[So much tragedy over the last few days. Along with everyone else, my heart goes out to all the people impacted in Boston, MA and now West, TX. It’s been a rough week for sure, but I’m hoping I can write something that will give y’all a moment of relief from all the bad news, even if only for a couple minutes, and maybe even make you laugh a little.]
Do you ever find yourself in a situation asking, “What would Ryan Lochte do here?” If the answer you’re looking for isn’t have sex, party, or create an asinine trademark phrase, then you probably shouldn’t be asking yourself that question. Regardless, it’s time to move over, Homeland. Take a seat, The Americans. Because there’s a new show in town that’s going to blow everything else out of the water.
OKTC Nation, you now have plans this Sunday night, when we will all be tuning in together to watch the latest contender for the best new show on television. On April 21st at 9 pm CST, the E! Network will air the world premiere of the Olympic swimmer’s own reality show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” According to E!, the weekly series will “take viewers inside the unpredictable and offbeat life of the sports star.” What that translates to is the weekly series will “take viewers inside the scripted and extremely predictable life of a guy whose 15 minutes of fame are up and he’s desperately trying to keep himself relevant.” When Ryan Lochte made “Jeahhhh!” a thing, I thought it was stupid; apparently E! thought it was television gold. Show’s how much I know.
There’s a trailer for the show, but I didn’t even need to see it to know that I’d already be watching Sunday night. All I needed was this [via BuzzFeed]: http://www.buzzfeed.com/amyodell/ryan-lochte-great-at-swimming-less-great-at-talk
But since I feel a deep sense of responsibility to provide all of you with journalistic precision and integrity, I did my homework and watched the whole trailer anyway. (Does everyone see what I do for you people?)
Ryan begins by walking us through the intricate thought process behind “jeahhhh!” around the 20-second mark, explaining how we all need to make sure and put the “enphidence” on the ‘j’ sound. Ugh, GREAT, and all this time I’ve been putting the “enphidence” on the wrong place. Also, I’ve been pronouncing “emphasis” wrong! This is embarrassing.
Around the two-minute mark, Ryan approaches a girl and slurs out a string of indecipherable words that apparently turns out to be “You wanna go out to dinner?” He is met with faux skepticism and doubt from the girl, who probably ditched her friends to go home and sleep with him immediately (after probably requesting that he quit speaking words. No more words from him from that point forward. It’s just too painful for him, too exhausting for him to try and piece words together to create coherent sentences—she could see the palpable strife in his eyes—and she needed him to save his energy for the bedroom.)
During the course of the trailer, Ryan professes his desperate desire to find his soul mate (declaring “I will not give up on love”), discusses his one-night-stands with his mother, and then finally leaves us with one last solid piece of advice: “Don’t duplicate, just recipitate.” AMEN, BRAH. [??????]
Guys, I’m not saying this is going to be easy, but I am saying it’s going to be worth it. (JUST GO WITH IT. What else are you going to do with your time these days, watch a football game? …That’s what I thought.) I know it might be rough to stomach an entire episode, so I have a few things up my sleeve that might help y’all when you’re having a weak moment. Ladies, whenever you’re watching Ryan mutilate 4th grade-level vocabulary words and you start to feel your brain slowly turning into mush and think you just can’t take it anymore, please look at the image below for a full 15-20 seconds and remember that THIS might pop up on your television screen at ANY point:
And men, on the 5th time that Ryan refers to himself as a “rockstar” and “fashion icon” and you just feel like throwing in the towel, please take a look at the image below for a full 15-20 seconds (or minutes…Clay, you can pause the TV if you need to) and remember that THIS is what Ryan Lochte is surrounded by 75% of his life, meaning there’s a very good chance scenes like this will pop up during the show at ANY point:
So what would Ryan Lochte do? He’d watch his show, of course. (While annoying everyone else in the room by asking repeatedly “Hey, how am I there… AND here???”) Here’s the trailer so you can be fully prepared for what we’re all getting ourselves into Sunday night: http://insidetv.ew.com/2013/03/26/ryan-lochte-reality-trailer/
Lastly, when Ryan Lochte ponders, he ponders naked. See you all Sunday night.