The Bachelorette Recap, Episode 5

I think it's been well established that I hate this show. What I hate more is starting it 2.5 hours late, in the middle of 3 big sporting events, and typing with this damn Frozen Band-Aid on my finger. A Twitter nightmare if there's ever been one.

1. We open up with what looks like Clint about to get the boot. He needs to get some big league hair tips from Dansby Swanson, the overall #1 pick in the MLB draft. Kid's got a flowing mane, and when's the next time I'll be able to say the #1 pick came from Vandy?

2. Kaitlyn thinks Clint is the biggest douche in Bachelor history. I'm sorry did she miss Juan Pablo's entire season, or better yet, did she forget about NICK telling America he got a one way ticket on the pound town express with Andi?

3. JJ throws Clint under the bus, asking for an apology for I don't even know what. This lover's quarrel ends with "that tie looks really good with that shirt." JJ is crying on the balcony as Clint leaves, whispering to himself to pull it together.  

4. For the love of God, Kaitlyn, you have ONE JOB. Why in the hell are we not immediately opening up with a rose ceremony? You've already screwed this up by doing it at the beginning of each episode, but now you don't feel right having one? GTFO.

5. Geography whiz Chris Harrison says, "We're now leaving on a journey that's going to take us around the world....we're going to NYC." I went to college for this, to listen to not subtle hotel name dropping and hear, "I can totally see myself falling in love in NYC in the 36 hours we'll spend here."

6. 35 minutes into this train wreck we finally have a date card. Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ, and Shawn embark on the whitest date in Bachelor history: to have a rap battle in their khaki pants with Doug E. Fresh. Mr. Fresh's website reads "The World's Greatest Entertainer," which may actually be the world's biggest stretch.

7. And here we have it, what I've been dreading since episode one. The ultimate douche canoe Nick shows up. His bachelor fame money is running out so he's got to make a quick play. Kaitlyn and Nick are "Twitter friends." That explains nothing.

8. Kaitlyn decides to ask the guys what they think about Nick staying. I've never understood this. Does she really think the guys are going to say "Yeah girl, we're totally okay with you bringing someone else into this competition."

9. She tells Nick she wants to sleep on the decision, but not before she makes out with him. Mono by end of season, confirmed. If you think I didn't just fast forward through the guys talking about how their feelings would change if she lets Nick come back, you don't know me.

10. Date Card! Jared, the Chili's manager, gets a one-on-one date, which I can only hope is to finally send one of these losers home. Bet he can whip up a mean plate of boneless buffalo wings, but it doesn't matter because she's too distracted with Nick.

11. Kaitlyn decides she needs to talk to somebody. This somebody is onion Ashley, my barner sorority sister from last season of the Bachelor. Ashley seems normal now, or just on a few less drugs. Ashley advises Kaitlyn that her feelings are "just lust." LADIES, TAKE NOTES. After only 2 months, it's not love.

12. Jared is easily more boring than an engagement ring from his namesake jewelry store, and that's me being nice. How does he manage to make it worse? HE WRITES A POEM. I would rather have 6 friends get engaged and ask me to be in their football season weddings than listen to a poem on this show.

13. Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua, and Ben H. are being tortured with a group date, where they proceed to murder the play version of one of my favorite movies of all time, Aladdin.

14. Nick moves into the house. "He'll be part of the rose ceremony tonight." LIARS. There is no rose ceremony. Apparently he didn't leave his awful plaid shirt collection at home.

15. We get an update on Britt and Brady. Mark that under who gives a shit. Literally, nobody cares. Of course they're still together. He's a struggling musician and she's a waitress; they need this fifteen minutes of fame.

OUTKICK BACHELOR

This week John had an injury and is taking a timeout like Britt. I asked Sikes what are his top no-go's for a girl.  

If she drinks Red's Apple Ale or any other fufu Smirnoff drink.

If she has jacked up teeth, so wear your retainers ladies.

Must have an understanding of sports.

If she can't sit around and drink with the boys than she's gotta go.

Big red flag if she's a double texter.... DUH.

Not so big, but if she wears basketball shorts. Worst look in America.

Seems pretty simple. Good Luck to our favorite Jedi in the draft this week, any team will be lucky to have him. Get those apps in to cippywallace@gmail.com and follow along next week on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC.