Living in Oakland, California is a bit like choosing to live in the outhouse in the Garden of Eden.
All around you is spectacular, beautiful landscape and perfect cities, and you’ve chosen to live amidst the effluvium.
So maybe it’s no surprise that Raider fans are so angry they’re willing to kill visiting fans who make the poor decision to travel to Oakland and watch their team play.
Raider fans are the only people on Earth who could consider it a compliment to call their stadium, “The Black Hole.”
You want to know how dumb Raider fans are? Al Davis was the smartest living Raider fan in the world.
And he was batshit crazy.
Raider fans are like your friends when you were a kid who have good ideas that go off the rails quickly. Like your friend would come to you and say, “Let’s get our bikes and go down this big hill as fast as we can.” Okay, you’re thinking, that’s cool. But then after doing that once he says, “Let’s add a ramp at the end.”
One broken arm later, that experience is over.
Only instead of ending in a broken arm, Raider fan ideas end up with murder one charges.
Raider fan: “Let’s dress up like Darth Vader with spiky shoulder pads for gameday,” — okay that’s doable, a bit creepy, but doable, you’re thinking — “and instead of having a light saber let’s bring our own bowie knifes and stab Bronco fans in the parking lot!”
I mean, every team has dumb fans, but it’s rare you find a drop the mic video of a fan stabbing an opposing team’s fan during a game.
Look at how clinical this Raider fan is with the stabbing.
This is not his first attempted murder with a knife.
Yeah, this video is pretty awful.
The scariest part though?
After Al Davis saw this video he made the stabber GM.
The new GM’s draft training was not complicated. After all, the Raiders eschew fancy draft analysis, preferring to sum up their first round picks every year by asking two simple questions: a. are you really fast? b. are you a felon?
If you can answer yes to both of these questions, congrats, you’re probably going to get drafted by the Raiders.
That’s how your team ends up consistently awful.
For a three year period from 2007 to 2009 the Oakand Raiders started six different men at quarterback. The roster? Josh McCown, Daunte Culpepper, JaMarcus Russell, Andrew Walter, Bruce Gradkowski, and Charlie Frye.
Yes, that really happened.
Raider fans would stab JaMarcus Russell too if he didn’t have so much fat to protect his vital organs.
How bad was that three year series of starting quarterbacks?
Raider fans were ecstatic when Jason Campbell joined the team.
Of course that excitement rapidly faded.
So quickly, in fact, that Raider fans weren’t even capable of going to the bathroom at games without getting in fights with each other:
How dumb and violent are Raider fans?
Visiting NFL teams tell their players not to bring their families to the game.
Really, they do.
So what’s the dumbest stereotypical Oakland Raider fan like in his element:
He’s a drug dealer in jail for the next fifteen years. Not a high end drug dealer with money, but a low-end drug dealer who is currently serving his second stint in prison for getting busted dealing drugs in a neighborhood Wendy’s.
In prison he works out all day because he believes he still has a chance to relive his tenth grade football season’s glory — the final one he played, he was the back-up defensive tackle — before he was kicked out of school for dealing drugs at lunch.
Despite lifting weights every day for a decade, he can’t bench press more than 185 pounds and has no discernible muscle.
He’s twenty-six years old, but appears to be forty-six, with misspelled tattoos on both shoulders — for a time he dated a Korean girl and tried to impress her by getting Chinese symbols on both arms — and a necklace tattoo that used to say, “Le Familia.” (It was supposed to say La Familia, but he misspelled the word, making the Mexican drug cartel, which he’s not a part of, try to kill him the first time he arrived in prison). So now he’s had surgery on the tattoo and all it says now is Fam. (He didn’t have enough money to get every letter lasered off, but no one is trying to kill him on this prison stint).
He tried to give himself the prison nickname, “Hombre Crazy Loco,” but it was longer than his actual name, Josh Smithson. Josh is fluent in neither English nor Spanish, speaking a mixed spanglish dialect that no one, actually speaking English or Spanish, can actually understand. This dialect failure occurs despite the fact that his family has been in America since arriving from Ireland in 1725 and he’s just a plain old white guy from Oakland.
His dad is a hardcore conservative who wants an electric fence on the border. His dad, divorced from his son’s mother since 1989, believes the reason his son is illiterate is because of immigration.
When he went to jail he told his mom, who he still lives with, to take care of all his possessions.
By “all his possessions,” he meant a Tim Brown jersey and shoulder pads with spikes on them.
Truth be told, he kind of likes prison because he hasn’t had an actual friend since 2001 and there are so many other Raider fans in prison he always gets to watch the games on Sunday.
Once he had a dream about kissing Rich Gannon, but he has never told anyone about it.
And, FU!, anyway, that’s totally a normal dream.
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