We all knew how this was going to go. When given two former competitive athletes who have the same hair and no job, you’re going to pick the one who has the most potential after the show.
The finale is set in Thailand. Let’s just go ahead and get all of the “Phuket” jokes out of the way, which is coincidentally what she should’ve said to this group of guys weeks ago. But here we are, so Phuket.
Jordan is first up to meet JoJo’s family. I know he’s confident because he’s wearing a gray shirt that is light enough to show pit stains, and it’s hot there. The brothers have clearly been told they can’t pull the stuff they did with Ben, and we’re all losers because of it. Jordan brings funny hats for everyone to wear. For some reason, last night I found this charming, but today it’s just awkward. JoJo’s mother grills Jordan while holding his hand, and the conversation has a few too many awkward pauses on Jordan’s end. Then he doesn’t ask her parents for their permission to propose. This is big.
Robby shows up, and not in anything pastel, which means he’s trying to convince JoJo’s dad that he’s into women. He brings JoJo’s mom in with her dad to ask for permission to propose. I really needed JoJo’s brothers to interrogate him, but they did remind her that she isn’t “picking a New Year’s Eve Date.” JoJo’s mother wants Robby to take her princess and make her “the queen of his heart.” Zero pressure, brah.
JoJo asks her family for their final verdict on these clowns, and it’s so incredibly obvious when they all love Robby that she just wants Jordan. She’s livid that Jordan didn’t ask her parents for their blessing to propose, but then gets horribly defensive of him. While I’m sure this is soooo overwhelming, the way JoJo speaks to her mother is slightly concerning.
Date number one with Robby includes lots of sweat and straddling make outs on the beach. He’s waaay more into her than she is him. If JoJo was being honest, here’s where Robby lost her. “I see us, sitting on the couch, with a dog obviously, getting so lost in conversation that we burn dinner.” Then… “When I’m out playing 18 holes with the guys, I’m going to be blowing your phone up.” No, this is creepy and crazy and RUUNNN. Robby has pictures printed, which is cute, until you remember that Ben did it last season. Real original, pal.
On Jordan’s date, his hair isn’t cooperating as well as usual. Somehow this finally humanizes him for me. JoJo is pissed he didn’t ask her dad for her hand in marriage, but she’s pulling the “nope, everything’s fine” routine. Maybe I finally understand why this annoys men. They argue and butt heads through this entire date, so obviously she’s going to pick him. And in an incredible display of skill, Jordan somehow manages to make it JoJo’s fault that he didn’t ask her dad for permission. It’s easily the most impressive comeback of his career.
Now we get to the good stuff. Robby takes a shower and doesn’t get his hair wet. This is both absolutely perfect and disgusting all at the same time. Neil Lane hates his life right now, and I hate how much I like the rings they picked. After picking out rings, Jordan and Robby write JoJo letters, the only difference is that Jordan takes the time to find actual stationary while Robby doesn’t even rip the perforated edges off his sheet of notebook paper.
There’s a new twist this season with the montages. Jordan stares at the engagement ring while a voiceover reads his letter to a sobbing JoJo. She reads Robby’s note the same way, as the unemployed hair twins tighten the ties that go with their matching navy suits.
JoJo doesn’t want Robby to feel an ounce of pain when she dumps him. Homegirl it’s a break up. You aren’t murdering him. Although you might consider telling him how atrocious his pants/socks combo is. Nobody seems to be harping on her telling him, “I wanted it to be you. Everyday I’ve wanted it to be you.” Umm I’m sorry what? Essentially this means “you don’t have a famous relative.” Normally when you break up with someone those aren’t the words you go with. Also, probably shouldn’t have greeted him with “this is a great suit.” ALSO, the sun is not setting so that’s how he should have known he was screwed.
Robby drops an, “I’ve got to go.” Uhh where exactly do you need to be right now? Certainly not a job. Robby, she didn’t pick you because you can’t wear your seatbelt correctly in the car, and you can’t take the perforated edges off your paper. Grow up, Peter Pan.
Now, let’s watch an SEC quarterback win a game, because we don’t see enough of that. Yes, Vanderbilt should absolutely claim this as a title. This engagement speech is good, almost as impressive as his not doing the one thing she wanted him to do and making it somehow her fault. Well done, kid.
After The Final Rose: But Have You Met Aaron Yet?
The only reason I watch this is to see who the next Bachelor/Bachelorette is, but I’ll get to that in a minute. Bachelor in Paradise has to be pimped out a little more, and for some reason Ben and Lauren are there.
Robby’s up first, and in a shocking twist, he’s not wearing a navy suit. His teeth are so white it hurts. JoJo comes out, and he asks her if she ever thinks about what they could have been. Umm no, she does not think about that.
Jordan comes out, Chris Harrison asks about Aaron, and JoJo is pissed. The real winners here are the audience members wearing an Aaron Rodgers’ jersey and a cheese head. Jordan and JoJo both agree that the tabloid talk has been really difficult. Apparently they are moving to Dallas, so let’s go get mambos at Mi Co soon, fam.
That’s another season in the books, kids. It was a pleasure as always. In a moment of weakness, I agreed to watch Bachelor in Paradise so I’ll see you back on twitter @MattieLouOKTC and I’ll write a recap for the Chad Bear’s return. I’m going to refrain from voicing my disdain that we don’t know who the next Bachelor is.