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During a recent conversation regarding the Kentucky football team, a friend and I were discussing the possibility of Mike Leach coaching our beloved Wildcats. My friend suggested UK build a pirate ship in the east end of Commonwealth Stadium to entice Leach, a la the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Unfortunately, you’ll get Superman to invest in kryptonite before you get the University of Kentucky to invest in football. I don’t know if Joker Phillips can be a long term success as a football coach (anywhere) or not, but I wish he was able to compete on the same playing field as his SEC counterparts. If Joker Phillips received any less support, he’d be a braless Jennifer Love Hewitt.
My friend’s idea of a pirate ship in Commonwealth Stadium made me start to consider all of the SEC’s football venues. We all know the SEC provides the best experience to college football fans each week, but what could we add to each stadium that would just be the cherry on top of Saturday’s sundae? Behold, Stewart V. Doom’s proposed SEC stadium additions.
Alabama– Alabama has a football history that is rivaled by few programs. Bama football means the best recruits, the best facilities, the best coaches, and the best fans. Well, most of them are high quality. I’m sorry, Bama fan, but your dumb redneck quotient is pretty significant. I say this as a Kentucky basketball fan, and we can smell our own kind. In an effort to make aspects of your fan base more sensitive in these diverse times, your bronze statues of championship-winning coaches (the Walk of Champions) will be replaced with “I’m Gay, Your Gay, We’re All Gay: A Showcase of History’s Homosexuals.” This will be a small museum tastefully painted in a mild shade of pink outside of your manly football stadium, highlighting the accomplishments of famous gay Americans. Hopefully, the less educated portion of your fan base will learn that “your gay” is not an insult.
Arkansas– I can only presume the fan base of Arkansas has a decent sense of humor. People who will repeatedly yell “Woo Pig Sooie” likely do not take themselves too seriously. Coming soon to D.W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium is a brand new roller coaster: Bobby Petrino’s Wild Ride. This will be a special roller coaster outside of the stadium to celebrate Petrino’s career. If your date for the game happens to be an attractive blonde, she gets to cut line in front of all the other more qualified fans. However, because nothing is free in life, there’s a good chance she’ll also be randomly ejected from the ride before it’s over.
Auburn– A lot of people accuse Auburn of running a dirty program, but I don’t think that’s the case. On the contrary, I believe Auburn is on the cutting edge of recruiting in 21st century college football. Players aren’t paid; they are simply receiving cash advances on future NFL paychecks. To speed up the recruiting process, all concession stands at Jordan-Hare Stadium will be replaced with “Bobby Lowder Cash N’ Dashes.” When recruits come in for Auburn camps, they can simply keep running at the end of their 40-yard dashes to the nearest Bobby Lowder Cash N’ Dash in the stadium. The speed of your 40 time correlates to your cash advance. However, there is a maximum payout of $200,000…
In defense of Auburn, I will say that you can only take so much of Bama fans. I know I would pay a 5-star QB $200,000 right now if it meant shutting up Louisville’s football fan base.
Florida– Some Bama fans may be dumb, but Florida fans sure are obnoxious, aren’t they? I’d be willing to bet 73% of all Gator fans thought “Urban Meyer” was a constellation prior to 2005. It’s just not fair that an arrogant fan base gets tons of in-state talent and one of the most intimidating game day atmospheres on the planet, AKA “The Swamp”. Quite frankly, I’m sick of swamps. Swamp Loggers, Swamp People, The Turtle Man, Swamp Pawn, etc. You like swamps and gators so much? Fine. We’re going to make one of these swamp TV show people fight Bear Grylls to the death in a gator pit each week at the 50-yard line. By November (if we’re all lucky), we’ll have no swamp shows, Florida will be 0-8, and Bear Grylls will have the smoothest new pair of alligator boots anyone has ever seen.
Georgia– Is there a classier fan base than the University of Georgia? I’ve gotten to know several over the years, and I must say I’m impressed. Whereas the Cleveland Browns have the “Dawg Pound,” Georgia will now have a section called “The Canine Habitat.” Fans in collared shirts and khakis will calmly discuss the afternoon’s competition while sipping champagne of a desirable vintage. (Can we all tell that I don’t know a damn thing about champagne?)
Kentucky– UK fans have complained for years that Commonwealth Stadium is in need of massive upgrades. I have just the addition to appease the fan base. Each end zone will now feature a 35-foot tall, solid gold statue of John Calipari. He’ll be holding a basketball in each hand made of the exceedingly rare mandarin garnet found only in the mines of Namibia in Africa; 4,000 karats each. The statue will be mounted on a base made of pure white marble, the most expensive variation of the stone that originates on an island near Croatia. Each statue will also have a fountain filled with the tears of newborn babies and salted with a powder made of unicorn horns and the bones of a saint. The first-born male child of every season ticket holder will be sacrificed every year at Midnight Madness. What’s that, Coach Phillips? A recruiting room? A larger recruiting budget? Whoa, buddy. We ain’t made of money here at UK.
LSU– A night game at LSU is universally recognized as one of the premier sporting experiences of any kind. Take those aforementioned swamp people, apply copious amounts of alcohol, shed clothes and inhibitions, and you have the recipe for a wild night in Baton Rouge, which I believe is French for baton red. Hell, just wipe out an end zone and replace it with a 24/7/365 Mardi Gras party. That’s what an LSU game is anyway. Beware of tigers wearing beads though. You have no idea what they had to do to earn those beads.
Mississippi St.– Your school is in Starkville. You are literally too boring to satire.
Ole Miss– Have you seen the girls of Ole Miss? Have you seen the football team at Ole Miss? We are going to invert the two at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. The field will now be filled with beautiful coeds in sundresses sipping cocktails while we clear a section of the stands and replace them with grass so the football team can play. This may not leave a large enough space to actually play a game. Hmmm. Never mind. We’ll just put a big screen TV and an Xbox 360 in this section of grass. The best NCAA Football 2013 player from the visiting team will take on the best from Ole Miss to determine a winner. Now where did that 5’11” brunette go…
South Carolina– Here is everything you need to know about South Carolina. They proudly sell hats with “Cocks” written across them. Do you folks get it? They’re actually the Gamecocks, but that doesn’t fit on a hat. So we just shorten it to “Cocks”, and we get away with saying a dirty word on our hats! Oh, the hilarity! Yes, South Carolina fans, we get it. You’re all “Cocks.” South Carolina’s game day addition will be a bunch of mirrors in the student section so all of the frat guys in their “Cocks” hats can preen like peacocks.
Tennessee– If the Tennessee Volunteers have taught us one thing, it’s that everyone cheats but Tennessee. To honor this tradition, we will build 2 sculptures, one for each end zone. On one end of the field, there will be a bronze representation of Phillip Fulmer calling the NCAA to report shenanigans occurring at Alabama. This display will be so life-like, you can actually see the arrest records of Fulmer recruits on his desk. The other end zone will feature a shirtless Bruce Pearl tape recording a John Calipari press conference while Scotty Hopson cleans his swimming pool.
Vanderbilt– It looks like James Franklin has made Vandy competitive overnight. Just check out the recruiting rankings if you don’t believe me. Few men sing the praises of Franklin more than OKTC’s proud father, Clay Travis. Vanderbilt University will always celebrate the true love that two individuals feel for one another. That is why university officials are installing the James Franklin-Clay Travis Tunnel of Love, an artificial river that surrounds the stadium. The tunnel will feature soft romantic music playing over Bose speakers and posters of the attractive wives of assistant football coaches. Free boat rides for all loving couples, even if “your gay.”
No, I haven’t forgotten about our new brethren, Missouri and Texas A&M. However, I can’t include them in the family photo yet.
Missouri– Google tells me Missouri has one of the top journalism schools in America. We’ll build a journalism classroom in the end zone. It’s boring, but I’m sure the game will be reported in a very accurate manner with a plethora of ubiquitous words.
Texas A&M– I can’t think of two programs that underachieve more than Clemson and Texas A&M. Why are their histories so mediocre when taken as a whole? You have fan support, in-state talent, and unquestioned commitment to the program from the university. Why don’t these schools have more championships? In sticking with that theme, Texas A&M will install a pizza and beer buffet. However, the beer is room temperature and every pizza has anchovies on it.
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