Advocates Are Calling For Shark Attacks To Be Referred To As Shark ‘Incidents’

People that have the kind of relationship with sharks that you should probably call the police about, are advocating for “shark attacks” to be rebranded as “shark incidents”. Yes, we’ve reached the point of shark attacks being cancelled. Nobody wants to hurt Jaws’ feelings.

The Sydney Morning Herald reports that attendees at a recent shark symposium (I’m sure there’s no weirdos there) prefer “bites” to “attacks” when referring to violent run-ins with the stars of Sharknado.

Dr. Christopher Pepin-Neff said the change in terms “has been coming for a while”. Pointing to studies that show roughly a third of people involved in shark “incidents” are not injured, Dr. Pepin-Neff commented that: “ ‘shark attack’ is a lie.” Strangely, he didn’t mention the two-thirds of those who lose a life or limb when baby shark decides to take a bite, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

In an odd twist, Dr. Nathan Hart defended the decision of sharks to chow down on humans: “Sharks don’t have hands so, if they want to explore something, they mouth it.”

And just like that, single men everywhere are seeking to date sharks.

Another proponent of shark attack rebranding is shark researcher Leonardo Guida. She’s under the crazy assumption that some of us normal folk actually think of sharks as man-eating monsters, saying: “(Removing “attack”) helps dispel inherent assumptions that sharks are ravenous, mindless man-eating monsters.”

Dr. Guida continued: “(Being referred to as an ‘incident’) helps improve the public’s understanding of sharks and how they behave.”

My only takeaway here is that these doctors seem to be spending an awful lot of time with the wrong species. They should instead focus their research on mammals, because it’s obvious they’re bat sh-t crazy.