Watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette And Women Will Sleep With You
Want to sleep with more women?
Don't know how.
If you can’t do that (or refuse to do that), your only other option is to know the key players this season, and know them well enough to pretend you're watching.
Which is where I come in.
Lucky for you, I’ve created your handy Bachelorette All-Star Roster (see how I put that in sports terms for you? I am too good to you people) to study and reference before your next interaction with any females.
By the way, I don’t know why I’m even doing this for you guys. If y'all remember correctly, I was in your shoes not too long ago. Football season was upon us, and I suddenly had no idea how to interact with the opposite sex. If someone would’ve created a cheat sheet for me during football season, I would’ve been indebted to him forever. Instead, I had to fend for myself during that dark and lonely period. I wisely knew the best way to get a man’s attention was to incorporate some sort of football lingo into my daily vernacular; the problem was, HOW. I typically stuck to something like “So, this football game … is it over yet?” Or, if my prey was a tougher nut to crack, I’d try the more perceptive, thoughtful approach of, “Wow, I thoroughly enjoyed that last goal. I can’t wait for the next football match.” Or, if ever in a pinch or if time was of the essence, I’d just arbitrarily yell out “SPORTS!!!” (I am not endorsing any of these methods, girls, and I won’t be held responsible for the outcome if you try them out.)
See, lots of women fake football knowledge to be more attractive to men. You can do the same. Fake Bachelor/Bachelorette knowledge well enough and women will sleep with you.
Really.
Sure, I picked up a few football buzzwords here and there, but it didn’t prove very fruitful for me. I had about three player names in my arsenal, and I kept them in heavy rotation: Tim Tebow (because my mom was already planning our wedding), RG3 (because I automatically supported anyone who was helping Waco be known for something other than housing a cult), and AJ McCarron/Tyler Bray (whom I considered the same person for some reason, using them interchangeably, and whom I only knew of because they both had horrifying body art). Needless to say, someone could’ve stepped up to the plate and helped a sister out.
That being said, here is what you need to know in order to have a meaningful conversation with your wife, girlfriend or potential love interest between the months of May and July:
Doug, 33, Real Estate Agent
The thing you need to know about Doug is that he gets REALLY annoyed when the other guys try to impress Emily with their "fancy vocabulary," meaning any word that can be found in a 4th grade level textbook or higher. Doug is so down to earth, man. Doug doesn’t do ostentatious, showy things like use correct grammar and stuff to woo Emily. Nah, brah. Doug is REAL. You will be able to recognize Doug immediately from his incessant use of the brain cell-murdering phrase, "Check yourself, Brah," his go-to line whenever one of the guys says something Doug doesn’t really understand, which is every time.
Tony, 31, Lumber Trader
Oh Charlie. Ambiguous, enigmatic Charlie. Charlie “The Recruiter” from Nashville. Recruiter of what, we do not know. Recruiter of corporate executives? Of sous chefs? Of small Asian children? We may never know. However, part of being a good writer is knowing your audience. And since I know y'all so well, I'm going to suggest that you think of Charlie as a recruiter of SPORTS. Of football! Finding the show more bearable to watch now? I thought so.Jef with one F, 27, Entrepreneur
Typically, I’d start out with a stale, trite joke about “entrepreneur” really meaning “unemployed joker” in Jef’s native language of “Moronic” which is spoken in his hometown of “Loserville” where he took classes in “Man Bouffants 101,” but I actually like the guy. He’s sweet and soft-spoken and always looks away disinterestedly whenever he catches Emily’s eye (so he’s either playing super hard to get (HOT) or he’s gay (STILL HOT)). Right now, all you men have nothing to talk about except how many more days until football season kicks off. But we women? We get to talk about Jef with one F’s luscious man-pompadour. And if you want any chance at any sort of conversation with us any time soon, you will learn to talk about that, too.Chris, 25, Corporate Sales Director
Alright, look, I'm just gonna save everyone some time here. Please, just do yourself a huge favor here and either gouge out your eardrums with rusted ice picks (unsanitized) and/or drink a bottle of bleach (industrial-sized) whenever this man begins to open his mouth and attempts to make conversation (and I use the phrase “make conversation” more loosely than it’s ever been used before in the history of phrases, ever).Lerone, 29, Real Estate Consultant (but you can just call him “Token Black Guy”)
Lerone is a great guy who—oh wait, never mind. Lerone didn’t make it past Episode One. Lerone was sent packing after the very first rose ceremony. Lawsuit commencing in 3…2…1…Ryan, 31, Pro Sports Trainer
Ryan is just your average dude with tiny baby ears and pointy hair. He’s not really that interesting or compelling or intelligent, but he has radioactive white teeth and dimples (HANDSOME) and the kind of socially-acceptable man boobs that you’re pretty sure he could make dance up and down with the effortless flexing of his pectoral muscles (HOURS OF ENDLESS ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU BOTH), so Emily is into him, obviously. I’m including him here because he works in SPORTS and used to play SPORTS. Another SPORTS connection, guys. A comforting thought you can reference whenever you find yourself in the living room with your girlfriend watching as a few dozen full grown men lather on coconut oil and hair gel and strut their shiny, hairless bods around on your TV screen.