The Bachelorette Recap: Kaitlyn Chooses a "Husband"

Why is the finale aired with a "live studio audience?" Does anyone care about the reactions of a hundred 35 year old women who are being told when to clap? Stunned silence my ass, Chris Harrison. The only thing that made this the "most dramatic season in Bachelorette history" is that there's never been a season where so many guys eliminated themselves.

1. We open up with Kaitlyn telling her family and sister with a two-toned mullet that Nick and Shawn hate each other....oh and that she slept with Nick early on. So normal stuff.

2. Nick meets her family wearing more jewelry than I've ever worn and a Canadian tuxedo. He tells her parents he went on Andi's season to travel and for the experience, but he totally came here for Kaitlyn. What an idiot.

4. Despite not being able to correctly spell his name, Shawn plays it smart and blames all of his stage 5 clinger behavior this season on "caring too much." Somehow he wins the battle of the family.

5. All I can picture is Shawn parting and blowing out his hair, and I hate him even more.

6. On Nick and Kaitlyn's final date, he tells her he has a gift in his room, and she has to come in there to get it. Insert every SNL dick in a box joke. Unfortunately, it's just a framed picture of them and a handwritten poem. Original poems are never not awkward.  

7. Here's what Nick said after their date: "I think the calmness that I have is a certainty that I do love Kaitlyn and the confidence that I have is that she loves me." I can't remember a line in Bachelor history that more eloquently preceded getting dumped.

8. Last date with Shawn....where they sit on a bench and she tells him how awkward this is. Call me crazy, but I don't think that's how this is supposed to work? I don't even know what they did on their date. I just know Shawn's clearly winning because his confidence level is high enough to wear a white shirt and slouch with a glass of red wine. Ballsy.

9. Neil Lane gives zero shits. He knocks on Nick's door, who is terrified it's Kaitlyn, because Andi sent him on his merry way at this point during her season. Neil Lane has no clue who he is, and it's so great to watch.

10. I am GIDDY that Kaitlyn doesn't send one of them home before the final rose. We're out of wine... don't care.

11. Kaitlyn lets Nick talk about his feelings for an excruciatingly long time before stopping him when he pulls out a ring box. It would be a lie if I said I did not rewind and watch Nick say, "No? Aight" and slide that box back into his pocket again. OUCH.

12. Then came the line that should be enshrined somewhere, because damn, it had to cut to the core.....

"What I felt for you was greater than a moment."

This is the point that Kaitlyn stops trying to justify her actions. Nick says, "It's not fair for you to tell me what I feel, you feel the same. Because you don't. And if you did, you'd have a ring on your finger right now." Drop Mic. He just won the break up in a LANDSLIDE. She obviously knows she screwed up because after he demolishes her with words, she insists on walking him to the limo.

13. Nick gets in the limo and says, "It's like an f-ing joke. I am the world's biggest joke." Well you did go on the Bachelorette twice, so yes, you are a joke.

14. Kaitlyn picks Shawn, he says some stuff, and they're engaged. Whatever.

15. For some unknown reason, Nick's family agreed to come watch the finale in the audience. You know, the family that couldn't bear to watch him get hurt again.

16. Nick is still arrogantly confident. Dude, you got dumped on national television...TWICE.

17. Shawn and Nick are going to chat now. It's so uncomfortable. "I like your beard," may have been said.

18. When asked about their future together, Shawn and Kaitlyn say the want to wake up in the morning and go to Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. This sounds like a solid life plan. 

I give Kaitlyn and Shawn all of 6 months. No shot these two make it down the aisle. Now that this is over, we can all move on to the important things in life, like football season. You can follow along on twitter @MattieLouOKTC and I'll leave you with this gem.