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I’m going to blame Game of Thrones ripping out my heart and stomping all over it for why I was super pissed to come home and watch this garbage. This season has become borderline unbearable, and it’s not Kaitlyn. It’s these guys. THEY ARE AWFUL. What happened to the days where they cast guys like the heir to the Firestone fortune? Hell, I’d even take “ultimate soccer dad and king of Plano suburbia” Sean Lowe.
1. We open with Nick sitting on a couch by himself being interrogated by all of the guys about his 16th minute of fame. Here’s an idea. Why don’t you all try to be less douchey than Nick and his wardrobe and this wouldn’t be an issue?
2. “I read in the tabloids that you were hanging out with Andi a couple of weeks ago.” Yeah, she’s post embarrassing break-up, so she will literally hang out with any guy who will speak to her. Nick saw an opportunity, and he took it. Good for him. Gross, I guess I’m now team Nick?
3. Who is Tanner?
4. We say see ya to Ryan, Jonathan, and Corey in only the THIRD rose ceremony of the season and find out this “trip around the world” is sending them to San Antonio. Exotic.
5. Ben H. gets the one-on-one date. He probably sucks the least out of everyone, but I still wouldn’t bring him home to dad. He gets a rose.
6. We here at the Bachelor/Bachelorette don’t like to cast black people, but we dare you to say we aren’t a multi-cultural show: sumo wrestling, rap battles and now a mariachi band on the group date with Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua, and Nick.
Here’s what they should’ve done for this group date: make the guys get hammered on frozen margaritas and spend the following day observing how they handle their hangovers. THAT’S how you know if you can spend the rest of your life with someone.
7. Joshua and Joe are doing their damndest to see who can annoy me more. I can’t tell you exactly why I hate these two, but I do. I think it has something to do with their abundant insecurities. I’m not going to even comment on this whole I trust you so I’ll let you cut my hair charade, because that’s the dumbest thing I’ve seen in awhile. And I’ve been reading about a white NAACP president pretending to be black.
8. Joshua is having an internal struggle due to his “guy intuition” about Nick. Guy intuition is about as real as Khaleesi’s dragons. If this mythical thing existed, you all would know when we were mad, but you don’t… ever. No, “I’m fine,” really. Nick gets the group date rose, and I’m not in the least bit pissed because he nailed this date.
9. Shawn gets the one-on-one date. Here are my issues with him: He doesn’t spell his name correctly, he’s wearing a deep V in his bio, he’s a personal trainer, he has one of the worst haircuts I’ve ever seen, and he restored a farmhouse with his dad because he took Facebook Doppelganger week seriously and pursued the whole Ryan Gosling/Notebook thing. What I’m saying is he may be psychotic. He gets the rose.
10. And lastly, Ian begins his meltdown…
“I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times….”
“I don’t think that Kaitlyn understands the full extent of who I am, and who I am is a catch. Good-looking guy, smart….I think that’s why I would make a great bachelor.”
“I don’t find Kaitlyn interesting. Like, I don’t think that’s something wrong with me; I think that’s something wrong with her. I’m kind of just tired of rejection around every corner of this situation and I want to go home.”
“I don’t think Kaitlyn can handle the truth. She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”
“I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.”
“Kaitlyn just seems like she wants to make out with a bunch of people and have a good time. I’m not here just to have a good time. I have a good time in my own life, and I meet chicks, and I have a lot of sex in my own life.”
“It’s tough for me because I came here expecting to meet the girl that had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules.”
Translation: “You aren’t nearly as emotionally unstable as I had hoped. Hey Nick, can I get Andi’s digits?”
We end this episode with those eloquent words and no rose ceremony.
Follow along on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC.