The wait is finally over. Having settled into 2022 for damn near five full months, the top 10 baby names of the last year have been revealed. The office of Social Security released the list this morning, providing 20 total names: 10 each for those still choosing to identify their children as either male or female.
Setting the pace for boys is Noah, while girls were most often named Olivia. Eight of the ten female names ended in a vowel. And depending on how you feel about “Y” being a vowel, either one (Theodore), or two (Henry), boy names had the alphabetic honor.
The office of Social Security is yet to release a list of names from those toddlers who wish to self-identify as neither male nor female and whose names change as often as the weather. However, early speculation suggests that the popular names amongst said toddlers are Applesauce, Garbage Can, Unicorn, and Greg.
A list of each of the sexes top ten names follows:
— Kathryn Anne Edwards (@keds_economist) May 6, 2022
Now that the names have been revealed, it’s time to play the name game – an exercise where we try and determine why each name was so frequently bestowed upon newborns. We’ll start with the fellas:
Laim – gotta be Nesson, right?
Noah – I have Noah idea where this one came from.
Oliver – Maybe Quarantine had everyone getting pregnant while watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.
Elijah – 49ers RB Elijah Mitchell paced many fantasy squads last fall. Certainly worthy of recognition.
James – Like 8 out of every 10 dads are named James, so this is just the apple falling close to the tree.
William – The remaining 2 dads are named William (or Bill, Billy, Big Willy Style, etc.). Again, apple-tree.
Benjamin – It’s either Button or Watson, depending on if mom and dad are movie fans or appreciate production from the tight end position.
Lucas – Two days short of May the Fourth be with you! Are you kidding me? It’s George Lucas, obviously.
Henry – Lotta Kissinger fans out there from what I hear.
Theodore – You can’t birth sons Alvin and Simon without completing the triangle.
As for the ladies…
Olivia – Rodrigo’s been featured on OutKick. Most people read OutKick. You do the math.
Emma – Stone was in Superbad, and what man or woman doesn’t love Superbad?
Charlotte – Moms remember reading Charlotte’s web growing up, dad’s remember Larry Johnson’s Hornets.
Amelia – Earhart’s been hot for most of the last century.
Ava – When all else fails, opt for a name that’s spelled the same way forward and backward.
Sophia – Where my Golden Girls fans at?
Isabella – Once Bella became played out, it was time to throw an Isa in front
Mia – Mia Hamm was the bees knees when most of these newbie moms were growing up, kicking around a ball.
Evelyn – This is a grandma’s name. Period. Must be a mistake.
Harper – Lotta parents must’ve smoked some devil’s lettuce while listening to Ben Harper and getting pregnant. Either that, or they spent COVID watching reruns of Charlie Harper in Two and a Half Men – also while doing the dirty.
Expectant 2022 parents, you’re on the clock!
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF