I know most of you have been worried about me… It’s probably been keeping you up at nights wondering where I’ve been. Well, there’s no easy way to tell you this so I’m just going to say it…. I tested positive for a writing enhancement drug.
Yep. I peed hot.
As you all have probably noticed, my writing is great, maybe a little bit too great…. And you were right. So after serving my 120 day suspension for writerbolic steroid use, I’m back! And I’ve got some great new stuff from Thailand that OKTC doesn’t even test for yet, so my writing is still going to be extremely awesome!
On to the column.
This is a big weekend for football. It’s Super Bowl Sunday. It’s probably the only weekend all year that you’ll hear a discussion about the benefits of the Giants defensive line getting pressure without blitzing, and how cute Kristen Bell was on the Ellen Show last week in the same room. People who love football, and people who don’t know what color a football is, will have conversations about things like “is Honda really bringing back Ferris Buehler for a commercial? Does drinking Miller Light really cause that kind of a reaction from gorgeous women? Can babies really speak effectively about personal investment banking? For a single weekend, all of these people come together at various living rooms and bars across the country, they drink some beer, eat some food, and these questions can be answered.
There were many compelling stories this season… But only a few remain. Stories like, can Eli Manning keep a stranglehold on the title of “Second Best QB in the Manning household,” and can he overcome his severe handsome deficiency against Tom Brady? Can Tom Brady win another Super Bowl while being the only man to openly admit to wearing UGGS? Do my triceps look ripped in this t-shirt I’m wearing? That’s what the Super Bowl is for, to answer these tough questions once and for all.
Now, the odds are that you couldn’t score a ticket to the Super Bowl in person, and that’s OK. Not everyone in the world can spend $1500 per ticket to watch their favorite team play, this isn’t the SEC Championship after all. It was for this reason that God invented the sports bar. He realized that poor people also enjoy watching sports, so He gave us all a place to go watch the Super Bowl that didn’t involve Clay’s 50 most annoying Super Bowl party guests.
But you have to be careful, my friends. Sports bars aren’t just filled with your drunken buddies who like to high five strangers when someone scores a touchdown. There are some really awful people hanging out there too, people who will do their best to ruin your fun even if they don’t know they’re doing it. Trust me, I’ve spent the majority of my 120 day suspension putting some serious research into this. So as you’re heading out to watch some football this weekend, keep an eye out for these a-holes.
Jersey Guy Wearing a Jersey From a Team Not Playing –
There’s at least one of these guys at every sports bar and I would venture to guess that 98% of them are wearing Packers or Steelers jerseys. They’ll be VERY drunk and VERY pissed that their teams aren’t still playing. On this Sunday, this guy will be wearing his Troy Polamalu jersey telling you how lucky the Broncos were to beat his beloved Steelers… how terrible Tim Tebow is, and how he couldn’t beat the Steelers one out of 10 times if they played again… he’ll tell you how the Steelers are still the best team in the NFL and should be playing in this Super Bowl. When you see this dude, just tell him to go find his own table… Merril Hoge shouldn’t be hanging out at your sports bar anyway.
Bum a Smoke/ Lighter Guy –
You’ll run into dozens of these guys if you’re sitting by the patio. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a smoker, but I will never understand why it’s OK to walk up to a complete stranger and ask if you can have something that belongs to them. You wouldn’t walk up to a stranger and say, “Hey man… can I have that beer?” or “Hey bro… can I bum your shirt from you?”. So why is it cool to do this with cigarettes? When this happens I like to offer a trade. Like maybe feeling one of his girlfriend’s boobs or something like that. Either that guy’s not asking to bum a smoke from you again, or you get to feel some strange boob… either way you win!
One-Up Guy –
Every group of friends has this guy… hell, you might be this guy. You know who he is, he’s the guy who always has a story that’s just a bit better than the one you just told. “You went to Cabo for vacation? That’s pretty cool. I went to Turks and Caicos last summer… soooo much better than Cabo dude, you should go sometime.” “You got a new watch for Christmas? It’s pretty nice. Mine is a Rolex though, so….” or “You got in a fight with two guys last weekend? I got into a fight with a grizzly bear that was holding a hammerhead shark. It was no big deal.” I suggest getting so drunk that this guy doesn’t bother you anymore.
Soft Handshake Guy –
You are the worst, Soft Handshake Guy!! We are at a damn sports bar… surrounded by men and football and that Buck Hunter game! Grab my hand like a man and squeeze that sumbitch until it turns purple!!
St. Paddy’s Day Drunk Guy –
You’ve seen this guy at the end of the bar… he is so wasted that he’s adapted his own language… he gives you unparalleled advice like “YOU CAN’T ALWAYS BE A DUMB—! SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE A SMART S–!!” He mumbles to himself about kicking someones ass… the entire bar staff is trying to figure out how to kick him out so he won’t cause a scene… Don’t get stuck next to this guy. It will be the most miserable four hours of your life.
Listens To Your Story Then Chimes in Guy –
I get it guy. You’re alone at the bar, you’re trying to meet some new people… but here’s the deal. We all actually have friends. Friends that we want to talk to without you blurting out your story about how your cousin played against Eli Manning in High School, or how you had a class with Matt Light in college, or that you really wish that Super Bowls weren’t played in domes… these kind of stories are why nobody wanted to come to the bar with you in the first place. Keep them to yourself!
Irrational Fan Guy –
It doesn’t matter how logically you argue with this guy… he is sticking by his assertion that Tony Romo is just as good as Joe Montana and John Elway. He’ll say insane things like “but he IS a clutch player!” and repeatedly mention him playing that one game with broken ribs. Just give up talking to this guy, you’re at the bar to have fun and he’ll only make you insane with anger.
Guy who wants to Change the Game to Hockey –
Hockey Guy to Bartender – “Hey buddy… can you put the Winnipeg game on one of the big screens for me? Thanks Chief.”
Bartender to Hockey Guy – “Ummm… no I can’t. Because we live in America.”
Inaccurate Stats Guy –
You’ve all met this guy before. He sounds like he understands sports, but then throws out some horribly inaccurate stat. Something like, “I don’t get why Tebow is suddenly so inaccurate in the pros? He completed 87% of his passes in college.” And he says it with such conviction that you actually think it might be true for a few seconds. Then you remember that this guy is a dumbass.
Guy/Girl from Boston –
It always amazes me that you can find someone from Boston at every sports bar in the world. They’re usually wearing a cheap Celtics Brian Scalabrine jersey, yelling about how great their teams are and how bad they’ve had it at the same time, complaining about how bad the beer is at the bar compared to some bar back in Boston… and these people are going to be EVERYWHERE this weekend. It’s almost enough to make you want to stay at home but if you do that you’ll miss all of the crying and screams that it’s “JUST LIKE BUCKNAH AGAIN!!” when they lose. You don’t want to miss out on that, trust me.
The Tebow “Believer” –
I’ve actually had this conversation with drunk Tebow fans outside of Denver several different times, it goes something like this:
(Drunk guy sees my Broncos hat from across the bar and stumbles over)
Drunk Guy – “Hey man… Broncos… TEBOW!!”
Me – “Yep… good game right?”
Drunk Guy – “Are you… (hiccup)… Are you a believer?”
Me – “A believer in what?”
Drunk Guy – “A believer in Tebow dude”
Me – “Well… I’m a Broncos fan so…”
Drunk Guy – “It’s a simple question bro!! Are you a Tebow believer? OR are you a hater?”
Me – “Why do I have to be one or the other? Are you a even Broncos fan?”
Drunk Guy – “Nope. I’m a Tebow fan. That’s right, I drink and smoke drugs but I’m a christian! And I believe in TEBOW!!”
Me – “What does the drugs thing have to do with Tebow?”
Drunk Guy – “Because I’m a believer!! TEBOW!!”
Then this guy has to get a cab home because he has a breathalyzer in his car and is to drunk to get it started.
There are probably more of these types of people out at the Sports Bars this weekend, but these are the most prevalent. So have fun watching the game on Sunday everyone, be safe, and stay away from these dudes at the bar.