A Hater’s Guide to Pokemon Go

I hate Pokemon. Want to know what I hate more than those stupid little trading cards? Pokemon Go. I was perfectly fine watching the little nerds hover in pods freaking out about some unpronounceable cartoons on their little iPhone screens. It was entertaining, but NO MORE!

I’m all about combating the Wussification of America. Hell, our two presidential candidates are tweeting at each other over a star. Now we have this. We’ve outdone ourselves, America. Not the good kind of outdoing yourself but the kind where you have flashback guilt for 13 years. How bad has this gotten? Part of my soul was crushed yesterday when Jason McIntyre told us that Colin Cowherd, who I think hung the moon, was running around the MLB all-star game looking for Pokemon. WHAT?

Last night I came home to find a Nerd Herd right outside my front porch with their phones out jumping with jubilation because they found a new Pokemon. RIGHT. OUTSIDE. MY. DAMN. DOOR. NO SIR! I pay entirely too much in yuptown Dallas for this garbage. Does this make me the old lady at 27 yelling at kids to get off their lawn? Hell yes it does, and I’m not ashamed.

At first I thought this whole little craze was funny. Sure, let’s all relive our Pokemon glory days. While we’re at it, bring me a Tamagotchi. At least that taught me the importance of nightly hygiene. Best form of birth control? A Tamagotchi you can’t turn off. Tamagotchis had a purpose. Then enter Pokemon. I was in 4th grade when this shitshow started. It was like all the sudden we were just going to forget about Beanie Babies. My mother neatly stored them all away though, because they were definitely going to pay for my college education.

I digress. Everyone was OBSESSED with these Pokemon cards, so I made my mother buy me a couple of packs. All I remember is that Elliott and Trevor wouldn’t trade all of my cards for a Charizard and I thought this was total bullshit…and then went back to my four Tamagotchis.

I love the “experts” who are saying this is so great because kids are getting out of their houses and exercising. GTFO. Today I was walking out of spin class, which is an actual form of exercise, responding to some work emails on my phone, and someone yelled at me, “There’s no good Pokemon here.” I paused, in shock that someone would think I was actually playing this nonsense, and snapped back aggressively, “some of us have actual work to do.” Showed him.

Nobody is getting in shape walking around holding an iPhone. That’s been America’s favorite past time since the first iPhone was released and we’re still fat. Instead, Pokemon Go is causing accidents and chaos everywhere. Prime example last night on Texas A&M’s campus…

How embarrassing. Can you imagine calling your dad to tell him you totaled your car because you were looking for Pokemon? I feel confident that most parents would take the news better if informed their son had knocked up a sorority girl.

So troubled youth and middle-aged men please delete your Pokemon Go app, and download Tinder instead. Or shoot for the stars on Bumble. Hell, go take a nap instead. Do just about anything else. Unless you’re a business owner. Then you should definitely pay $10 to have a Pokemon in your store. That’s just smart. 

Please tweet any stories of Pokemon mockery with me @MattieLouOKTC. You’ll be doing the Lord’s work.