The Bachelorette, Episode One

Oh baby, we're back! While this is quite easily the worst, most famewhoring, douche canoe contestant class we've ever had, they did not disappoint. Yes, this is going to be the JoJo and Jordan show, but it doesn't even matter because what makes a circus great is all the acts combined. Nobody goes to the circus to see one clown. It takes teamwork, and these guys have it. This is always the longest recap of the season, so buckle into the cube farm and let's go.....

We open up with the classic montage of JoJo getting her heart ripped out....which leads to JoJo wearing a Canadian tuxedo, staring into the great beyond of a hotel sign pondering the meaning of life. IT IS HER TURN TO FIND LOVE, DAMMIT. She is starting an entire new book on her journey to find it. If you're playing the drinking game, you're already buzzed with key words. Honestly, JoJo is not great at pretending that she got a taste of the C-List former contestant life and now she's ready to lock it up.

** Trigger WARNING** ABC being the Disney-owned company that it is, you better believe all PC Bro checklists are going to be completed. War heroes, public service workers, hipsters, probably not into chicks, ethnic, mixed ethnicities, etc. Nothing wrong with this, but it is clear there is an agenda. After all, this is America, and what kind of country would we be if we denied anyone the right to make a complete ass of themselves on TV while the country rallies together to berate them? What a time to be alive! Next week, Chris Harrison will show us their safe space in the Bachelor mansion.

Sappy montages....The fireman wants her to light his fire, former QB wants to be her first overall pick for love, and the Erectile Dysfunction specialist has a mojo for JoJo. Excuse me while I throw up cheese ball in my mouth.

Intros:

Jordan: It took all of 8.7 seconds for us to be told his older bro is Aaron Rodgers, and the struggle of that has been real. Love ya J, but cry me a river, build a bridge, and GTFO. He's first out of the limo, number one in JoJo's heart, and last in the SEC statistically. Can't win 'em all.

Derek: "I can see that you're really grounded and have a good sense of self..." he tells the girl he has never interacted with before in his life.

James F: Hey Peter Pan, this isn't prom. Nobody wears black dress shirts. Grow up.

Robby: Jury's still out on this guy. "Former Competitive Swimmer" is not really the job title I'm looking to bring home to Dad, but he saves himself by bringing wine and drinking from the bottle. Regardless, has the "not self-aware bro" title locked up.

Alex: Napoleon Syndrome....BOOK IT.

Chad: Not just a real estate agent, but a luxury real estate agent. Did you know that Chad translates to "$30k millionaire?"

Daniel: Occupation is Canadian, wearing a black dress shirt. I could not hate him more if I tried.

Ari: Has eyebrows bigger than my fingers. He has about as much of a chance as Kentucky does at winning the SEC in CFB. He's a bartender, because of course he is.

James Taylor: I want to hate him so so much, but I can't because he has the voice of an angel. Kind of has a Will Ferrell look, so yeah, going to sing on his helicopter date. Because it's THE CATALINA WINE MIXER, AND WE DON'T PLAY IT SAFE FOR THE F-ING CATALINA WINE MIXER.

Jonathan: Half Chinese and Half Scottish. ABC is not playing around with the diversity this season. He's kilt boy, and that's all he'll ever be.

**Inside the House update: Daniel, who lists his occupation as Canadian, telling us that Kilt Boy shouldn't try so hard. Noted. Foreshadowing has been set. Robby says you shouldn't have to bring any gimmicks, has apparently already forgotten about the wine bottle he just gave her. This is not a MENSA convention. Jordan is getting more help from these guys than a 5 Star commit gets from the bag man.**

Saint Nick: I'm going to just skip over how creepy dressing up as Santa is and point out that he rhymed her name with the word "HO."

Chase: What if I told you that doing a painfully awful mustache joke would still have you in the top 5?

Sal: Brings JoJo blue stress balls. Use your brains and connect those dots.

Coley: Wants to be Jordan Belfort, is actually the opposite.

Brandon: Occupation is "Hipster," which translates to unemployed.

James S: Occupation - Bachelor Superfan. Just a hunch, but I don't think he likes women.

Nick S: Does a split. Any man who does a split should be immediately eliminated.

Vinny: Is everything that you think of when you think of the state of Florida.

Evan: "It's a hard business, it's draining, I have to pump my guys up, and they just feel like they've got that pep in their step afterwards." The former pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction connoisseur just set a record for sexual innuendos, and I'm 97% positive he doesn't even know it. Nothing says former creepy youth pastor than calling a girl you're trying to date "girlie."

Wells: GAME. SET. MATCH. Brings All-4-One to sing "I Swear." POWER MOVES ONLY. I like him like Joey Freshwater loves college girls.  

Christian: He is basically JJ Watt, which makes him insufferable. He's going to tell us 437 times that he is bi-racial. Not sure why he believes we are unaware of this. BEING BI-RACIAL IS NOT A HARDSHIP.

Luke: Token musician trying to take his singing career from Mom and Great Aunt Kitty being the only ones liking his facebook page. He went to West Point. So if the singing thing doesn't work out, he'll be just fine, which is why I'm going to give him a pass for now.

If a guy isn't mentioned here, they're erroneous on all accounts.  

Let the pissing contest commence! The 5'2 guy steals JoJo first. DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. He then proceeds to do pushups. DRINK. She's now worried that she's not feeling any instant attractions. It's confirmed that JoJo is a bad liar, because Jordan, who is thunder funking these guys so hard right now it's silly. And then, color me shocked, the Vandy QB hesitates on pulling the trigger to kiss her. Total Vandy move. He redeems himself, with that one token win a season, and kisses her.

Evan wants the first impression rose, yet has not spoken a word to JoJo. Here's the best way to describe Evan:

"While his job is still sexual and violent, he has learned to brush his hair. He is quite accomplished, he even discovered that he identifies more with the name Evan than Todd. He wants to keep every rose and preserve it, because they were gifts. So sweet."

Evan also thinks people are drinking too much out of desperation. He should be drinking more, because the Canadian wants to play tummy sticks.

I get a small glimmer of hope with Wells who still has All-4-One singing in the background during this one-on-one time, because he knows exactly what he's doing. All good things must come to an end though, and it's only fitting that $30k millionaire Chad steps in to let JoJo know he decided to do the show because he's in a good place financially. I hate him.

The Canadian, has to explain his "damn Daniel" joke from hours ago and then proceeds to name every drink he's had so far. What's worse than drink counting guy? Guy who always has his shirt off.

JoJo is angry that they're all wasted. Pump the breaks home girl, let's get off our high and mighty horse and remember how drunk you were night one. This is a safe space and a judgment free zone. She handles her anger by going to find Jordan to give him the first impression rose. SEC-SEC-SEC. Luke is so steamed he spent the band's gas money on boots for JoJo.

The Jordan hate train is now departing the station. "I mean Olivia got the first impression rose last season, and she got left on an island." While accurate, Olivia is not Aaron Rodger's sibling. Let's keep some perspective.

Then who walks through the door to delay the rose ceremony? The conductor of the hate train and one of the biggest douchebags in Dallas....Jake Pavelka. Apparently they are family friends and he jokes with her that he's here to find love. Tell me you don't think he wasn't testing the water there, and I'll tell you that you're a liar. He's just here to give some scorching hot takes, which are worthless.

See ya, Never: Jake, Jonathan, Sal, Peter, Coley, and Nick S.

Normally this is where I'd say bye, but I'm going to leave you with what Jordan's and Grant's exes spilled all over social media last night. You're welcome. Live tweeting will be back next week, @MattieLouOKTC.