The Bachelorette Recap, Episodes 1 and 2

First, a reminder that I despise this show except that it is how I got started with Outkick. One thing I hate more than this show? Britt and her fake cry face. The little faith I had in humanity remains after this clown posse used their heads and picked Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette. If the producers find a way to bring Britt back, this will be the last Bachelor recap from me.

NIGHT ONE

There is not one redeeming douche canoe this season. I had to rewatch this episode TWICE because I kept zoning out because it's so terrible and Britt's voice makes my skin crawl. In the words of Todd Fuhrman, "Nobody in their right f-ing mind thinks it's actually a good idea to date Britt. Nobody."

On the other hand, I want to be Kaitlyn's best friend, and she's handling Britt like a pro. She deserves a gold medal. Kaitlyn's being shy and awkward, which I don't understand. Unless her strategy is that Britt won't shut up, and she'll find a way to stick her foot in her mouth. Respect it.

Intros:

Jonathan from Detroit named his son Skye, and we know how I feel about made up names. He's an automotive spokesman, and judging by the state of the American car industry, he sucks at his job.

Joe from Columbia, Kentucky. I can't get passed his hair, but he brought moonshine, which I wish I had to drown out the sound of Britt's voice.

Josh from Chicago is a male stripper who just graduated from law school BUT has more tats than the people of Mullet Toss. He's also already managed to find me on Twitter.

Brady says he's always had "melodies inside of him" and has a sustainable music career. We differ greatly on our definitions of "sustainable."  

Ian is our token washed up athlete. He went to DIVISION ONE Princeton. Yeah, technically Princeton's D-I, and technically Vanderbilt football is in the SEC. Plus he went to an Ivy League school and wound up on the Bachelorette.

Jared has spent the past 26 years of his life in the friend zone while being a restaurant manager. Call it a hunch, but I believe that restaurant is named Chili's and I picture him pimping the hell out of a 2 for $20 deal.

Tony calls himself a healer. He is like Gary Busey high. Please don't send him home. I need him for my sanity. Says he's been training for love his whole life.

Ben H. tells Britt he has a sponsor child. Aren't those the kids on the infomercials that you get like 1 picture of and then that's it? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Clint rocks the big league hair, is not an MLB player.

Ryan B. calls Britt a Disney Princess. I hate this show.

Kupah is an entrepreneur, which is short for "trying to be a reality star." His name sounds like an inappropriate word. I'm just not sure which one yet.

Cory is divorced with a kid who he had with someone other than his ex-wife. Play on playa.

JJ is super attractive and has real potential until he lists his occupation as former investment banker. So he's unemployed. Then he gives Kaitlyn a hockey puck and says, "I want to puck you," which is phenomenal.

Ryan M. is a junkyard specialist who gets hammered, makes a rape joke, and is sent home by Chris Harrison.

Tanner lists Florida-Georgia Line as his favorite band, but then he brings Britt tissues because she was the cryer last season, and she doesn't realize he's literally telling her she's crazy.

Corey is an investment banker from New York, and the only one I would consider bringing home to Dad.

Shawn E. rolls up in a hot tub car. Ok, that's neat. BUT then his occupation is "amateur sex coach." Try harder, geeezuuss.

Chris is a dentist with teeth whiter than a Duggar daughter's purity dress. He's attractive and half a doctor, so he gets a pass.

Night Two: BYE BRITT

I could not have hoped for more out of Britt's reaction to not being named Bachelorette. She is so delusional about herself and how she's perceived.  Just incredible really.

1. Can every episode be only an hour? That was fantastic.

2. Some of the guys told Kaitlyn they chose Britt. LIE bros. Don't tell her this. Your honesty is not going to work out for you.

3. Shawn B. gets the first impression rose, which I don't understand because he has the worst haircut I've ever seen and he doesn't know how to spell his name.

4. Kaitlyn says see ya never to Bradley who brought nothing to the table, Shawn the "amateur sex coach" because what the hell is that, Josh the male stripper who I guess I won't be arguing with on Twitter, and Brady sent himself home to go find Britt. I don't know if I could come up with a more obnoxious couple than Brady and Britt.

5. The preview for this season looked great, and then everyone's favorite slut shamer Nick pops up. This guy is just the worst. Honestly, he is hated on the same level as Goodell. Nick is going to ruin this season. Apparently he and Kaitlyn DO IT, BUT for some unknown reason Kaitlyn feels the need to tell all of the guys that they did? This is nobody's business but yours girl. She then goes on a crazy emotional spiral, and it's going to take everything in my body to not hold this against her.

Follow along on twitter with me @mattielouoktc.