The Bachelorette, Episode Two

Let me start by saying that on this Memorial Day the heroes of this country did not protect our freedom so that we can be tortured with this bullshit. So zero points for you ABC, and may God have mercy on your soul.

The whole intro montage is about how Chad is disrespectful. While he is an uber douche, since when is any aspect of this show respectful? I also need JoJo to stop saying she’s looking for the love that Lauren and Ben have. Ben made JoJo the other woman. And then explained it by saying he loved her but loved someone else more. It’s pathetic.

Group Date! Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Vinny, Ali, Wells, Robby, Chase, James F. A limo pulls up outside and starts to blow up. Here’s my issue. While yes, I’m well aware that this show is fake, not one of them asks if JoJo is okay? Now that is actually disrespectful. If I’m her, I’m sending them ALL packing.

Grant the firefighter is on this firefighting date challenge. If he doesn’t win, he’s immediately fired, right? Wells gets sick during the challenge. I want to judge him so hard for being athletically inept, but I can’t. I can judge him for the beanie he was wearing before they left, and I am. Biggest shock of this? ED specialist, Evan, got through it. Grant wins, because DUH.  

Back at the house, the boys are having a sing-a-long with a guitar. This makes me so incredibly uncomfortable, you do not even know. They’re all working on this song–completely sober–and Chad is making fun of them. I’m on Chad’s side for this one. Judge me.  

Luke is beating himself up about losing a firefighting challenge to an actual firefighter. He is that guy. While I think he’s a good person, I also think he’s trying to start a music career and needs some more face time. So he makes out with JoJo.

Somehow Wells gets the group date rose, which is essentially a participation award.

One-on-One with Derek! The producers probably wouldn’t let JoJo take Jordan on this one. But seriously, who the F is Derek? This date is all about making decisions. Reason number 82 this show is fake. No girl can make this many decisions this quickly. It’s science. Off they go to San Francisco to see the Golden Gate Bridge, while having a thumb war on the plane, and then they make out and stuff.

Derek talks about the struggle to open up and let people in, and there was someone else, and oh boy is this conversation a little too real. Bottom line, boys, you have to let someone in. You can’t do it all by yourself. He gets a rose, and he should. He’s growing on me.

For some reason the sing-a-long is still happening at the house. I do not understand this. Chad is now explaining to Daniel how he tells girls to stay away from the nice guys. This is because when we think a guy is the nice guy, he usually turns out to be an asshole. Basically all guys are assholes and Chad is just open about it.

Group Date! Alex, Jordan, Chad, Christian, Nick, James T. This is why Jordan couldn’t get the one-on-one. Why? Because the group date is on the SportsNation set to try broadcasting, and we all know that’s why Jordan is on this show in the first place. Honestly, not having Michelle Beadle there for this is a crime. The guys have to fake propose to JoJo, and they all say something super sappy, except Chad.

Chad says, “I think you’re amazing, but I barely know you and the idea of getting married to you tomorrow is weird to me.” THE GUY MAY BE A DOUCHE BUT AT LEAST HE GETS IT. He places 2nd in the power rankings, because he was honest. JoJo is starting to wonder if there’s something to worry about with Chad. I don’t know, the overly chiseled bod is a dead giveaway to me. Pick the guy with the dad bod. There’s a pro tip.

Alex is mad he’s even associated with a guy like Chad. Dude, you chose to be a participant on The Bachelorette. What in the world did you expect to be associated with? James Taylor wrote her a poem. I hate poems. They make me squirm. He gets a make out from JoJo, presumably so she doesn’t have to comment on the poem, and then the group date rose. Whatever. Chad has solid commentary on everyone. He’s this season’s Olivia. Can we get these two on Bachelor-in-Paradise?

Cocktail Time! Chad LOVES deli meat. That’s all anyone on Twitter can talk about. I for one, am relieved that somebody actually eats on this show. It’s refreshing, because I like food too. Chad tells JoJo he’s not in a frat which is why he doesn’t play sing-a-longs with the rest of the guys.

Chase creates a mini-date with snow falling to give her a sense of where he’s from. Chad threatens to punch Alex’s teeth out. Threatening a veteran on Memorial Day? No, sir.

Make out count: Grant, Luke, Derek, James Taylor, Chad, Chase, and I honestly probably missed somebody. Hope the Tetanus shots are ready to roll.

See ya, never: James the Super Fan, Brandon the Hipster, and Will the Engineer.

I need this season to pick up steam, and fast, or I might not survive. Live tweeting will be back next week @MattieLouOKTC.

Written by Clay Travis

OutKick founder, host and author. He's presently banned from appearing on both CNN and ESPN because he’s too honest for both.