The Bachelorette, Episode Nine

For the past MONTH, they’ve been teasing us with Kaitlyn telling Shawn that she went to pound town with Nick. During those thirty days and thirty nights I still haven’t figured out why she would tell him this. Some of you pointed out that he will find out once the show airs. And? Should she make him a list of everyone she made out with too? Also, why is our “trip around the world” STILL taking place in Ireland? Whatever, let’s dive in.

1. Kaitlyn kicks off this episode by saying these boys need to see that she’s not always bubbly and fun. We’ve watched you cry and whine about made up scenarios for the past MONTH, Kaitlyn. They know.  

2. Ben H. doesn’t have a backstory for their one-on-one date. No dead relatives, children out of wedlock, or called off engagements to get ahead? This is new. Ben resorts to his biggest fear, which is that he isn’t lovable. That’s deep.

3. I’m starting to believe that they’re visiting the same castles in Ireland and just filming from different angles. ABC’s budget at this point must be non-existent.

4. Kaitlyn tells Ben H. he seems like husband material, which is what we tell our friends right before justifying all the reasons a guy will never be our husband.

5. Ben H. tells Kaitlyn that if he makes it to the fantasy suite dates he can’t wait to talk to her all night. Most girls would think this means he wants to get to know her, BUT this is the Bachelorette, so Kaitlyn wonders if he’s a virgin. She asks him; he’s not.

6. Joe, Shawn, and Nick are going on a three-on-one date. Shawn asks Kaitlyn for one-on-one time first. I’m so annoyed by his insecurities I don’t even find him attractive.

7. Kaitlyn tells Nick she doesn’t regret that they had sex,  just that they didn’t wait longer. Really? Because we’ve been watching you regret going that far for the last month.

8. Joe and Kaitlyn make out, and I’m concerned that his pointy hair is going to poke her eye out. He tells her he’s falling in love with her. Kaitlyn sends Joe home right after he says this. He responds with, “No, it’s cool, no worries, it’s been fun.” Love hurts. 

9. Kaitlyn tells Shawn she had sex with Nick, and he handles it surprisingly well. His response is, “I can’t figure out why you’re telling me this?” He continues, “What did you think I was going to do, storm out of here? No, I can’t, because I want you.” You’re right, Shawn. You can’t storm out and you can’t technically be mad, because SHE’S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

I’ve been patiently waiting for a massive blow-up, and instead get a mature and anticlimactic conversation between two adults. Disappointing.

10. Jared can’t wait to see Kaitlyn tonight as he heads to the rose ceremony, which almost makes me feel bad for him. She sends him home but not before trying to give Shawn the first rose when he says, “they need to talk.” Oh that’s rich. Who does this guy think he is?

11. Nick gets the first fantasy suite date. Question, since they’ve done this before, are we still calling it a fantasy? Right before calling it a night with the cameras, Nick brings up Shawn and how he bragged about being eskimo bros with some country singer. [Editor’s note: This is the lamest brag. I wish women would stop rewarding guys like Shawn by having sex with them.]

12. Sidenote, nobody in the history of this show has pulled off a hoodie better than Ben H.

13. Shawn calls the front desk to ask for Nick’s room number, which they apparently give him. Shawn then accuses Nick of being here for the wrong reasons. (Can I expense wine at this point?)

14. Brady and Britt update: they’re going to try long distance. Will Britt shower before they see each other again? 

Because I love you people, you can follow along on Twitter @MattieLouOKTC