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Allegiant Air did me dirty… My wife and I were in Florida over the weekend courtesy of an Allegiant flight that – round trip – cost about as much as the tennis shoes I wore on the plane. And make no mistake, I wasn’t rocking Jordans, Yeezys, or some other expensive kicks. Nope, soles were fashionable, yet, purchased on sale…like our flights.
Sadly, you get what you pay for. And my flights (actually, just the return flight home) stunk worse than my shoes.
Things started off great…my wife and I had no one in the row with us, meaning we could use the middle seat as a vacation for our elbows, storage space for various electronics, a trash bin, etc. But it was too good to be true. After boarding we sat for 45 minutes without the plane moving from the gate. The captain turned the mic on to tell us there was only one team available to “push us to the runway” (what is this, the PAC-12?) and the aircraft next to us was first in line, we were next. 10 minutes go by, 15, 20… no push. If said plane pushers were offensive lineman, they were being dominated by the DLine and now we were in the 4th quarter. Did I mention no one could get up to pee? My 40-year-old bladder can’t take that kind of abuse, especially when it was still draining a weekend’s worth of beer, wine and liquor.
As you can imagine, the passengers started getting unruly and despite the delay and non-answers from the flight deck, part of me wanted to be on board to film someone taking swings at the flight crew or unloading a NSFW verbal tirade. I’d have filmed that like I was Scorsese and fired it off to the OutKick culture department for immediate release. I mean, after all, content is king, on-time flights be damned!
Ok, where were we? Oh yeah, another half hour or so goes by and we’ve somehow creeped our way toward the runway. Finally. But it was really just a prom night tease. No action here. The pilot mans the mic again and announces that because of weather, we need to reroute and the reroute requires additional fuel- so back to the gate we go!
You can imagine how thrilled we were. In an effort to alleviate passenger stress, Allegiant pumped cold air/smoke/weird clouds through the cabin. It was equal parts refreshing and creepy. And though the cold air felt great, I can assure you none of us were enamored enough by it to forget we had been sitting in our seats, at our gate (and briefly, the runway) for just a shade under two hours at this point. Eventually, we were airborne roughly two hours and 45 minutes AFTER we boarded the plane. The best part – the flight itself was two hours and 16 minutes. Yes, we were on the ground, at a gate, immersed in a cold air display for longer than we were in the air.
Once we landed, Allegiant Air provided no further explanation, no courtesy drinks, no vouchers, etc. Just the standard “thanks for flying with us.”
Read the room!
What’s even funnier is, when the flight finally took to the air, not even soft drinks were comped. “I realize we’re three hours behind, but that Diet Coke’s gonna cost you $3.99, credit card only.” Part of me respects the hustle. They pulled the ultimate George Costanza and acted as if nothing happened. Just kept it moving.
Now, Allegiant’s on my shit list. They’re joined by people that talk on speaker phone in public, people that call instead of text, people that schedule meetings to talk about other meetings and the SOBs who greenlit multiple Ghostbusters remakes.
Guess I’ve gotta shell out the big bucks (Spirit, Frontier, who wants me?!) next time I fly. Or maybe we can convince Clay to spring for an OutKick bird. I’d be willing to toss a yearly Nightcaps subscription into the mix if it helps get a deal done.
Unlike the Allegiant crew, I’ll keep you posted.
Von Miller Was Farting 45x A Day
In a stark contrast from our plane, Bills DE Von Miller wasn’t lacking for gas. In fact, he had more than enough to fuel an entire airport. Miller was a guest on Pardon My Take earlier this week and told the podcast’s hosts that until he did a recent blood diet to determine what he digests the best and worst, he’s greatly reduced the amount of gas he passes.
“Ever since I started sticking to that (diet) I’ve been great,” Miller told PMT. “I’ve been great. Instead of forty five farts per day I probably have two or three.”
Miller went on to say that his frequent butt bombs were largely due to eating so much dairy. “Eggs was a big one for me,” Miller admitted. “…I was eating like a six egg omelette every morning. And eggs cause so much inflammation in my gut. So I was eating eggs and dairy and that’s the two things I’m not supposed to have.”
He’s since significantly cut down on his dairy. I imagine his Bills teammates are thrilled with his decision.
I Can’t Stop Watching Jose Ramirez Drop Tim Anderson
Now allow me to gas up MLB’s fight of the decade. It’s been three days since Jose Ramirez played the role of Mike Tyson to Tim Anderson’s Leon Spinks. And I know we’ve covered it from every hard-hitting angle (see what I did there?). But I don’t care. I just can’t get enough. There’s nothing quite like a bully/tough guy starting a fight then getting dropped. That’s exactly what happened to Anderson.
I don’t have any particular disdain for Anderson. In fact, I love that he wasted no time squaring up with Ramirez. That’s old school. Obviously he had no idea he was going to get embarrassed, but I love the decision. You can’t be a shot blocker without getting dunked on every once in a while, right?
Actually, that probably doesn’t make much sense unless Anderson’s previously knocked someone out. But, whatever. I’m coming off a vacation bender so work with me here.
I could care less about the pitch clock, shift rules, or bigger bases. But if you tell me MLB umps are going to politely step out of the way and let a couple big leaguers settle their differences like men, I’m all in on baseball. For the first time ever, I might just have to figure out which channel is MLB network.
Now that I’ve weighed in on the diamond duel, let’s think of who we’d most like to see get the Tim Anderson treatment in other sports.
*Full disclosure, all these athletes would drop me quicker than Subway did Jared. This is just me hiding behind my wireless keyboard (fancy) listing whom I think the masses most want to see take an in-game KO.
- NBA: We have a tie: Dillon Brooks or Draymond Green
- NFL: Greg Hardy. Wait, that’s already happened a bunch. Russell Wilson.
- Soccer: The USW…too soon.
Hannah Goldy Can Punch Too, Looks Better Doing So
Ramirez proved over the weekend that he’s multi-talented. He can hit the shit out of a baseball and his opponent. UFC’s Hannah Goldy is much like Ramirez – minus the baseball part. She can knock an opponent (6-3 career record) in to tomorrow, too. But, Goldy gets bonus points over Ramirez because, at least in my opinion, she looks a hell of a lot better doing so.
Goldy might not have an official UFC belt to her name, but she’s all but certified as the title holder of UFC’s hottest fighter. If the summer heat caused you to forget just what a smokeshow Goldy is, she reminded her more than 182k IG followers that she is indeed stacked.
Seems like a hell of a process to pee in that onesie – good thing she wasn’t on a delayed Allegiant flight – but that’s a discussion for another day.
As I was saying, Goldy is the rare person that can both provide a knockout and be considered one.
If given the option to square off with Goldy or Ramirez, I assume most of us wouldn’t hesitate to say “No way, Jose.”
*BONUS POINTS for the dad joke.
Who’s Hungry…And Needs Footwear?
After all that reading, you’re probably hungry, right?
Well, you’ve come to the right place. And I’m definitely not recommending eggs Benedict after that whole Von Miller situation. So stay with me.
Good news/bad news. The good news is, I’ve got a food recommendation for you. (actually, the good news might’ve been avoiding a Von Miller situation, but I digress) The bad news is, if you want it, you’re going to have to chow down while wearing footwear that only non-adults and OutKick’s Matt Reigle are comfortable being spotted in.
Everybody’s favorite breakfast on the go, Pop-Tarts, has a brand new box of sweets hitting virtual shelves. And your feet. Kind of.
Pop-Tarts has collaborated with Crocs to release limited-edition Pop-Tarts Croc-Tarts. The actual Pop-Tarts are in the form of “Jibbitz.” If you don’t know what Jibbitz are, that’s a good thing. It means you’re neither 11-years-old or a nerd. Jibbitz are small decorative pieces that attach onto crocs as decorations.
Now, those Jibbitz will be edible, for a limited time, thanks to Pop-Tarts.
Per Yahoo, each pair of Crocs will come with Pop-Tarts Jibbitz, including a Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tart, a Frosted Wildberry Pop-Tart, the silver Pop-Tarts foil, the “Crazy Good” slogan, and the Pop-Tarts logo, for you to decorate the shoes. Plus, each kit will come with a box of Unfrosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts and edible strawberry- and blueberry-flavored candy Jibbitz to decorate the toaster pastry.
This extremely odd combination will only be available for a limited time starting today, Aug. 9. A “lottery” will be conducted to determine who earns the honor of receiving Pop-Tarts Crocs. I assume both websites have more information (I’m too lazy to look) on how to enter the “lottery.” Chances are you enter your email, address, social security number, first born’s middle name, 2020 W2s and maybe one or two other things. And if you’re one of the lucky ones, you’ll soon be the envy of all the local foot fetishists.
Quick aside, the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart is in a class of its own. If you disagree, state your case by emailing me: firstname.lastname@example.org or hitting me up on X – ya know, like Twitter – @OhioAF.
Lineman Gets Scholarship To Chew On
Eastern Michigan’s Zack Conti need not apply for the limited edition Pop-Tarts/Crocs, he’s already won the lottery. Conti’s a senior walk-on offensive lineman who’s paid his own tuition at EMU. And it wasn’t always easy. He’s previously donated plasma in an effort to pay bills. Well, thanks to teammate Brian Dooley, he’s a walk-on no more.
Dooley gave his scholarship to Conti late last week during a team meeting.
Zach Dean, one of the trio of us Nightcappers, detailed the scholarship delivery here.
You can watch it unfold below.
That’s the good stuff. Arguably even better than a box of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.
Fernando Tatis Jr. Somehow Hasn’t Seen Anchorman
I’m really going from the emotional scholarship swap to Fernando Tatis Jr. telling the home of his Padres to “Go F- yourself San Diego,” aren’t I? Sure, sure I am. But, with context. First of all, I can’t end this thing with a tearjerker. This is Nightcaps, not Lifetime.
Secondly, Tatis didn’t actually say those words. He inferred it with his lack of cinematic masterpiece viewing.
Tatis was mic’d up on Sunday evening when ESPN’s Karl Ravech asked him between innings if he’s seen Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. And, simply put, Tatis had zero idea what Ravech was talking about.
San Diego’s own didn’t know that 60% of the time it works every time. Or that the only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show and see if she likes the goods.
You just have to at least know enough about San Diego’s finest film to fake your way with the locals. Though, Tatis was 5 when the movie came out. So we’ll give him a pass. Besides, he’s already having a down year, I wouldn’t want to succumb him to a glass case of emotion.
It’s Not Goodbye, It’s See You Later
What do you say we do this whole Nightcaps thing again next Wednesday? Until then, enjoy the leftovers!
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF