Olivia Dunne Does A Flexibility Challenge, Dead Uncle Wheeled Into A Bank & A Golf Tirade For The Ages
FORE!
On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we shank one off the tee, break a few windows, and regroup with Olivia Dunne.
How's THAT for coming out of the gates full of piss and vinegar? No messing around today. No lollygagging. No long lecture to open class that you most likely skip anyways just to get to the good stuff.
And, of course, no Instagram embeds. I believe we've surpassed the 1-week mark since they last worked for us, and I've never, ever, in my life, had to work harder to find content.
Thank God for angry old men and Livvy Dunne, am I right?
Yes, we're gonna head BACK to the links today because I played a quick 9 yesterday on our local public course that's recently been destroyed by some algae. You ever played greens – and fairways – that are recovering from that disease? Not great. May as well have been putting through gravel.
But at least I didn't shank one into the neighbor's window on 1. One fella did earlier this week, and it gave us the content we're craving. Instagram embeds be damned!
What else? Olivia Dunne took a tumble while stretching out the hammies, some Brazilian chick wheeled her dead uncle into the bank to get him to sign some papers, and an old Bill Burr skit has resurfaced in light of everyone getting pissy about Caitlin Clark's WNBA contract.
You can imagine Bill's stance. Headphones very much IN for that one.
Grab a banana for National Banana Day – which apparently falls on the third Wednesday in April each year – and enjoy your shot of potasium on this Hump Day 'Cap!
I can't get enough of this pissed off old man on the golf course
So, like I said, I snuck away for a quick 9 yesterday, and I realized something that's probably obvious to most golfers, but I'm an idiot so it took a while for me …
When you're a generally shitty golfer, the shape the course is in literally means everything. I was hitting piss missiles off the tee yesterday, but couldn't find a green with my approach to save my life. Wasn't a problem when I was playing last weekend at a billion-dollar-a-year country club (obviously an invite), but it was yesterday.
And then I looked down during a disastrous 5th hole and realized I was basically hitting off dirt in the middle of the fairway – that's how bad this course was. Just destroyed. Good golfers can get away with it. I cannot.
I was missing 'em left, right, far, short – you name it. Duff City. Shank City. Topper City. I visited every city in the Golf World’s US of A yesterday, and I don't take responsibility for it at all. If you're a 15-20 handicap, you need the fairways to be better. You need the greens to be better.
Tee boxes were surprisingly fine, though. Stripe show. Unlike these bros:
Olivia Dunne takes a tumble while influencing
You ever put one through someone's window? I haven't, but I've taken off a couple shingles. Nothing more terrifying than teeing one up with houses on the left and/or right.
When I get to a tee box with houses on the right and a highway on the left, I just go ahead and layup from 460. Take out the trusty 60-degree, hit it 110, call it a day. We'll get 'em on the next hole.
"All right, Vitale. You own me $681 bucks."
*pause to smack golf cart tire.
"I'm goddamn madder than shit."
Just perfect. 200 yards wide? Eh. Little slippery. You're still playing with fire at that yardage. Not even close to being safe.
"Slice of slices."
PS: where are YOU hitting that drive with him just staring at you? Makes 18 at Augusta on a Sunday look like kid's play.
Speaking of crumbling under pressure, here's Olivia Dunne twirlin' & tumblin' on her way out of LSU:
Bill Burr explains the Caitlin Clark drama
Welcome back to class, Livvy! Been a while. Don't be such a stranger next time – you're only in college for so long.
Which brings us to Caitlin Clark …
The fake outrage is so predictable. Nobody and I mean nobody cared (cares) about the WNBA or the paygap until Clark's salary went viral earlier this week.
Even Joe had one of his handlers put together a virtue-signaling tweet for him:
Riley is so right, by the way. They don't see it, do they?
One minute, they're arguing that trans women should be allowed to play women's sports. They get pissed at us for … STICKING UP FOR REAL WOMEN!
The next, they're pissed that women don't make as much as men.
You can't shit on biological women one day, and defend them the next. Doesn't work like that. I know y'all want it to, but it doesn't.
Anyway, that's not even the point of this. Point is, Caitlin Clark making 75k to play WNBA basketball has nothing to do with Clark or the fact that she's a woman.
It's got to do with the revenue. The money. How much – how little – the actual league makes.
The WNBA pulls in roughly $4 a year. Honestly, that's a joke, but it's probably not.
According to WSN, the NBA – which STINKS – made around $10 billion in revenue in 2022. The WNBA made $60 million (although that seems impossible to me).
The average attendance for the WNBA that year? Just over 6k. Again, seems high, but whatever. Average viewership? 422k.
Better than CNN+, at least!
Point is, there is no pay gap. That's a fancy buzzword the wokes like to use to sound smart and progressive and hip.
There's an interest gap. That's the gap. And it's mammoth.
Ain't Caitlin Clark's fault. Hell, I'm hoping she fixes it, or at least closes it.
If Joe Biden wants WNBA players to be paid their "fair share," then he had better start watching some actual games. He won't, because he really doesn't give a shit about any of that, but you get my point.
We had a record number of folks tune into the WNBA Draft earlier this week. That's a good start. I assume you'll see a similar ratings bonanza for Clark's first game next month.
But what about after that? Ya get it?
And if you don't, here's Bill Burr from a few years ago in a now-resurfaced clip:
Weekend at Bernies, send this brat to prison & Bill Belichick on McAfee
Bill certainly has a way with his delivery, but you get the overall point. He's right, by the way. Love him or hate him, he's 100 percent right.
It's the same for all of us, too. If you guys didn't click on Nightcaps and read it on a daily basis, do you think we'd still be in class right now? You think they'd let me waste their time for 4 days a week putting together this lesson plan if nobody read it?
And guess what? If MORE of you guys read it, I'd probably be making Joe Kinsey money. That's neither here nor there, though.
Anyway, it's all just fake outrage from the people who don't actually give a damn about women's sports, because they're the same ones who want trans women playing them. Silliness.
OK, rapid-fire time. Let's roll.
First up? How about this chick down in Brazil?
Firstly – yes, the actual un-blurred video is on the internet. I chose this one because we have class here. As always, feel free to find it yourself. He's pretty dead.
Secondly … unreal move here by this guy's niece. Respect the hell out of the effort, but this was always gonna be a longshot play at best. Worth a try, though.
"Uncle, are you listening?" Again, love the effort. She's committed to the bit from the jump. Can't blame her one bit for this not working. She did her part. The uncle did his. The stupid banker wouldn't play ball.
That's just how life goes.
Next? When I tell people how ruthless middle and high school was, this is what I mean. Right here:
From the NY Post:
A North Carolina high school student was charged after he allegedly slapped his teacher multiple times during a viral profanity-laced classroom rant earlier this week.
On Tuesday, a secure custody order was issued for three misdemeanor charges against the student for assault on a government official.
He was charged with one count of communicating threats and two counts of misdemeanor assault, the Forsyth Sheriff’s Office announced.
Communicating threats? Is THAT what we're calling it in 2024? Honestly, I don't know the backstory here, but this kid should be sent to the moon. This is why kids need to be spanked. Not all of them, but some.
If I did that, my father would beat the hell out of me. Literally, he'd beat me. And I was a good kid!
And you know what? I'd thank him for it a few years later.
You know who this kid needs?
That never and I mean never gets old. It pops back up on my Twitter occasionally, and it's always a crowd-pleaser. Every time.
Finally … you know who 100 percent got spanked as a kid because it was socially acceptable back in the 1940s?
Bill Belichick!
Kayla Simmons, World's Sexiest Volleyballer, updates us on her broken femur
This, boys and girls, is why Pat McAfee will always win a battle at ESPN. He's a draw. He got Belichick! How many white wide receiver jokes is he gonna lob at Bill next week in Detroit? I can't wait. This will be must-see TV.
Can't wait to see Belichick unleashed in the wild. I think he's gonna be a firecracker. Seriously.
He's no Kayla Simmons, though. Close, but not quite.
She's recovering nicely from her bum leg, and was kind enough to share her at-home rehab journey with us.
Influencing never stops, folks.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Bill Burr have a point? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.