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Okay, I’ll admit it. I missed this show the past two weeks. This week was all about sending home the two who received pity roses last episode. Which we all knew was going to happen, but at least we got some incredibly brutal and magnificent moments out of it.
Our favorite lollipop kid finally gets a one-on-one date. The date card reads “I gaucho on my mind.” Here’s how I know Alex is already going home: the pun in his date card is about a horrific cropped pants trend. The car ride to their date was magical. JoJo and Alex barely speak, Alex sits in the middle because he hasn’t reached the height limit to sit anywhere else yet, and they make Pringles duck faces where JoJo denies him a kiss.
A Gaucho is a rancher, or cowboy as we call them in Texas. They’re supposed to be strong and sensitive. How perfect for Alex who is now in full gaucho attire. Alex looks shorter than JoJo on his horse, which is just not okay. Then we get to the good part where a gaucho “bonds” with his horse….or comes REAL close to breaking bestiality laws. He’s literally making out with a horse, and JoJo’s all “omg this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I choose to believe she says this because she wants Alex to try it too. And her strategy works. Alex and JoJo try their hand at “cuddling” with the horse with homeboy sitting right behind them. Beyond creepy.
Dinner….oh dinner. Alex tells JoJo he’s falling in love with her, and she starts tearing up. Except these aren’t happy tears. Her response? I’m not that excited about hearing you say you love me. Going to have to send you home. BYE.
Jordan’s up next with a one-on-one date, and he’s worried that he’s going into the second week of his character being questioned. (Here’s a good story for y’all. Last week some drama came out about him having an account on Raya, which is apparently Tinder for celebrities. In order to get a Raya account you have to submit a list of phone numbers you have for other “celebrities” who are on Raya to see if you’re worthy. I submitted a list that included Jordan’s number (for journalism purposes obviously), but I’ve been waitlisted. Have to say… that one hurt my ego.)
So these clowns are making out, smushing grapes with their feet at a winery, and then they DRINK THE JUICE THAT THEY SMUSHED. This is so incredibly foul and disgusting. And then they joke about tasting each other’s feet later. BARF.
Next, JoJo and Jordan get in a hot tub that just magically appears amongst the grapes. In the hot tub, Jordan says he wants her to come home and meet “Mama.” Now I also have character concerns about him. At dinner Jordan explains to JoJo that he and Aaron Rodgers don’t talk and aren’t close. That sound you hear is JoJo’s heart shattering into ALL OF THE PIECES that she’s not getting to meet Aaron and Olivia Munn. I’m sure the lack of relationship between brothers has NOTHING to do with Jordan cheating on his ex-girlfriend who is also Olivia’s best friend, but that’s none of my business. Jordan puts JoJo’s heart back together by saying he loves her.
Group Date with Chase, Robby, and the baby back betch James T. The rain apparently ruined their day so JoJo wants to do slumber party activities with them…. food, games, massage line. Super weird to do with a bunch of guys. James Taylor tells us he’s brought his A-game when it comes to seeing how many fries he can shove in his mouth. That’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Chase is just awkwardly there, Robby knows he’s the frontrunner, and James Taylor has zero confidence. So much so he’s telling JoJo that Robby’s eyes dart to any pretty Argentinean women he sees. Umm yeah James T. Any guy who likes chicks is going to do that. I would be concerned if they didn’t.
James T pours his heart out, Chase does too for as much as he’s able, and then Robby gets the group date rose. James T. just does not understand what went wrong. It’s amazing.
Luke has the last one-on-one date. He shows up in a Canadian tuxedo with half of his shirt buttons unbuttoned. I mean he’s wearing less rhinestones than Florida-Georgia Line so maybe he’s making progress? Yes, he’s a war veteran, but he’s also trying to be a country singer, so I don’t take anything he says seriously, and you shouldn’t either. Luke and JoJo ride horses, shoot skeet, and he’s definitely going to hometown dates.
Plot twist! No cocktail party, because JoJo already knows who she is sending on his way. James Taylor turns as white as a ghost and freaks out about this. He’s right to be nervous, because he doesn’t get a rose. Then he cries ALL of the man tears. He’s sobbing and talking about how every girl says he’s so great, but then they break up with him. Get some confidence for me, fam, and then you’ll get a girlfriend. It’s science.
I am BEYOND giddy that we get to see where these clowns come from next week. Can we all go ahead and admit that if Chase’s family says 50 words each, I’ll consider them “chatty?” It’s going to be phenomenal television and you can follow along @MattieLouOKTC. Also, Clay, Lori, and I will all be together for the finale in a couple of weeks. Get your popcorn ready for that periscope.