The Ten Dumbest Fan Bases in America: #3 The Ohio State Buckeyes

PublishedOctober 1, 2013 6:00 AM EDT|UpdatedOctober 1, 2013 6:00 AM EDT

The important thing to know about everyone who lives in the state of Ohio is this -- every single person who lives in the state of Ohio actually wishes they lived somewhere else.

Every. Single. One.

Once you realize this fact the peculiar mindset of Ohio State fans -- boastful self-loathing -- makes complete and total sense.

This self-loathing is so pronounced and unacknowledged that it leads to a perverse boastful pride in the state institution that most Ohioans are not smart enough to actually get into -- The Ohio State University.

You know a state and a university feel left behind by the rest of the country when the most common word in the English language in front of your school's name is a BIG DEAL -- it's THE Ohio State University, whose fans lead the nation in THE herpes and THE failed GED tests.

The other important thing to know about the state of Ohio is that every successful person who is from Ohio has either moved to Chicago or the South.

This secretly infuriates the people who are left behind in Ohio. Especially in a social media age when you can see how much more fun everyone else is having and you're left paying $200 for a Craig Krenzel autograph at a Sandusky Econo Lodge.

Ohio State is the most-SEC like fan base in the country that's not actually in the SEC.

Which is a bit like living on Rodeo Drive, but sleeping on the manhole covers to stay warm while you look at all the nice things inside the stores.

Basically, Ohio State is like a homeless SEC team.

Its fans are uneducated, uncouth, often lacking in basic grammatical comprehension or the most rudimentary logical reasoning. Plus, they don't even get to play real games that matter. While LSU and Georgia are knocking heads and Alabama and Texas A&M are playing classics for the ages, Ohio State is going to Purdue.

Purdue is like Ohio State except its fans know a hypotenuse is not a wrestling move. Also that satire is not a car part.

You know what passes for high fashion in Ohio?

The goatee.

Ohio State fans are holding on to the goatee like it will forever be 1994.

In addition to the boastful self-loathing, Ohio State fans have zero self-awareness. Ohio State fans lead the nation in emailed Onion articles with the heading, "Look at this bullsh--!"

Everything that is said about the Ohio State fan base is "NOT TRUE" and written by "HATERS," -- which they helpfully spell H8ERS -- who are JEALOUS of the state of Ohio's continued crawl towards 21st century obsolescence.

Most SEC fans will readily acknowledge that vast numbers of their fan base fulfills every stereotype that could ever be levied against them, but Ohio State fans somehow feel superior. It's a big deal to them that they live in the North. They like to look down on the South, despite the fact that Ohio State has never beaten an SEC team in a bowl game.

That's 0-9 all time.

(Stop with the emails, you had to vacate the Sugar Bowl "win" over Arkansas.)

If you polled every Big Ten fan and asked, "Which fan base is the dumbest in your conference?" Ohio State would receive 100% of the vote.

The final kick in the teeth to Ohio State fans?

They already know living in the South is better than living in Ohio -- hello, they see your Facebook updates in the December sunshine, asshole -- but they keep thinking to themselves, as they curl up in their Eddie George jerseys late at night, "They're better than us in football too? What reason do we have left to live for? We don't even have jobs here."

What's the dumbest stereotypical Ohio State fan like in his element?

He lives in suburban Cleveland and is currently unemployed from his tupperware molding plant, which means he lives with his mom and dad in their living space above the garage.

He is 42 years old and his room's only furniture is a weight bench from high school. Ask him why he spends so much time sitting at the Friday's bar all alone and he will tell you that he has "mad bitches," on his cellphone who are all "smoking hot," but that tonight they are all busy.

If you ask to see the names of said women in his cell phone, he will laugh and say, "Sorry, bro, do your own work on the bitches."

He actually has four real women's phone numbers in his phone, yo.

His mom, his two sisters, and the Walgreen's pharmacist who prescribes his monthly genital wart creme.

Late at night, after logging onto Ohio State message boards to burnish his anonymous Internet cred -- he has now posted 43,479 times on Bucknuts under the screen name JonCooperblowz96, of which 42,136 refer to other posters as "loosers" -- he pumps iron.

By "pumps iron," we mean morosely and tepidly curls 10 pound bar bells while watching reruns of "Who's the Boss?"

He did not travel to the 2002 BCS title game, but he claims that he did and he will FIGHT YOU if you point out that he actually spent the 2002 title game at the very same Friday's bar in a Maurice Clarett jersey while exclaiming again and again, "CRAIG KRENZEL IS THIS GENERATION"S JOE MONTANA. BET ME. JUST BET ME."

The Friday's bartender that 2002 night, an obese 46 year old Filipino named Gloria who he lost his virginity to at age 31 while tearfully thrusting beside the parking lot dumpster, did bet him $100.

But she never collected on her bet because she gave him genital warts and then moved to Memphis.

"I'll be dammed if Im gonna pay off a bitch who gave me genital wart's," he typed on Bucknuts as post number 18,621 in the summer of 2003.

For two years he defended Jim Tressel and argued that the NCAA was out to get Ohio State because of jealousy. Then when Tressel was fired he burned all his scarlet sweater vests in the back yard and told neighborhood kids who walked by that, "HE WAS NOT CRYING IT'S JUST THE FUMES FROM THE BURNING POLYESTER, DAMMIT!"

For the six years Urban Meyer was at Florida he constantly derided him on the message board as a "CHEATING LIER."

Now Meyer is a saint and the "MEDIA IS OUT TO GET HIM BECAUSE THEIR SCARED!"

His two sisters and two brothers have moved to Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, and Florida and he is "SICK AND TIRED OF HERING ABOUT HOW AWSOME THE GD SOUTH IS."

How do we know this?

Because his facebook header is "F--- the SEC!!!"

Four years ago he took a vacation to Columbus, Ohio with the sole intent of meeting Kirk Herbstreit and asking him why he's so BIASED AGAINST THE BUCKEYES ON ESPN. He parked on the street corner and sat in his 1976 cream colored Monte Carlo for 28 straight hours until Herbstreit walked outside to get his mail. At this point, he leapt from his car screaming O-H-I-

And Herbstreit said, "I'm calling the police."

Then Herbstreit moved to the South too.

He registered for a Twitter account this year and so far he has sent three messages.

They read as follows:

"GAY TRAVIS HA, HA, HA!"

"MARK GAY LOL!!!!!!"

"DO THESE PENIS PILL'S REALY WORK?"

He tells everyone at Friday's he has already bought his plane tickets to the Rose Bowl.

In reality he has not flown in an airplane since 1992, when his parents took him to Disney World.

Very late at night, after he's done pumping iron, he leaves Bucknuts and scrolls through property listings in the South while tearfully masturbating.

Come morning, he clears his cookies and returns to Bucknuts.

Where his signature says it all.