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Yes, we’ll get to almost-naked Tom Brady in a minute. I know that’s why everyone is here. Let me just get the introductions out of the way first, OK?
You know how they say the first child is always the easiest, which is its way of tricking you into having more kids?
And then, of course, the second kid is an absolute menace who never sleeps, always cries, screams for no reason at all in the middle of the night and wakes you up from a Sunday nap by kicking you in the nuts?
Welcome to Nightcaps! Hope you brought a cup (both for drinking AND protecting yourself!).
For some reason, they’ve given me – and a few of the other (way more talented but less better looking) OutKick writers – the keys to this brand new franchise. Hopefully, we don’t pull a Dan Snyder. If we do, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
No, this ain’t Screencaps. That’s the oldest kid. The proven one. The successful one. The one that sleeps all night, and behaves himself during the day.
This is Nightcaps: a new venture that’s a little bit of booze and a little bit of news.
Think of this spot as your afternoon reservation to a safe space – minus the emotional support animal, of course.
Hopefully, by the end of this journey – which will happen either when I get fired or we go to war with China, whichever comes first – you folks will treat Nightcaps the same way mom and dad treat their three kids …
They liked the first one more at first, mainly by default. But, now it’s 30 years down the road and they’ve quickly realized that they actually liked the younger one way more, let him/her get away with just about everything, and basically just checked out at the end.
And yes, in case you haven’t caught on yet, I am the oldest of four siblings.
Time for a nightcap. Might as well make it a double, too, because we’re starting this franchise with a DOOZY!
Naked Tom Brady is retired, single & ready to mingle
Did I sell it, or what?!
Our man Tom Brady is less than one week into his second retirement and he’s already ripped someone to shreds over the phone and sent out sultry pictures of himself on the internet.
What a time to be alive.
Incredible power move here from the greatest to ever do it.
No shot this is Brady’s first time doing this, too. Look at that hand placement. ELITE.
Gisele may be riding horseback in Costa Rica with her heartthrob ju-jitsu trainer, but it’s all falling on deaf ears.
Tom Brady’s moved on, and he’s ready to move his hand and let the world in.
Sneaky Stefon Diggs loves a good view
Speaking of good looking naked people …
How about Bills WR Stefon Diggs having himself a damn weekend at the NFL’s Pro Bowl Games?!
OutKick writer Mark Harris broke it down like the Zapruder film earlier today, but, you know what they say?
When an NFL player sneakily tries to look at a bunch of cheerleaders’ asses and gets caught, you have to write about it twice!
Admittedly, I didn’t watch any of the Pro Bowl Games over the weekend – and neither did anyone else, apparently – but I also didn’t know we’d get this sort of content.
Maybe lead with that next time, NFL. Just a thought.
Down goes the China balloon!
While the NFL’s Pro Bowl ratings were sinking, so was China’s top-secret spy balloon. What a day we had Sunday!
In case you missed it, the US of A finally shot down the Cheyna balloon near Myrtle Beach over the weekend – after it safely traveled over the entire country first, of course – and the whole ordeal had the nation on the edge of our seats.
In great American fashion, OutKick chronicled the day here, so I’d suggest giving that a once-over when you’re on the toilet in a bit and have already wrapped up this column.
In the meantime, here are some other top-notch reactions from all across the land, starting with my favorite one.
God bless Texas! Smart veering north of Florida, too.
Terry Bradshaw still has it all these years later
Back to the topic of low ratings … anyone see Terry Bradshaw on Chris Wallace’s CNN show over the weekend?
No? Me neither. Don’t blame you, frankly.
That being said, Chris did manage to get Terry to sing alongside his younger, 1970s self and I’ll be honest with ya …
Terry kind of rocked it! Plus, you get an RFD reference and callback, which we could all use a little more of nowadays.
The Cavinder Twins enjoy NHL All-Star weekend
Nothing like transitioning from Terry Bradshaw and Chris Wallace to the Cavinder Twins – AKA the richest thing going in women’s college basketball.
The dynamic duo, which boasts millions of followers on Instagram and TikTok and are currently racking up the NIL dollars down in Miami, took in their first NHL All-Star game on Saturday.
Side note: which All-Star game/week is the best? The NBA dunk contest used to be great before it went to hell along with everything else in that league. The home run derby has gotten better in recent years, as have the NHL festivities. The Pro Bowl deserves to be shut down for good.
For me, it’s still the derby. Do yourself a favor and look up the late-1990s and early-2000s derbies, too. Thank me later.
Anyway, back to Hanna and Haley, who were both valued at nearly $1 million before the season started thanks to their elite social media presence. The two entrepreneurs shockingly stole the show Saturday at the NHL All-Star game.
Also, I ain’t gonna touch the last Instagram caption, either. We have class here at Nightcaps.
Jimmy Butler doesn’t seem too bummed about All-Star snub
From one All-Star game to the next, and from one professional Florida sports team to another!
Miami Heat star Jimmy Butler did NOT make this year’s NBA All-Star game, which caught a few people around the league off guard.
Not Jimmy, though. In fact, the 33-year-old is BEGGING everyone to pipe down about the snub and leave him the hell alone!
PS: Can’t imagine why Jimmy would rather take a vacation during the season instead of spending the week hanging with a bunch of guys he sees all the time.
In unrelated news, here’s his alleged Polish model GF, Kaitlin Nowak. There are some rumors out there that the two split up, but I choose not to believe them.
What a weekend of weather!
Couple more items to throw your way before you fire up the grill and get ready for dinner.
(PS: pork tenderloin from Publix, in the oven for 32 minutes at 375. Let it rest for 5 minutes and then slice. You are welcome!)
For starters, I didn’t know it could get this cold anywhere in the world, much less these United States. Seriously, I thought we moved past this stuff once the Ice Age, you know, ended?
Take this, global warming!
Nope. I’m all set on that. It dipped into the 50s over the weekend here in the Sunshine State, and you better believe our heat was on. I don’t fool with being cold. Anything below 70 is a hard pass from me.
Wanna make fun of me? Fine. Go ahead. I’ll enjoy my year-round sundress and bikini season while you northerners shovel snow in your parkas and ski jackets. Enjoy!
And while we’re on the topic of things I don’t mess with, here’s harrowing footage released from the Coast Guard of someone getting obliterated by a giant wave off the coast of Oregon.
Gym etiquette is important in 2023
Finally, on your way out – and hell, you may even be reading this on your local treadmill – take a looksie at the great lengths some cautious bros are going to nowadays at the gym.
Can’t be too careful in this PC world, you know.
My guy switched gears in a HURRY. He’s trying to get his work in and doesn’t need any spandex distractions. Love the effort, and love the grind.
Summer ain’t too far away, so you gotta put the work in now so you can enjoy the butts later.
Whew. I think that’s everything?
I’m gonna head out to the front porch, crack my third Busch Light of the day and take in another beautiful Florida evening.
By the way, if beer ain’t your thing, I’d suggest a couple shots of whiskey (look up Kentucky Gentleman and thank me later), a splash of Agave and a little Lime seltzer.
Hope everyone comes back tomorrow. Or don’t. I’m not on again until Thursday, so you won’t hurt my feelings.
(But please do, I need this job and Clay will be mad if you don’t).
Feel free to weigh in on Nightcaps by emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org
One CommentLeave a Reply
Solid first edition here Zach. I think Mr. Kinsey will be proud.