Spurred on by two letters to the editor and an occasional anonymous comment on social media, white people are currently engaged in a competition to be the white person who likes Cam Newton the most on the Internet.
It’s a furious and death-defying contest, an effort to like a guy more than everyone else who already likes a guy. It’s downright exhausting. People are scouring comments on social media like they’re searching for Bigfoot; an effort to find one dude with more than 25 Twitter followers who doesn’t like Cam Newton so he can be publicly castigated and branded a racist for not liking a player.
“HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE AN ATHLETE, YOU RACIST! Everybody, everybody, come look at the racist who doesn’t like Cam Newton. See, see, we found the racist NFL fan! He doesn’t like Cam Newton because he’s black! Let’s Jake the Snake his mentions his on Twitter. We can’t let him keep on living!”
Nobody is better at fighting the battles of the 1960’s than modern day PC bros in 2016. It’s easy to win battles when no one is actually returning fire. That’s because, newsflash: NO ONE OF ANY RACE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT BLACK QUARTERBACKS CAN’T WIN SUPER BOWLS ANY MORE.
Not. One. Person.
And let’s just say you were a virulent racist, would there be a worse way to spend your time than watching a sport where black people represent 70% of the athletes? Wouldn’t it drive you insane to see black people winning all the time? You wouldn’t just have to be racist, you’d have to be a sado masochistic racist.
But that isn’t stopping white people from engaging in a fight to the death to like Cam Newton more than other white people on the Internet.
No quarterback has ever arrived in a Super Bowl with less criticism than Cam Newton. I haven’t seen a single negative word written about Cam Newton in two months. Think about how much criticism we’ve seen of Eli or Brady or Peyton or Flacco in their Super Bowl years. Now compare that with Cam this year.
Can you even send me a single article — not a letter to the editor, an actual article — from someone ripping Cam for anything this year? Think about how incredible that is, in an era when everything that every athlete does is ripped to shreds, no one has crushed Cam for anything this year.
Forget the hate, no quarterback in NFL history has arrived in a Super Bowl with less negative words written or spoken about him in the history of the NFL.
White people are so afraid of being called racist that they’re engaged in a battle to see who can love Cam Newton the most.
I’ve been scouring the Internet to read what white people are saying about Cam and I’ve found the 10 most common things white people are saying to prove how much they like Cam:
1. White person who loves Cam Newton but argues that most white people don’t.
This is the most prevalent white person on Twitter: THE WHITE GUY WHO ISN’T RACIST IN THE LEAST BIT, BUT KNOWS PLENTY OF WHITE PEOPLE WHO ARE.
Asked to point out these racist white people, he will say they hide. (Or point to me on Twitter. Key point here, I’m not racist, I hate everybody equally.)
2. White guy who knew Cam was going to be a great NFL quarterback back when he was still at Auburn.
“I told you he was going to be good. None of the racists believed it though.”
Newflash: Cam went number one overall!
It’s not like Cam’s some hidden diamond in the rough, he won the Heisman trophy and a national title and put together the most dominant season in SEC history.
3. White person who says he doesn’t even notice that Cam Newton is black person.
“Man, I don’t even notice race. I just come to watch sports. We’re all one race, the human race. In fact, I notice race so little that I flew to Africa to adopt a baby there. Didn’t even know the baby was black. Still don’t.”
4. White guys who said Cam Newton deserved the MVP before the other white guys.
“Look, I said Cam Newton deserved the MVP way back in October. The rest of you wanna be Cam Newton lovers didn’t even so much as show your faces until December. Get your racist asses out of here.”
5. White person who cites Aaron Rodgers celebrating with no criticism as evidence of Cam racism.
“I mean, look at how Aaron Rodgers celebrates. No one complains about him. You know why they complain about Cam? Racism.”
Asked to explain who complains about Cam’s celebrations, he is silent for a long time and then says, “Other white people. They do.”
6. White Auburn fans who says Alabama fans who don’t like Cam are racist.
“War Eagle. I love Cam, but lots of racist white people don’t like him, like Alabama fans.”
7. The Cam is “held to a different standard than every other quarterback,” white guy.
Good point, white quarterbacks never get criticized for anything.
Meanwhile, Tony Romo’s over here in his backwards baseball cap and arm sling silently weeping as he scrolls through his Twitter mentions.
8. White guy who talks about Cam Newton giving footballs to kids.
“Why don’t we talk more about that, huh, huh? Racism, that’s why.”
WE TALK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME. IT IS THE MOST DISCUSSED DETAIL IN THE NFL THIS SEASON.
9. White guy who says Cam is an important figure in the country’s racial history.
Good point, without Cam Newton we’d have no idea that black people could play football well. He’s definitely changing perceptions.
10. White guy from a racist northern city who criticizes made up racist Southerners about Cam Newton.
“I mean, nobody around here is racist, but down South? You know those people hate Cam Newton.”
Now that we’ve identified all these guys, it’s important for me to get the last word.
I love Cam Newton more than all of you.