Perhaps the biggest unanswered question in this year’s NFL draft is, who is Johnny Football bringing to Radio City? If I were a girl on this short list, I would be in panic mode. EVERYONE IS WATCHING YOU. If this is something you are trying to turn into a ‘”œcareer” (let’€™s use that term very loosely) it’s your Katherine Webb moment. It doesn’€™t get any bigger than this: instant Twitter followers, becoming a trending topic, endless press requests about the “state of your relationship” with JFF. Pass the Xanax please.
It should be noted that I think, and call me crazy (which some of you have), JFF isn’€™t going to bring anyone. Seriously. I think his move here is this is going to be all about me, this is my day I’™ve worked for, etc. BUT in the event that I’€™m wrong about this prediction let’s dive into his inner posse’™s thought processes on this once in a lifetime selection.
Mr. and Mrs. Manziel: I mean blood is thicker than oil??….or something like that. We know the Manziels are one close knit bunch who have been worried about Johnny’s €œover exposure at such a young age, and I think they have every right to be. If I’€™m Mr. and Mrs. Manziel (mainly Mrs.) I’m getting tired of seeing my son with a new cocktail waitress at a different sporting event every week. She probably is/should be concerned that little Johnny will try to bring one of these ladies into the family. HA, good luck with that. Marrying into an old money family includes a more rigorous vetting process than most political office nominees.
Their pick: a nice, beautiful, wholesome girl next door. Kind of like Samantha Steele Ponder.
Meri Manziel: This is Johnny’s sister. From their Instagram accounts they seem to very close. If you think this girl is not annoyed by the girls JFF brings around, you would be wrong. Every little sister with an older brother wants them to have a girlfriend who could fill the “€œI never had an older sister to do my make up with” role. So far, JFF is striking out on this end. Also, I’m sure she wants to be on TV more than random trina.
Meri’™s pick: Taylor Swift. She bakes cookies with her cat, never wears anything scandalous, and she’™s got all of the best Hollywood BFFs.
Drake: Of course Manziel’™s got to check with his favorite fair-weathered sports fan BFF. Drake’™s advice? “œFeel like my love life is finished. I’ve been avoiding commitment. That’™s why I’™m in this position.” …um, I mean, Drake says bring the girl who looks the best in a bandage dress to inspire a new beat called “œMy Draft Day Side Piece.”
Drake’s pick: He’€™ll let JFF borrow Rihanna for the night since he’s not about that commitment life. She may or may not show up fully clothed.
Agent: After seeing Erik Burkhardt’s response to Vance Bedford on Twitter this guy is not about being #lowkey. He’™s probably doing whatever he can to lock up some more well-known girl for JFF to stroll in with. Actually screw it, he’s probably lining up an entourage.
Erik’™s pick: Playboy Bunnies for each month so far of 2014. JFF will be forced to wear a fur jacket. There will be a Hunger Games style competition to see which bunny gets to be in the official draft day photo, and JFF Bunny Search will have a copyright tag pending his selection in the draft. Book it.
Uncle Nate: Are they still close? What’™s the deal here? Every nephew has to consult his uncle for this kind of thing right?
Uncle Nate’™s pick: Himself. I mean bro I dropped out of college to manage you. It’s the least you can do.
Kliff Kingsbury: We all know that Kliffy K gives JFF almost all of the credit for where he is in his career now. Whatever. They are still close and talk regularly so one would assume that JFF would check with America’s Most Eligible Bachelor now that Clooney is Engaged about who to take. I imagine Kliffy K is wearing his classic v-neck tee and Ray Bans during this conversation.
Kliffy K’s pick: Rachel McAdams. Yeah man, I was in this movie one time with this chick Rachel, she’s a cool girl, I wrote her a bunch of letters and never got a response, but I would be happy to write her one for you and see if she would be down. We dated for a little bit, but what’s mine is yours.
Roger Goodell: Oh Papa Rog, I’™m sure he’s hoping for some great eye candy and looking for a way to fine someone for staring uncontrollably at players’ dates.
Rog’€™s pick: Donald Sterling’€™s girlfriend. Why? Based on principle alone, he would have to fine JFF for bringing negative PR to the draft.
Don’€™t let us down Johnny Football. We are expecting big draft day things from you!