Thursday Night Mowing League: Resist The Robot Mowers!

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TNML Commissioner’s Report:

Here’s my full report: It has barely rained in my ‘hood for the last two weeks. The skies have been intimidating from time to time, but it’s been blazing hot, dry, windy and not ideal mowing conditions.

I’m even willing to come clean to you guys and admit my last two mows weren’t on Thursday nights because I’ve been on the road.

You’re damn right I’m not particularly proud of that admission, but it’s summer and it would be incredibly boring to sit around for three months without leaving.

Moving along…I’m 100% triggered by the robot mower marketing wars that are directly targeted at future TNML members.

I am Team Toro, but I cannot throw my support behind kids learning even less about becoming productive citizens. This is a bizzaro world I don’t want to live in. Tell you what, kids, we’ll make it to where you don’t have to do shit in life besides play video games and take a shower like once a week.

My buddy Mark Parker serves as a Stihl rep around here and he’s been singing the praises of the Stihl robot mower for the past 3-4 years and I refuse to hear it. He’s out there targeting Gen Z. suburbanites with these things so they can sit there in the air conditioning making TikToks and Snapchats.

Folks, we’re in a war with technology that we must resist.

I know some of you are on the cusp of breaking down and buying the Roomba mower. I know your house is always swept thanks to the little robot sweeper.

The yard is a different story. We cannot possibly let these robots steal our testosterone. One minute you’re going to be push mowing the yard, the next minute you’ll be watching a robot mow your yard while sucking down that Low T crap that Frank Thomas promotes on Bally Sports.

It’s imperative that we teach our children that robots are not allowed on our turf. It’s the final frontier for most of us. Leave us alone, robots.

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TNML Reports:

• Candler B. in Duluth, GA is back with a report. As usual, he’s always up to something in the mowing world even if the grass isn’t growing down south:

Joe- I know I’ve been out of the game the last couple of weeks, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been out here working. We all know that if we want this league to grow and continue to dominate the national mowing league landscape, we can’t take our foot off the gas when it comes to recruiting. I’m taking you back to the very real (but seemingly fake) Metro Atlanta suburb of Peachtree Corners today and introducing you to our new 5-star, Franklin (or Franko as he’s affectionally called by his father-in-law and close friends). 

Franklin’s been wanting to join the league for a while but has had some trouble with the Toro. The Toro’s back running great, and tonight he got in his first mow and showed off the skills that make him a true 3-tool player. His 6’8” frame handles the mower, the blower, and the edger with ease. He’s also deceptively agile for a big man. There’s really nothing that this new recruit can’t do! And as a bonus, he’s the best high school football coach to play for or work for in the great state of Georgia. You can’t ask for much more than that!

When asked to give his thoughts on joining the league, Franklin said, “It’s really an honor to finally be a part of this great organization. My yard looks great for the weekend, and now my Saturday is free.”

And there you have it folks. We mow on Thursdays! 

• Matt in Nashville writes:

Yet another week of abandoning my duties but repping The League (TM) in a new locale. Fort Myers Beach, FL is a great place to take the family, and I’ve been able to talk grilling, mowing, and many things beyond with a great crowd of guys/gals here this week.

I think I’ve secured a few new members at the very least.  Looking forward to getting back to laying stripes next week, but not in any rush to leave this slice of paradise.

Hope all the league members are out there crushing time with family (especially kiddos) whenever they can. Wouldn’t trade this time for the world.

• Indy Daryl writes:

The hope was to get back to league night but rain had other plans. And I’ll gladly take the down poor of morning rain we had today over a league night mow. Snuck in a late Wednesday afternoon, hot hot hot mow instead. Hope you had a good league night and enjoyed those patio brews!

• Paul T. writes:

Good evening  Joe…a TNML update from central Texas. We are currently in the middle of a good ol’ fashioned heat wave. Have not had any rain since mid May and it wasn’t more than a sprinkle then. It was about 105 in the shade today….perfect temp to lay some stripes.

I would like to thank Fat Ice craft cocktail ice for supplying me with complimentary ice for the hundreds of pounds of ice I have used to keep me from drinking refrigerated beer this summer. Fireman #4 blonde ale, and Husqvarna mowers as well as rain bird sprinklers for keeping my lawn plush and green in this drought. I got my mower set at the highest setting it really makes for a nice soft yard. I would like to thank you and all our TNML crew that I am proud to be a part of.

I really enjoy the comradery we share. The “hard things” so many have accomplished. With their inspiration I too will someday use it to accomplish something I and my family will be proud of. I cant remember the man’s name (from El Paso lives in Utah I think) who is enjoying his first year mowing with us! Loved how he had his shoes a year in advance!…the guy who brews his own beer in Nebraska…man I would love to knock some down with him! I am orginally from upstate New York (Syracuse) and seeing and reading about your trip to northern Michigan sure hits home to me…the lakes and local people with summer weather is what I miss most. Thank you for what you do Joe inspiring each day to make each day count! Take care! Paul

PS my Myer Lemon tree I planted 3/17 (in tribute to my father-in-law who passed that day) is doing great…my talk with my pups worked…they have not touched will send pics when ripe!

• Mark W. writes:

Not mowing this Thursday,  but I am repping the League in Sparta, IL at the Grand American trap shooting championship. 3500 shooters from all over the world competing over the next 10 days 

Thanks for all you do 

Written by Joe Kinsey

Joe Kinsey is the Senior Director of Content of OutKick and the editor of the Morning Screencaps column that examines a variety of stories taking place in real America.

Kinsey is also the founder of OutKick’s Thursday Night Mowing League, America’s largest virtual mowing league.

Kinsey graduated from University of Toledo.

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  1. There should be qualifying permission to purchase TNML swag by selecting NO robot over robot at the checkout. You have sinned man by allowing a robot into your responsibilities. I mean, pay a kid if you even care at all.

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