified to think about him as our president. Now that would be a total disaster.  

Andrew writes:

“I am seriously considering a Third Party vote or a write in candidate, but I constantly have debates with friends and family where they argue that a vote for x is a vote for Hillary (if they are Trump supporters) or a vote for Trump (if they are Hillary supporters) or that I might as well not vote at all. I think as Americans we should always take advantage of our constitutional right to vote because that’s the only way for our system to work. I also personally think voting your conscience is more the intent of the system than voting for the lesser of two evils. What are your thoughts on this?”

First, you can’t sit out the election so you have to vote. Second, there are only about eight states, and that’s probably being generous, that are truly in play this election: Ohio, Virginia, Florida, New Hampshire, Iowa, North Carolina, Nevada and Pennsylvania. 

This means that if you live in the other 42 states you should 100% vote your top choice because either Clinton or Trump are winning your state regardless. This is the situation I find myself in, I live in Tennessee and Trump is winning my state regardless of the choice that I make. But I’m very drawn to Gary Johnson’s platform because I believe his beliefs more closely dovetail with my own than either Trump or Clinton and I’d like to see the radical moderate issues that I favor receive more attention than they do. That is, if you read my piece yesterday on how both Republicans and Democrats are trying to terrify us, I’m not a fan of either of those parties or their nominees right now. I haven’t made up my mind on who I’m going to vote for, but I want my vote to matter and I think it only matters if I vote for my actual choice.   

Having said that, I do think if you live in one of those eight states that are toss-ups then it’s fair to consider the larger implications of your choice. Because your decision, in a tight election, has much more significance in one of those eight states than it does in the other 42.

So if you live in the 42 states that are already decided I wouldn’t allow someone to influence you by arguing that you’re throwing your vote away, but if you live in one of the eight toss up states I’d consider that possibility and be more likely to vote for either Trump or Clinton, the candidate that I hated the least, because I have more of an impact in actually picking the winner.

This, by the way, is why the electoral college is so dumb. We should just have a national popular vote.  

Okay on to a threesome story. 

“My wife has always been a little uptight but in the last year or so she has become increasingly more laid back. She now drinks a lot more, cares less about my drinking, also sex has vastly improved. So here is what happened, while vacationing at a resort, we finished dinner/drinks and go around to the hot tub just to sit. Another couple is there, we strike up conversation and hangout awhile. I decided to go back inside to get a round of drinks, when I come back my wife and the other girl are now in the hot tub topless.

The other dude is stripping down to his boxers. Obviously, I am in amazement because my wife is actually in a hot tub topless with another hot chick. So of course I start taking off my dinner attire (the hot tub is in a secluded part of the resort, no lights out there, and no one else around). Long story short, after a while and many drinks/smoke, the other dude and his gf start fighting and he gets out and goes back to his room to pass out. The girl is pissed at him and decides to stay.

If you could only imagine my face at this point and what was going through my mind. “Could this possibly be the chance that every guy looks forward too, possible threesome moment?” Well dreams come true, my wife and this chick start to make out, I not wanting them to feel left out joined in as well. Things are running smoothly and progressing properly but no one could get in a comfortable position so I gently whisper for us to get out and finish this party out on the cabana.

My wife took this opportunity to come to her senses and decided to end the party. Of course I am in complete dismay at this point but what could I do, tell my wife to “go on back and I’ll be up in a minute” so me and thing other chick could finish up?

So we retire to our separate rooms. Then the next morning my wife is pissed, starts crying and says how could I have let that happen, and how she can’t get the image of me, her, and another chick fooling around out of her head. This goes on for the next two days of our vacation (vacations are supposed to be fun). In which my defense is she started this party by making out with her first. Finally, she stopped the bitching/crying and things are now back to normal. So here are my questions: Did my wife actually have reason to be mad at me since she was the one who starting making out with the chick first? Was my wife covering for her actions and was embarrassed, so she took her anger out on me? Did I completely ruin my one chance of having the unicorn threesome that every married man dreams of by suggesting to move out of the tub to the cabana? Will my wife continue to progress her laid back ways and I have multiple orgy sessions waiting on me in the future?”

So many things to analyze here. 

First, your wife can’t blame you for joining in when she got topless and started making out with the other girl first. That’s on her. If she didn’t want you involved, she could have pushed you away and said, “No, this is just me and her, you just sit back and enjoy the show,” and, guess what, you would have totally just sat back and enjoyed the show like a creepy hot tub voyeur. Your wife can’t rescind a threesome the next day, she agreed to it in the moment.

Second, and most importantly, I think you have to keep hooking up in the hot tub instead of trying to move the party back to the cabana. You’ve already got two chicks topless in a hot tub, I’m sorry if you aren’t in a “comfortable position.” DUDE, YOU ARE AT A TROPICAL LOCATION WITH TWO TOPLESS GIRLS MAKING OUT IN A HOT TUB WITH YOU. I’m not sure what could be more comfortable than this.

If the girls suggest moving to a new location that’s fine, but you are obligated to follow their lead as far as they’ll go. They’re the engine, you’re the caboose. Your job is to avoid doing something that makes them stop hooking up. You’ve kind of got a fantasy bubble created here on the vacation in the hot tub, once you move them out of their fantasy bubble then it gives them an opportunity to think about the decisions they’re making, which kills the fantasy and brings it home to reality. So, I hate to say it, but you blew it here by trying to go back to the cabana, you got too greedy by trying to make the threesome too real and planned as opposed to a spontaneous fun event.

As for whether it will happen again, if your wife got topless in a public hot tub and made out with another girl, I don’t think it was a one time thing. That’s a pretty big step. So, yes, I think you’ll have another threesome opportunity at some point in the future. Don’t blow it next time. 

Finally, speaking of blowing it, what in the world happened to cause the other girl’s boyfriend to bail on this situation? He’s got his girlfriend topless with another chick in a hot tub in a tropical location and he decides to get in a fight at this point in time? What in the world could he have been mad about? Of all the times to get in a fight with your girlfriend you decide to do it while she’s topless with another girl on a tropical vacation in a hot tub? What’s more, then he leaves his girlfriend to have a potential threesome with another couple? While I don’t think you played this situation well, you were like Ray Charles on the piano compared to this dude. 

P. writes:

“This past weekend I was at the lake with my boyfriend and his parents. We were out running errands before going out on the lake, so I was wearing a swim suit with a baggy cover-up over top of it. While we were out, a man trying to make small talk asked me in front of my boyfriend and his parents “when are you due?” I stood there speechless (wondering if I heard him correctly) as I am not pregnant or aware of any gut that would make me took pregnant. I asked him “What?” and he continued on by asking how far along I was. There was a lot of awkward laughing while I stood there shocked. I had no idea how to reply I just looked at the man and said “nope.”

My boyfriend kept bring it up for the rest of the weekend telling me to not worry about it because I don’t look pregnant and it was just the baggy cover-up (I work out 5 days a week and eat healthy, I know I don’t look pregnant). Obviously being a girl, no matter how small you are, I can’t help but let it bother me a little. My boyfriend doesn’t get why it bothered me so much.

A few questions for you-
What kind of guy asks that to a girl who isn’t 100% pregnant?
How do you think that situation should have been handled?
What is the male equivalent of being asked if you are pregnant?”

There’s no situation where I would ever ask a girl if she’s pregnant unless it’s so far along that it’s blatantly obvious. That’s like month eight or nine pregnant and she’s at the beach or the swimming pool. Otherwise there’s no payoff. 

Speaking of which, more devasting mean girl move than setting up someone to ask your most hated female rival at the lake whether she’s pregnant or not? I can’t even think of one. 

As for what kind of guy asks this? An old Southern guy is my bet, someone over the age of 55 or 60 who isn’t that great at social cues and is just trying to be nice. Since people who are pregnant are generally happy about it, he probably thought he was initiating a nice conversation with you, not an incredibly awkward situation.  

The other people who do this are young kids, because they have no filters. This happened at least twice with my kids, who had seen their own mom pregnant and other moms pregnant, and were always looking out for pregnancies and new babies. When each of my boys were like three years old both of them did it with babysitters. And both times I was like, “Please be pregnant, please be pregnant,” and neither woman was and I can’t even imagine how crushed they were to basically get called fat asses by a three year old.

As for how you should handle it, I always counsel humor in these situations even if you’re so mad you want to strangle the guy who asked you when you’re due. So say: “Hopefully not for another five years.” Or “I don’t know, you ask him — (gesturing to your boyfriend) — when he’s going to marry me. I’m not having a baby until I get married.” You can also just embrace the fat aspect of things and say, “Nah, I just really like beer.”

These answers all ease the awkwardness with humor, which is the best possible response. 

If you want to go really dark and end the conversation immediately you can just respond, “No, I’m having an abortion instead.”

The best comparison I can think of for men being asked if they’re pregnant is if someone assumes your wife is actually your daughter because she’s so much younger than you are. Say you’re out to dinner and the waiter says, “And what will your daughter be having?” only she’s actually your wife. (The flip side here is also true, if someone assumes your daughter is actually your wife when they see you out to dinner. But that’s probably worse for the daughter than the dad.)

…

Hope y’all have great weekends. 

Don’t ask anyone if they’re pregnant.