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Be on the lookout this weekend for a 10-story, 23-ton Chinese rocket falling from the sky. According to the aerospace industry, a Long March 5B rocket is “tumbling out of control in orbit,” and it’s expected to re-enter Earth this weekend with a very small chance it hits a human. That said, it’s not completely out of the question that the rocket could hit you.
Let’s not get too crazy — your odds of being obliterated this weekend by the rocket sit at 1 in 31 quintillion — and rush out to buy cinder blocks to build bunkers causing the cinder block industry to jack up prices. Lowe’s cinder blocks aren’t saving you from this bad boy. A better way to handle this possible death by 10-story rocket event is to have a patio party. Vodka bomb pops. Fire up the grill. Keep an eye on the sky. Party it up.
Honestly, this might be one of the most incredible ways to go out. You’re with friends crushing vodka bomb pops, listening to Yacht Rock and inhaling ribs when out of nowhere Xi Jinping’s rogue Long March 5B somehow targets your patio party.
Folks, that’s your sign that it was time to exit Earth and head on over to Heaven. And those who are seeking their 15 minutes of Google search fame would go down in history. You’re never exiting Google search after a 10-story, 23-ton rocket takes you out. Street cred for days.
The odds are absolutely insane of this rocket getting anywhere near you.
“For the Long March 5B booster, that could be anywhere between 41.5 degrees north latitude and 41.5 degrees south latitude. That means Chicago, located a fraction of a degree farther north, is safe, but major cities like New York could be hit by debris,” the New York Times reports.
Our latest prediction for CZ-5B rocket body reentry is:
🚀 09 May 2021 03:53 UTC ± 11 hours
Reentry will be along one of the ground tracks shown here. It is still too early to determine a meaningful debris footprint. Follow this page for updates: https://t.co/p2AU9zE3y2 pic.twitter.com/1depRKMk6f
— The Aerospace Corporation (@AerospaceCorp) May 7, 2021
So when will these aerospace nerds know for sure if patio parties will be destroyed? It’s hard to tell since the booster is traveling at 18,000 miles an hour. You’ll probably want to set some alerts so your patio party is getting the latest updates. Make sure the outdoor speakers are connected to your phone and a massive PING(!) goes off to get the attention of party-goers.
“You should not lose an iota of sleep on this, do not worry on a personal level, it is not going hit you. There are many more things that are likely to take you out than this,” Jonathan McDowell of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics told The Independent.
Hey Jonathan, good try, we’re not canceling the patio parties, bud. There’s about to be a bomb pop run at Kroger. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.