By Claire Cunningham
I have lived in several different cities, but one thing always stays the same: guys everywhere are absolutely terrible at picking up girls. I could literally write for hours on it, which I probably will at some point, but here are just a few lines that girls hate to hear.
1. Maybe I’ll hit you up this weekend.
Yeah… and maybe I will twiddle my thumbs for 3 days and hope that I hear from you. Listen dudes- grow up. If you want to hang out with a girl- ASK HER ON A DATE. It’s an incredibly simple concept. You don’t have to take her to the symphony or plan some stupid “activity” like a hike at Lake Radnor –SIDE NOTE: Who is the idiot who told guys everywhere that girls prefer to do an activity on a first date? Seriously- where are you? This is the dumbest advice ever. Cannot think of anything I would rather not do than hike around a lake for 2 hours with some dude I don’t know, and I know I am not the only one. I legitimately saw a dating show where the guy took a girl TO A GYM FOR THEIR FIRST DATE. What. The. Hell. Dudes- DO NOT think too much into this planning.
Take me to a bar. Buy me booze. Done.
With that being said- text your shawty and make a plan! I know what you’re thinking… CLAIRE THAT IS SOOOOOO HARD TO DO! Y’all, it really isn’t! You can do it! Do not act like I might get lucky and hear from you. Texting me at 10:30 and asking me what I am doing that night doesn’t count. Hey dickwad I am halfway to blackout by then. Why in the world would I want to stop the fun I am already having with my friends to go on an awkward sober date with you? Point is this- If you want to hang out with a girl then make a SET PLAN.
2. You like football? Like… you actually follow it?
Me- (long blank stare) Yes.
Random guy- Ha… Then tell me what a wishbone offense is.
Ok douche. NO. Seriously? This may come as a shock to you, but I didn’t play football growing up. Sorry but as much as you want to make me feel stupid for rooting for my team and not knowing every formation, I am not supposed to know all that shit. When you were playing football in the backyard with your bros in 7th grade, I was making up rollerblade routines to Will Smith in my garage. I thought every kid’s last name in my 5th grade class was Aiken. Yes, I have heard of a spread offense, but I don’t have a freaking clue what that actually means. The only thing I know about a wildcat offense is that Lil Wayne mentions it in his song “Right Above It.” Do not attempt to make a girl feel dumb because she isn’t the real world equivalent of Icebox on Little Giants.
3. Guy- What’s your team?
Me- Mississippi State
Guy- Haha they suck.
Me- OMG THEY DO!? Please tell me more about the team I’ve been following for 10 years.
Riddle me this: Why would you attempt to pick up a girl by insulting one of the things she is clearly passionate about?
Douche guy- HAHAHAH Starkville? Did you live in a trailer?
Me- (seriously long blank stare this time) HAHAHAHAHA YES I TOTALLY DID! And all those hot girls who are my sorority sisters…. You know- the ones your friends have been trying to take home with them for the past 2 hours, they did too!! LOL! Good one!
Why do y’all think this is a good idea? I am obviously not just talking about my team. Guys do this ALL THE TIME. I get it. We all have rivals, and not everyone likes each other’s teams, but why in god’s name would you start off a convo by immediately making fun of a girl’s alma mater? I had a good friend who went to Ohio State and got this all the time.
Guy- Ugh, Ohio State. What a joke. (For the record, yes they are kinda a joke. But that’s not the point.)
Here’s the deal. No one likes to have his or her team insulted, but it happens. However, it shouldn’t happen when you are actively trying to see a girl naked for the first time. Not rocket science dudes.
This next one applies to anyone who sends a text after 2am that says,
4. What’s up?
What. Do. You. Think. Is. Up. Why are y’all still doing this? WHY. WHY. WHY. What’s the expected response? “HEY! Great to hear from you tonight! I was just hanging out making some pizza rolls and waiting for you to text! I definitely don’t feel like an afterthought even though its 2:46am. Come over!”