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The episode opens with JoJo sobbing and doing squats in a dress that, while it looks fantastic, could pop at any second. I predicted we’re about to watch Chase get the boot, but I failed you, and I am sorry. (See Ted Cruz, that’s how that works. It’s cathartic). Luke pulls her aside in a last second effort to tell her that he does, in fact, love her. Does she send him home then, since she already admitted she needed to? OH NO, because that would be the kind thing to do. Instead, she lets him sachet his creepy eyes back in there to get sent home in front of everyone.
Luke cries, and I’m wondering why his spray tan isn’t washing off. He is in SHOCK. They keep saying to each other, “This isn’t supposed to be happening,” but like, it is, it is in fact happening. Not only is it happening, but you made it happen, JoJo. YOU DID THIS TO HIM. Then Luke says one of the strongest lines I’ve heard in awhile, “I loved her, but I never got the chance to be in love with her. It was too little too late.” Leave it to the wannabe country singer to sneak in lyrics to a JoJo cult classic. Well played. Luke will be your next Bachelor, you just watch.
Let’s now travel to the land of Happy Endings for Fantasy Suites! Thank you for this, Chris Harrison. I’ve decided that, given a preference as a contestant, you want to be the second fantasy suite date. You don’t want to be first because everyone is going to be nervous. Okay fine, if you’re a germ freak you want to be first, but JoJo’s been sucking face with twenty guys all season so that’s out the door. On the second fantasy suite date, she’s calmed down and more relaxed. But third and you’re SOL–better bring some absolute magic because Trina is going to be exhausted. I also suspect this order directly correlates to her feelings for each guy.
Former competitive swimmer Robby is up first. They get massages and I’m convinced Robby is sad it won’t end with a happy ending. Also, Robby is wearing a wife beater under his white shirt in the pouring rain. First JoJo tells Robby she doesn’t really trust him, but then switches to “I feel so much safer, and like comfortable, and that’s like why we’re here, ya know?” No, I do not know. You’re here because ABC paid you. Robby is here because he doesn’t have a job. Robby NEEDS for JoJo to know that he is absolutely not like the guys in her past….Translation: HE IS EXACTLY LIKE THE GUYS FROM HER PAST. JoJo eats this up, and gives him the fantasy suite card.
“I don’t get to dream about JoJo tonight, I get to dream with JoJo tonight,” says Robby. You just can’t make this stuff up. Robby then absolutely gets up before JoJo to fix his hair. Can we just take a second to imagine how greasy and hard it is? I bet his hair is so sharp it could cut you.
Oh hello, Jordan. Still not speaking to Aaron yet? That’s a bummer, let’s walk around some caves while I plot how to get you two to kiss and make up. This date is so slow and miserable and they don’t really talk, they just make out and JoJo complains about how far they are hiking.
Dinner gets a little sticky, because Jordan doesn’t know what he wants the next year of his life to look like. LIES, he wants it to look like him on TV talking about ALL of the #sports. To reassure her, he says, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” And then JoJo’s like, “Ehh, that’s what Ben said.” WOOF. Jordan failed to convert and the clock ran out, which is probably why his occupation has the word “former” in it. BUT he’s still the quarterback, so DUH he gets a key to the fantasy suite. Jordan’s final thoughts? “We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction.” Must have been one hell of a conversation, pal.
Chase is just a dead man walking at this point. Like there’s no point in him showing up. What is the highlight of Chase’s date tour around the dead fish markets? When he and JoJo take a break to get ready for dinner and Robby shows up to make out with JoJo before she leaves. Making out with one guy while you’re in the middle of a date with another is not an ideal look. This is where Robby tells her he wants “country clubs and coloring books.” I imagine this is the title of a failed collection of Martha Stewart Living at K-Mart.
Now back to poor Chase. He talks about how much he’s opened up, and his family loves her, and she’s just put him in such a good place. They go to the Fantasy Suite. (Yes, she gives him the date card.) Chase says he’s falling in love with her, and she excuses herself to sit outside and ponder the meaning of life. When she returns, she essentially tells him that it would be unfair to let him stay the night and sends him home. Chase says, “You’ve 100% made me regret saying that. So now I love you means get the F out?” Oh that hurt my heart. He walks out, grabs a beer, gets in the creepy van to leave and says, “Oh is this my fantasy suite?” Making this one of my favorite exits of all time. JoJo’s sobbing, but like whatever, that’s all she ever does anymore.
Time for the unemployed hair twins to receive their roses. I mean I’m looking at these two and there’s the former competitive swimmer who has a recent ex-girlfriend who may in fact be JoJo’s twin, or there’s the former NFL quarterback who doesn’t talk to his super famous brother. It is literally the Showcase Showdown from hell. Chase shows up….to apologize!? WHY? Don’t apologize. She just roasted you like a pig at a fraternity day party on national TV. You own that exit and kick off your bar circuit tour playing the victim card. JoJo cries, shocker, and then passes out roses.
Tonight, THE CHAD BEAR returns and I don’t remember the last time I was this excited. He’s wearing a black dress shirt, which none of you should own, so you know it’s going to be phenomenal television. You can follow along @MattieLouOKTC as we watch the magic unfold.