Every week I think these episodes can’t drag on anymore, but then they do. The worst part is that I’m not even entirely sure what I just watched. Was there even a date? Shawn is horribly insecure and has discussed his status with Kaitlyn at least four times. Your “status” is that you are currently in a competition with FIVE OTHER GUYS to date this chick. Let’s get to it…
1. We open up with Shawn getting REAL aggressive on the couch in Kaitlyn’s room, asking her if she loves him. This conversation boils down to Shawn being hurt that she gave Chili’s manager Jared the rose on the group date.
2. Let’s go ahead and make this quite clear. NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT NICK AND KAITLYN’S RIDE ON THE POUND TOWN EXPRESS. Yes, that’s right. She’s been freaking out over a scenario that she’s completely made up in her head and we have to listen to her whine about it. This is why Xanax was invented.
3. JJ and Joe get a 2-on-1 date, and guess what? Kaitlyn doesn’t know if she can put aside her anxiety over Shawn’s feelings being hurt and focus on this date.
JJ tells Kaitlyn he cheated on his wife 3 years ago, and he also has a 3 year old daughter. You do the math. I want to be surprised by this, but I’ve seen his colorful shoulder sleeve tat, so I don’t even think twice about it. Kaitlyn gives JJ the “not fair to your kid” edit and sends him packing.
4. Shawn’s now thinking he doesn’t know how much longer he can stay on the show. He’s the equivalent of the skinny friend who constantly says she feels fat so everyone will tell her she’s not. He’s making trip number 2 to her room. We’re 27 minutes in.
5. I wish Nick would ask the guys coming back from dates, “but did you get to know every part of her?” and watch them squirm. That would be great TV. Also, just for shits and giggles, can we get a reminder of the remaining guys who picked Kaitlyn and who picked Britt? Just curious.
6. I’ve been wondering who Shawn looks like, and no, it’s not Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. Then one of my friends found it.
7. Tonight’s Rose Ceremony features auditions for ABC’s next reality show. During his exit speech Ben Z. says, “Having that forever love is everything to me,” which comes in the form of 11 episodes, 30 desperate chicks, and a cross country media tour. Basically, he’s my favorite to be the next Bachelor. Some guy named Tanner also gets sent home.
8. Shawn says, “We all screw up. I don’t know what she means by she made a mistake.” Shawn, she literally screwed up.
Now they are on a new couch for feelings talk number 3. We’re an hour in. Kaitlyn and Shawn decide to take a “step back.” WTF does that even mean when one of you is dating five other people?
9. Jared gets a one-on-one date. This is funny because it’s not actually a date. He just gets to drive the car Kaitlyn’s riding in. They visit the Blarney Stone so they can kiss it for good luck….in their future relationships because there is no chance she picks him.
I would wash this rock in Purell before I touched it. Can you get an STD from a rock?
10. Cupcake Chris says that his soul is like the town they are in because it’s old and has been well kept, and this is how I know I need to pay attention because this clown is about to do something special.
11. Chris Harrison “drops a bomb” and says that they’re going to do the fantasy suite dates with 3 guys next week so everyone gets off-camera time with Kaitlyn (SHADE) and then hometowns, where only 2 will go. They will also stay put in Ireland to continue this “journey around the world.”
12. I know this one-on-one with Chris is going to be great because Kaitlyn’s wearing her hair up, a scarf, and little make up, which is code for she’s just not that into you. They’re going on a picnic, because ABC’s apparently broke.
Kaitlyn sends Chris home, and he seems fine in front of her. What self-respecting woman can marry a husband nicknamed Cupcake anyway? I don’t care that he’s a dentist. That’s like half a doctor.
13. Then Chris gives us the best male meltdown in the history of this show, saying, “This could easily end up being the biggest day of my life.” I don’t think Kaitlyn leaving in a helicopter with him on the side of a cliff sobbing hysterically into his scarf is quite what he envisioned.
Just when I didn’t think this could get any more entertaining, I was reminded that you all will argue with Clay about literally ANYTHING…
See ya never, Chris. Maybe one day you’ll be able to mold that cupcake into a pair of cake balls. Next week on The Bachelorette — Kaitlyn does something dumb. You can follow along on twitter @MattieLouOKTC