Twitter users are a group of characters that can make you laugh, cry, cringe, and convulse with rage all at the same time. It is one of the many aspects of the platform that make it so unique. I run the Freezing Cold Takes account on Twitter (@OldTakesExposed) which, among other things, highlights inaccurate takes and predictions. People send me tips and interact with my tweets all day long. Generally, I love it. It’s one of my favorite parts of running my account. I enjoy engaging with people all across the globe, chatting about sports and life.
But sometimes, I come across people that, for whatever reason, are terrible. In my opinion, at least. Well, actually, they may not be the worst people, it’s just the things they do that are the worst. Anyhow, I have reached a point of frustration where I have come across so many awful people that I had to jump up on my high horse and write about them.
So here it is, the list of the worst types of people on Twitter. If you don’t agree, you are also bad.
“WHO CARES?” GUY
He had to do it. He HAD to drop that “who cares?” reply. Couldn’t help it. Unavoidable! First, in this context, what does it mean to actually “care?” I care about my family, my friends, and their well-being. I don’t actually care that Jim Nantz pronounced the word “meme” as “me me” during last Saturday night’s Final Four broadcast, though I thought it was hilarious. I will check the score of the Mets/Nationals game tonight, but it makes no difference to me who wins. I will not lose sleep over it. In fact, I doubt I will think about the game ever again. Do my actions in response to the aforementioned situations qualify as caring?
In this context, it seems that, to most, a person “cares” when he or she has at least a scintilla of interest in a specific topic or fact that it is worthy enough for the person to glance at it for a few seconds. If that is the case, then wouldn’t anyone who favorites or retweets a tweet, by definition, care? Using this definition, how does somebody ask “who cares?” about a tweet that already contains a significant amount of likes and retweets? Clearly some people care.
When somebody asks “who cares?” about something, he or she is essentially making a direct announcement proclaiming “I, personally, don’t care about this.” But why not just write that? Why doesn’t Who Cares Guy just admit directly to purveyor of the alleged extraneous information that he, himself, doesn’t regard it as important. Probably because he is aware that his personal indifference is less important than the tweet about which he presumes nobody cares. One person’s disinterest in a tweet is irrelevant. So, essentially because nobody will care about him not caring about a tweet, Who Cares Guy feels it is necessary to subsume everyone into one group of people and propose a question implying that not only he, but everyone else, doesn’t care. Oh, the irony. Hey, Who Cares Guy, you don’t speak on behalf of others! Remember that.
“SLOW NEWS DAY” JERK
We have all seen it before. A reporter, journalist, or even guy who posts Cold Takes, tweets a story, opinion, or other factual quip, and a Twitter bozo, almost always a hypersensitive fan of the team or ardent supporter of the person who is the subject of the tweet, fires off the “slow news day” reply. What Sensitive Sally is implying with his or her response is that the tweet is worthless, and this particular day is so dry of worthy news that the tweeter, out of pure desperation, posted something that is not even remotely close to newsworthy, because if they didn’t, they would suffer the nightmare of not posting anything at all.
Relax buddy, you have no idea whatsoever whether it is a slow news day, and it is highly improbable that someone would be sitting there anxious, bouncing off walls saying “this freaking news day is SO slow. I MUST tweet something. I gotta!” Just ignore the tweet if you can’t handle it.
COLD TAKES DUDE/”THIS DIDN’T AGE WELL” NERD
What kind of loser spends time out of his or her day to search for old quotes just to throw it back in people’s faces when they get it wrong? Wait, that is me. Thinking about it and reflecting a bit, I do understand that is a pretty annoying thing to do. It is the definition of a troll. Oh well, I’m still going to continue doing it. Hey, I’m not the only one who does it. There are many people dropping “this didn’t age well” tweets on Twitter. The show would go on without me. But yes, I’ve heard it all. “No talent hack.” “what about your picks???” “you have the easiest job ever,” “I have no respect for people like you,” “how is your mother’s basement?,” “you think you are so important.” These are all fine. I’m not going to argue. I’m proud of what I do, or else I wouldn’t do it. I accept that I may be the worst. I’ll just strive to be the best of the worst.
“DO YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO…” SNOB
If you are on Twitter replying to people, liking tweets, or interacting in some way, you are also wasting your time on the platform just like everyone else. Whether you or I have “better” things to do is entirely subjective. But really though, nobody has better things to do than the things that they are doing. That is, unless a person doesn’t want to be engaged in the activity in which they are involved. If you are stuck at your girlfriend/boyfriend’s cousin’s college graduation, you probably feel like you have better things to do. Conversely, if you are at the Super Bowl watching your team lift up the Lombardi trophy, you wouldn’t claim to have anything better to do. When a group of people are amusing themselves on Twitter, and a user is so annoyed at the group’s actions that he or she has to try and insult the members of the group by inferring that they are huge losers, who is the one that should be searching for an activity that is “better?” The fact is, few people, if anyone, believe that you “better things to do” snobs have anything better to do yourselves. Like you really are going to walk away from your phone or computer to some sort of productive activity. Don’t lie to us.
“YOU HAVE NO LIFE” DECLARER
I personally get this one all the time. What is the definition of having a life anyway? I have a family with a great wife and two kids and I have no life because I look up old takes? It’s fucking Twitter. We really don’t know anything about the specifics of people’s lives. It’s intellectually dishonest to denounce someone’s life as empty when you know nothing about it. Shut up guy. Forever. Maybe you are the one who is devoid of life. Ever think of that?
“DO BETTER” ASSHOLE
Twitter is a free app. Yet somehow people have developed an expectation that each tweet sent by a person whom they follow should provide them with value, hit all the right points, and not personally upset or offend them. It’s free entertainment. Nobody owes anything to their followers. Also, you don’t know what is best for someone’s feed, so you certainly don’t know what is better. So stop telling someone to “do better.” You do better at giving constructive criticism, or at least do better at showing restraint from saying “do better.” Just a caveat here, I have been “do better” guy many times. I hate myself every time I send a tweet to someone with that phrase. I promise to do better at this.
The worst. Great head of hair though.
Get over yourself. You are a single follower on Twitter. This isn’t NBA Free Agency. Do you want us to beg for you to come back? Should we say “oh I better change my ways, @DFG13654838 gave me the ole unfollow?” Run along and don’t come back.
Also, even worse are the people whom you don’t even know and with whom you have interacted once, telling you they blocked you.
I get this sometimes. Buddy, I don’t even know you. Why in the world would it bother me if I can’t see your tweets? Save the dramatics, and just block in silence.
GUY WHO REPLIES ”CLICKBAIT” ABOUT A TWEET WITH NO LINK
Tweets without links don’t generate clicks, doofus.
OVERLY CYNICAL GUY
This is also me. At least according to my father. And my wife. And my brother. OK, my friends too. I stink.
OTHER TERRIBLE TYPES OF TWITTER PEOPLE
- “I was only kidding” backtracker
- Sneaky deleter
- Contrarian just to be contrarian person
- Guy who vociferously points out that a player has a “no trade clause” as if it can’t be waived
- “You do you” guy
- Jerk who criticizes an article without reading it
- Snarky person who prefaces a reply with “you do realize…,” or “it’s almost as if…”
- “Fade his picks” dude
- Everything is racist person
- Guy who must point out that a player’s salary different “after taxes.”
- “Why is this news?” person
- “You would never say that to their face” dude
- Guy who challenges someone over Twitter to a fight in real life knowing that such encounter will never take place
- Nothing is racist person
- Broad sweeping generalization dude
- Geek who corrects someone on irrelevant fact or spelling mistake
- Sensitive college football recruiting junkie who pretentiously explains to others how recruiting rankings work to mitigate his team’s lower ranking
- Person who says “Twitter is the worst” yet uses it all day long
- “Stick to” dork
- Guy who asks person “how do you still have a job?”
- Person who tweets someone’s employer’s official account imploring said employer to fire the someone
- “To be fair,” “in fairness” guy
There it is. That is the list. Problem is, I may have covered every type of person who uses Twitter. Ahh, never change, Twitter people. “You do you.”
(Top Photo: Bottom left picture via wisegeek.net, bottom right picture via thecampussocialite.net)
Fred Segal is an attorney from West Palm Beach, FL. He operates the popular Freezing Cold Takes Twitter account (@OldTakesExposed) which highlights, among other things, hilarious unprophetic and inaccurate takes and predictions.