The Bachelorette Recap, Week 3: Metaphorz and Meltdownz

First, I do NOT usually replace my “s” with “z,” but it was necessary in this case to pay homage to Boyz II Men, whose careers are apparently so over they had to come teach these jabronis to murder their #1 song. So sorry, Boyz. Secondly, this show is garbage. Thirdly, Andi is seven shades of bat shit crazy. Your drinking phrases for this season are “stooopp” and “this is so real to me.” Right. I’ll have to start a make out count later, but I’m 94.3% sure Andi has surpassed JuanyPobs in make-outs at this point. Bring back the penicillin shots, por favor.

Moving on… some nimrod at ABC decided we needed TWO new episodes, which is FOUR hours of The Bachelorette on back to back nights. I hope this producer was promptly fired.

Sunday Night’s Episode: Dawgz are Grown Ass Men on Top. Probably.

Andi is super pumped because they are leaving L.A. and heading somewhere completely different! It’s so different that Google Maps says you can be there in 1 hour and 35 minutes. They are heading to Santa Barbara! Specifically the Bacara Resort and Spa, which they name drop no less than 7 times.

One-On-Andi Date is with Nick V., who can “feel the cool laid back energy around SB.” Hella tight, brah. Nick V. received the first impression rose, so he has a target on his back. They go for a bike ride to be “normal.” A hike follows the bike ride. This date is super boring, and he gets a rose, even though he tells her that he was also engaged for “a hot minute.” I’m now assuming the only straight contestants on this season were previously engaged.

Group Date: Cody, Andrew, Marquel, Brian, Tasos, Pat, Bradley, Eric, Brett, Ron, Josh, and Marcus. They head out to a house where they are introduced to Andi’s “good friends” Boyz II Men. This was Marquel’s #BonerRiser moment, also Bradley’s who believes Opera and 90’s R&B are a good combo. They are not. The guys are split into 2 groups to sing “I’ll Make Love to You.” There’s the sweater team and then there’s the sport coat and tie group. Who picks these outfits/what is the point of this? They all sound horrific, and it’s a really good thing Marcus and Josh are pretty because they should not attempt to sing…ever.

After making America’s ears bleed, the crew heads to a house to have a cocktail party. Josh M. gets the group rose date, because he is “shy and she makes him nervous” as he’s told us for the second week in a row now. Dawgz on top, baby!

One-On-Andi Date with JJ, the Pantsapreneur. JJ FINALLY breaks out a pair of his company’s pants and twitter reacts by saying they look horrific. So naturally I don’t mind them at all. I do, however, mind this date, because it is terrible. Andi tells JJ they are going to “grow old together,” and then they are transformed by makeup artists into an 80 year old couple. During this time they apparently smoked ALLLLL of the cigarettes and proceed to talk with raspy voices.

After creeping out the young children of Santa Barbara they “become young again.” JJ is very attractive. Let’s just get that out there. They go to dinner where he tells us he was kind of socially awkward as a kid and it’s cute because he doesn’t over share, and he acknowledges that he’s a dork. Hottest non-athlete dork to ever grace Stanford’s campus? Probably. He gets a rose.

Cocktail Party: Andrew is being confronted by JJ, Josh, and Patrick about getting a waitress’s number on night 3. Seriously, they are acting like this is a real life game of Clue, chasing him around the house confronting him. It was Andrew! In the cargo van! At the CPK! With the Thai salad!! Josh M. tells us he is a “grown ass man” and I still cannot. Stop. Laughing. Dawgz on top, again! Mark Richt has officially secured his job through 2016 now. Why they are freaking out about a waitress giving Andrew her number? I’m not sure since the only reason most of them go on this show is so they can pull 19-23 year old ass for as long as they keep making bar appearances after this. Practice makes perfect, you guys!

See Ya, Never: Brett, the hairdresser, who tells us he doesn’t understand because he had an “open heart and open mind.” Hmm, maybe it has something to do with gifting Andi the lamp you swiped from your hotel room on the first night? Bradley, the world’s most awkward opera singer, which is saying a lot. And Ron, who left on his own because a friend passed away. That’s sad, but I honestly didn’t know he was still there.

Monday Night: Metaphorz & Meltdownz

Sorry, just can’t shake the “z” thing. This episode is my favorite so far because Andi’s Juan Pablo DEFAULT argument side finally comes out, and we also get to confirm that these boys are not straight. This cast visits somewhere that is actually different than Los Angeles: Connecticut. The episode starts with 6 of the guys sitting clothed in the bathtub together at their hotel suite. You know how I know you’re all gay?? Moving on….

One-On-Andi Date with Dylan (who is conveniently from Connecticut) and his Night at the Roxbury hair. After Dylan gets the one-on-one date, Andrew predicts it’s 50/50 on whether or not he will get a rose at the end of the date.The social media marketing curriculum was clearly light on math classes. You either get a rose or you do not get a rose. The date card says, ”this relationship might pick up a little steam,” and then we are sent to metaphor hell. They visit an old locomotive. That’s cool I guess, but this date was also a colossal trainwreck so double metaphor! Drink twice!

Dylan has had a tragic past five years. First, his sister overdosed and passed away and then, five months ago, his brother overdosed and passed away. He shares all of this with Andi while they are eating dinner on the train. My heart breaks for him, really. That’s terrible and nobody should have to go through that. Then he pulls the please don’t give me a rose because you feel bad for me move. Like she can send him home after that? Andi gives Dylan the rose, but repeats five times that it is NOT A PITY ROSE, you guys. Right, Andi. Keep telling yourself that. Red flag here though. If my brother passed away 5 months prior I wouldn’t be on this show, nor would I be joining the cast of Bachelor Pad. We all grieve differently…to each their own… all the cliches. But it’s kind of fishy.

Group Date: Chris, Brian, Nick, Tassel, Marquel, Andrew, Pat, Josh, Eric, JJ and Cody. ABC apparently has blown so much of their budget that they have to bring in the WNBA. Until last night I could’ve told you the names of two WNBA teams, but now I can tell you three. Thanks ABC! The boys are split into two teams: the Rosebuds and 5 of Hearts. For some reason the Rosebuds have their team names printed on their jerseys while the other team has to draw theirs on with sharpies. WOOF. Boyz being Boyz, this game gets overly competitive, and Josh M. is super pissed because his team loses. Team Sharpie is sent home from the date in disgrace.

Brian, the basketball coach, takes Andi onto the court to teach her some skillzzz (sorry), and she’s basically throwing herself at him to kiss her. He admits he has no game and doesn’t kiss her. I know Brian isn’t very good at basketball because he’s actually shy. Seriously, the more talented the athlete the less shy he is. Fact. This whole display is uncomfortable. He gets the group date rose though.

One-On-Andi Date with Marcus, who is so attractive that I’m trying to ignore the fact that he’s starting to act like Clare. Sorry Marcus, I realize that’s kind of harsh. They decide to conquer their fear of heights (real original ABC) by repelling down the hotel building. They keep telling each other they are “proud” of one another. Barf. Sorry, but you can’t be proud of someone for overcoming a fear until you’ve known them for oh I don’t know….let’s say two weeks? They repel down in front of the boys’ suite windows and bang on the glass. Marcus asks Andi if he should kiss her in front of everyone. She says no. Burn.

At dinner later, Marcus puts a napkin over the rose because it makes him nervous. A guy needing to cover up a flower because it makes him nervous would make me seriously concerned about his ability to protect me. He’s sweet, but he tells Andi he’s beginning the process of falling in LOVE with her. PUMP. THE BRAKES. I feel like the L word should not be allowed on this show. I would’ve sent him home right then and there. Andi gives him a rose.

Cocktail Party: This is the episode where Eric, the best contestant to ever be on this show, is sent home when Andi brings out all seven shades of her bat shit crazy. Eric pulls her aside to tell her that he feels like she was being fake today and that he just wants her to be the genuine person she was on their first one-on-one date. Trina proceeds to LOSE IT. He tries to calm her down and reminds her that she keeps telling them to be honest, which apparently is not true. They somewhat mutually decide (Eric decides) that it would be best for him to head home. He does and gives an exit interview that should be an example to others.

Andi then yells at the rest of the boys for something they didn’t do. This girl is “the total package” but yet can’t seem to stop while she’s ahead. She is hands down one of the most argumentative and defensive people I’ve ever seen. After yelling at the boys, ABC cuts to Andi and Chris Harrison talking about Eric passing away shortly after he left the show, and how they believed it wasn’t appropriate to show that night’s rose ceremony and they needed to honor Eric in some way. This was clearly a PR tactic to make Andi not look as terrible as she did from her conversation with Eric. ABC doesn’t need America turning on her like they did with JP. They highlight Eric’s time on the show but should’ve focused more on his foundation livelikeeric.com. He was an incredible person, who never would’ve had to be the next Bachelor because every woman in America wanted him.

See Ya Never: After Eric’s tribute, Chris Harrison, the man with the easiest job in America, informs us that Tasos, aka Tassel, was sent home. Hope the wedding planner was around long enough for some discounts.

Next week there is no new episode….YESSSSS. You will be getting your contestant comparisons though, and they are pretty spot on. Per usual I’ll be live tweeting the next new episode @CippyWallace.