The Bachelorette Recap, Episode Six: Frontrunner? No Whey Jose!

This was the most enjoyable episode so far this season. It could be because I was watching it in my new apartment without my mother and/or former roommates saying, “how do you watch this garbage,” that my best friends were all over here, or it could be that Andi is insane and gave them a lie detector test. Probably the latter. This episode is set in Venice, because it’s an even better place to fall in love than all of the other places they’ve been this season. Just once the Bachelor/Bachelorette should say, “Walking through the overly crowded streets in Bangkok where you can’t even hear yourself think isn’t a great place to fall in love.” I would do it.

Andi is starting to get on my nerves even more, and I believe this is becoming the general consensus. Who she chooses to keep around makes zero sense, she uses stttooooppp it and y’alllll more than Juan Pablo said “esss ohhkay,” and her love for bedazzled dresses is extremely concerning. This week was a fashion train wreck. The only thing keeping me sane through this season is holding out hope that our favorite Iowa farm boy is going to be the next Bachelor, and speaking of, last week there was a casting call in my hometown for next season and on Sunday there is one here in Fort Worth. I think it’s a sign I should go. Just kidding, the world would have to end.

We begin this week’s love quest in the streets of Italy where all of the boys except Chris have some type of V-neck tee on. Andi tells them that the one-on-one date begins now in front of everyone. Cody the meathead whines about how he is the only one who has not had a one-on-one date yet, and then doesn’t get the one-on-one! HAHA… he looks WHEY sad! She picks Nick V. instead, who at first I liked, but ehhh not so much now. Cody continues to whine that he’s like the house dog just following them around and I think he’s giving himself too much credit.

One-on-one date. Nick and Andi walk around the streets of the city and Nick assures us he’s not going to be “salty” this week. I proceed to chug my glass of wine. Andi gives us a play-by-play about not knowing if Nick’s cocky, or why he has enemies, blah blah blah. The next tourist activity is a gondola ride! These two look extra miserable, but of course Andi feels “so much better about things with Nick!” Idiot.

This is easily the longest gondola ride in the history of…ever. Additionally, Andi’s make out count is somehow higher than Juan Pablo’s was. The pair go their separate ways to change for dinner in a castle where they will not actually eat. Most men look somewhat attractive in a tux but Nick somehow looks worse. Andi has on another budget prom dress, and they are inexplicably wearing masquerade masks.

Then Andi drops the line I will use on every date from here on out. (Clay, I really feel like Todd should get some odds together on chances of success.)

Andi: Do you think you’re a frontrunner?

Nick: (squirms) I feel incredibly fortunate, but yes I do feel like a frontrunner.

OUTSTANDING.

I am now willing to go on blind dates and ask, “So do you think you are a frontrunner?” Screw Lebron and the Decision Round 2. This is way better.

**Andi gets another secret admirer letter in what has got to be the best male handwriting I have ever seen. I don’t want to admit it, but these letters are starting to grow on me. Please please teach your children how to write a letter/thank you letter. It’s a lost art.**

Back at the hotel/spa a date card arrives with house dog Cody’s name on it. I’m also reminded that Dylan, accepter of the pity rose, is still on this show. House dog Cody celebrates his one-on-one date victory wearing a wife beater. Heads up brah, you didn’t win anything. This is how Andi’s sending you home. Go take some jagerbombs.

Group Date: Brian, Marcus, Chris, Dylan, JJ, and Josh. The date is set in a dungeon where Andi explains they are going to take a lie detector test, but to make her seem less crazy, she is going to take one too. Right. Josh FLIPS, and it’s warranted. I just wish house dog Cody was on this date to watch him attempt to follow the proctor’s directions. Chris sums this up perfectly as “probably the worst date possible.”

They take the test, and all of the questions are dumb. (Except when Dylan admits to not washing his hands after using the bathroom and Twitter explodes. The guy clearly hasn’t washed his hair in weeks. Did you really think he’s going to take the time to wash his hands?). Afterward, Andi is given the results but rips them up without reading them first. I believe Andi didn’t have another copy of those results like I believe Cam Newton didn’t know his dad was shopping him around.

After the lie detector debacle, they go to dinner where Josh wears a wool scarf. Yes, a scarf. No man should ever wear a scarf unless also wearing a full length camel hair coat in the Northeast. It was so bad that somebody made a @JoshsScarf twitter account…which then followed me. Writing for OKTC comes with some seriously sweet perks. I’m going to give Josh absolute hell about this scarf every time I’m around him from here on out. I’m giddy with excitement.

I-can’t-close-in-big-game-situations Brian steals her away for one-on-one time and has her put her hand on his heart to ask him questions from the lie detector test. He chooses to check her pulse instead of putting his hand on her heart and getting to second base. LIke I said, can’t close.

Marcus admits he thought about leaving and bruises Andi’s ego. For that I thank him. Josh and the scarf get in an argument about how a lie detector test is wrong, and I agree with him but not the scarf. JJ is WASTED. Like Johnny Manziel on a swan wasted. Chris admits to writing the secret admirer letters and now, I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO THE BACHELOR CASTING CALL. Just kidding, but maybe if I have enough mimosas first? Chris is the perfect combination of nice guy, but not too nice. He gets the group date rose AS HE SHOULD.

DRAMA finally! Drunk JJ (Gretchen Weiners) complains he’s tired of congratulating everyone else on getting roses. Chris ends this conversation with “you just sit there and be sour grapes, I don’t give a f**k.” JJ drops it, so does everyone else, ABC even ends the date. Total power move… so hot.

One-On-Andi with Cody. When asked about this date all Andi can say is “he’s got the most amazing eyes.” She’s got nothing. I would feel bad for her, but she’s the one who has kept him around all of this time. She WILLINGLY picked Cody over Patrick AND Andrew. She also wears the worst SKORT I have ever seen, and I wore a plaid one every day in high school.

They visit a museum where people send thousands and thousands of letters every year to Juliet, as in Romeo and Juliet. Is it possible to have negative faith in humanity? ABC somehow manages to convince the people of this establishment to let Andi and Meathead RESPOND back to these letters. I’m really excited about this because I have been wondering if Cody even knows how to read. Now we also get to see if he can write. He writes a letter, and Andi praises him like I do the 7 year olds in my Sunday school class.

Cody wears a V-NECK TSHIRT UNDERNEATH A SEERSCUKER SPORTS COAT to dinner. Meathead managed to put together this monstrosity of an outfit and write a letter while he was getting ready. He pours his heart out to Andi who tearfully stops him and... sends him home. He cries in the car. I’m sure his tears are comprised of egg whites. Instead of sitting in bed eating Ben and Jerry’s, Cody chugs protein shakes made of 2% milk instead of skim.

Cocktail Party: Andi is wearing a black sequined racerback ball gown that looks absurd. Nick grabs her away first and they make out in the hallway. The boys bitch about Nick taking her away when he already has a rose. Welcome to the Big Leagues, fellas. Chris calls Nick out in the nicest call out in Bachelor history. Swoon. JJ is hammered again. I respect it.

See Ya Never: Cody was sent back to the gym, permanently. We also say goodbye to JJ and his pants. JJ wanted to be Jon Snow in the comparisons so I texted him last night and asked how his trip through the Moon Door was. It’s a burden being such a nice person. JJ’s too drunk to care and I choose to believe he asked the driver to take him to Taco Bell.

Next week: Brussels! Josh and Andi argue, Nick sneaks upstairs, Marcus is still too young, and Chris kills it per usual. Oh and Dylan is still here?

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