I’ve been out of town at the Super Bowl all week so I skipped tonight’s Republican debate to watch “Big,” with my 5-year-old. “Big” is a heartwarming kid’s story mixed with a romantic comedy that teaches us an important life lesson: age of consent laws didn’t exist in 1988.
As a result I missed the opening of the Republican debate — good move putting it on the Saturday night the day before the Super Bowl — and this NASCAR-esque car pile-up at the introductions.
Watch this slow-moving disaster first and then I’m going to give you my six favorite things about this opening two minutes.
1. This is the Ben Carson presidential campaign personified in two minutes.
When Carson’s presidential campaign began I didn’t think he was qualified to be president, but I thought I’d be OK with him operating on my brain. Now I wouldn’t even let this dude operate on me either.
Some people want to elect this guy president even though he can’t walk out on the stage when they call his name. What did Carson think was happening here? That they forgot his name? Didn’t he know the order they were announcing the candidates in? Didn’t he see the cameras following him? Why did he stop and let Ted Cruz pass him?
And is Cruz not just telling Carson to walk out with him the most Ted Cruz move possible? (Aside from shivving Carson and then blaming Marco Rubio for doing it).
2. There’s a random guy backstage who leans out and tries to tell Carson to go, but Carson doesn’t listen to him.
Again, when do you ever see a stage manager come from backstage and pull this off. This hasn’t even happened on TV shows I host.
It was majestic, “Saturday Night Live” skit-level awkwardness.
3. Donald Trump just stops and hangs out with Carson.
So now we’ve got a two-car pileup.
Rubio goes high and outside and swings by both of them. But what is Trump thinking standing beside Carson? Am I an idiot for believing that Trump might be brilliant and he’s trying to defray Carson’s embarrassment by taking some of it himself? Undoubtedly with the diabolical plan that this will lead Carson to endorse him. Or is that giving both of these guys too much credit.
4. How about Jeb Bush just going right by with the pat on Trump’s shoulder?
Perfect Jeb Bush moment. Because you actually could see him thinking, “I can’t believe I’m losing to these idiots. Did neither of you pay attention when they told us what order they were calling our names? Hello, they put us in that line order for a reason.”
5. Only four candidates actually make it out on stage by the time they announce all the candidates are present.
And then this ABC broadcaster dude who looks like a made-up TV news anchor — I’m not even sure he’s real — says, “Can Dr. Ben Carson come out onto the stage?”
Then the fake TV guy says: “And lastly, we welcome back to the debate stage, Donald Trump.”
6. Only John Kasich hasn’t been introduced at all yet.
So the other candidates have to remind the hosts to introduce him.
Just a total pile-up.
And one of these guys has a decent chance of being our next president.
We’re all screwed.