The Bachelorette Men Tell All Special: Where They Tell Us Nothing

Is Kaitlyn the victim of a vicious sexist attack? No, she went on the Bachelorette. ABC is acting like she saved the world, and then people called her a whore. That’s absurd. What’s more absurd is that Joe still hasn’t trimmed his hair. Did you know Chris Harrison wrote a book? Let’s dive in….

1. Bachelor in Paradise looks like it might not suck.. I would watch it for y’all, but it’s going to come on every Sunday and Monday and well, football season is approaching and I just don’t have time for that.

2. Tanner wants to play narrator again. If you were barely around on the show, how do you get to do that? He gives a long diatribe to Ian about his poor behavior. He did sneak in a “butthurt” so one clap.

3. Corey with an E jumps in next. I know what you’re thinking… who the hell is that? Ben H. asks him how he could defend Ian when he was only there for like 2 weeks.

4. Ian decides to take his jacket off and get down on his knees to apologize to the guys. It’s so awkward even Chris Harrison asks him what the hell he’s doing. He apologizes to Kaitlyn’s mom, but I want an apology from Ian’s mom for giving birth to this douche canoe.

5. Clint starts off his little speech with, “I just want everyone to know that I am a straight man.” JJ and Clint defending their bromance is just as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Almost as uncomfortable as trying to decipher JJ’s arm tat.

6. Kupah says, “Some people lost their jobs to try and find love.” Let me stop you right there. If you lost your job to go on this show, that’s a YOU problem to the fullest extent. Also, you probably don’t have a job because you’re wearing your tie around your actual neck and not in your shirt collar. Do less.

7. Jared, our favorite Chili’s manager, claims he can’t move on with his life because his relationship with Kaitlyn was so strong. So strong that he’s now on Bachelor in Paradise. It should be noted that the Chili’s account tweeted at me about this. I couldn’t bring myself to reply.

8. Ben Z. is really sweet and still hasn’t cried. Chris Harrison tried so incredibly hard to have a Tom Rinaldi moment and it just didn’t happen. Tom has a gift, Chris. You do not have a voice like butter.

9. Sweet little new Bachelor, Ben H. I didn’t realize Ben H. was my age, and I kind of hate we dropped the ball on my application. Just kidding. He seems like a great guy, but I feel like his season could be a snoozefest.

10. Kaitlyn’s wearing another dress that says, “Dancing with the Stars producers, pick me, choose me, love me!” To that I say, please don’t.

11. Chris Harrison reads mean tweets about Kaitlyn where everyone acts disgusted. This is the same network whose late night show has celebs read mean tweets for laughs. Let’s not act like Kaitlyn’s the first person to ever be cyberbullied.

12. Kaitlyn says it was hardest to let Jared go, which makes me question how I ever wanted to be this chick’s bff.

13. Ben H. needs to know AGAIN why Kaitlyn told Shawn in San Antonio that she thought he was the one. Dude, you’re the next Bachelor. GET OVER IT.

14. Kaitlyn calls out Jonathan for picking Britt to be this season’s Bachelorette, aaaand I’m done here.

Next week is THE FINALE. ABC I dare you to break this into a two night disaster. Y’all can follow along on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC.