The Russia-USA Nuclear War Simulation Is Out, But You Shouldn’t Change Your Weekend Plans

Not to freak you out on a Friday before you leave work to go grab tacos when Jen & Katie, but there’s a nuclear war simulation making the rounds that shows how we’re all going to die.

Let’s face it, you could die by choking on a taco, so there’s no reason to go dwelling on Vladimir Putin & Brandon launching nukes and killing 34 million people. That said, you should be aware of what will/would happen when these nutjobs start pushing buttons to end the world as we know it.

Here’s what it would look like if Brandon and Vladimir Putin started firing nukes at each other. / Princeton University / YouTube

According to the Princeton University researchers who released this nuclear war report in 2017, the simulations is based on targets and casualty estimates that conclude 34.1 million people would die within hours while another 55.9 million would be injured. That’s not including the deaths from nuclear fallout.

Dr. Alex Glaser, who put together this end-of-times simulation, told Newsweek in September that this simulation is based on a worst-case nuclear scenario. “”As far as one can tell, this is the most serious crisis with a potential nuclear dimension involving Russia and the United States/NATO since the end of the Cold War, even if the risk of a nuclear war is still considered ‘small’—as many analysts would argue,” Glaser told the news outlet.

Would you die from a nuclear bomb based on where you live? There’s a simulator for that. NUKEMAP is what you’re looking for. It allows users to enter their location and simulate damage from different nukes known to be held by bad guys around the world.

For example, if Washington D.C. is hit with the “Tsar Bomb,” known as the “largest USSR bomb designed,” you’re talking about a 6.1km fireball range and third-degree burns for those living within 73km of where the bomb blast occurs.

If you’re a common man or common woman living in West Virginia, you should be fine (allegedly) unless there’s some wild wind pattern that day.

A death total from nuclear war, based on Brandon vs. Putin is estimated at 91.5 million. / Princeton University / YouTube
Researchers say this would be the destruction map if Washington D.C. was hit with Russia’s largest nuke, the Tsar Bomb. / NUKEMAP

But, as the Princeton researcher explains, life would definitely change. There would be issues with cities being wiped off the face of earth.

“In addition to the immediate death and suffering and economic and societal collapse, in the years following the war, the phenomenon of nuclear winter would exacerbate the catastrophe,” Glaser notes, while adding that there are studies out there stating upwards of five billion people could eventually die if Vladimir and Brandon have a dick-measuring contest.

“I would not want to speculate how long it would take for humanity to recover,” Glaser concludes.

Don’t sweat it. You’d probably die immediately anyway so go out there this weekend and crush margaritas, run up your American Express bill and live a little.

These are just simulations. The nerds could be wrong.

Princeton nuke researchers say nuclear war odds are “low,” but they’re clearly on the table, but you shouldn’t change your dinner plans. Staying home won’t change anything. / Princeton University / YouTube

Written by Joe Kinsey

I'm an Ohio guy, born in Dayton, who roots for Ohio State and can handle you guys destroying the Buckeyes, Urban Meyer and everything associated with Columbus.


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  1. I live smack dab in the middle of the largest concentration refining/petrochemical manaufacturing facilities in the world. There’s also the largest port along the Gulf Coast.

    I’m gone in the first round, hopefully incinerated by the initial fireball.

  2. Great book called “Trinity’s Child” about such an event. (Movie version is, I think, “Dawn’s Early Light”–with Powers Boothe.)

    Only difference is, the President in that story isn’t a senile idiot who stole his election.

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