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Let’s just take a moment and give a shout out to Bruce Jenner, who decided to give a big screw you to Kris Jenner and spell her new name with a C. Why is this important? Because it saved me loads of confusion during last night’s episode on Twitter.
I’m currently in the middle of moving, which I will never do again, and I still don’t have cable/internet, so Ole Miss all-time Fratlete Zack Rutland saved the day so I could write this for all of you. Let’s sumo, ya creeps…
1. What is with doing the rose ceremony at the beginning of each episode? I’m no programming genius ABC but pretty sure that’s not the reason ratings were slipping. This whole “to be continued” nonsense is about as cool as a tweet saying, “Stay tuned, big news coming.”
2. Kupah is still Krazy. Apparently he continues rambling to the cameras about race and chlamydia. You should probably get that checked out, brah. Kaitlyn then says see ya never to Daniel the fashion designer (no chance he’s straight) and Cory without an E.
3. In a huge plot twist, the guys have to compete against each other, this episode by sumo wrestling. Big league hair Clint is excited because ABC’s editing department would like us to think he is gay, and he gets to relive those D3 college wrestling glory days.
4. JJ is so super pumped about this date because he LOVES sushi and Japanese culture. In other words, his colorful tat sleeve contains a buried Japanese symbol that stands for california roll.
5. All we get out of this date is that ABC wanted to test out the censor bar and that Tony has no interest in returning to the primal instincts that he’s worked hard to get away from. He sits out the second part of the date to make out with some plants or something.
6. Ben Z. gets the one-on-one date that was planned by Chris Harrison, again with the irrelevant “plot twists.” The date is in a house that looks like it was decorated by the producers of Fear Factor. Kaitlyn has a meltdown about the birds flying around because they’re terrifying, yet she has 3 birds tatted on her arms.
7. Ben and Kaitlyn are searching for number clues or something. Does it even matter? The first clue is a picture of Britt’s face and the number 41. Ironically, this is the number of days since Britt’s last shower and since Brady lost his “sustainable music career.”
8. The password to get out of the house is roses. They should have started guessing passwords immediately to avoid the garbage inside because it’s obviously going to be something cheesy. In unsurprising news, Ben and Kaitlyn get out of the house safely.
9. Ben Z. gets a rose and tells Kaitlyn he hasn’t cried in 11 years. Clearly he’s never watched a Tom Rinaldi College GameDay segment.
10. Back at the house, the boys are getting angry about JJ and Clint’s blooming bromance. Again, this is a game show and a competition and these two clowns have figured it out and now they’re just screwing with the rest of the cast. I find it hilariously entertaining.
11. Next up is sex ed, which should become a permanent group date. The guys get to explain puberty and sex to a classroom full of child actors who ask horribly uncomfortable questions. Ben H. nails it.
12. Before the second part of the date, Tony, the quitter, tells Kaitlyn he needs to go home because he has the heart of a warrior and spirit of a gypsy, and why can’t they do something peaceful and loving on their dates?
13. Cocktail party time, or let’s all tell Kaitlyn that two people are causing drama in the house. That strategy always works. Out of the 15 remaining, 13 tattle on JJ and Clint for… being cocky, I think, but I’m not sure they even know. The ringleader is Jared, who probably instigates all kinds of shit at his Chili’s.
14. Clint tells us he needs to get a rose to stay so he can be around JJ, but he’s not really into Kaitlyn. ABC, you’ve taken this too far. He says he doesn’t think his strategy of letting her come talk to him if she wants to is working. Weird.
15. The two best quotes of the night come from our alleged “Brokeback Bachelors” JJ and Clint. Clint says about convincing Kaitlyn to let him stay: “I’m wearing my power socks. I felt like I had the power, and I just had to abuse it.” JJ says he feels like he’s dealing with a “bunch of JV croquet players,” and now I’m convinced he might actually be gay.
16. The show ends with another “to be continued” featuring Kaitlyn talking with Clint after he’s been tattled on, and JJ and Clint having a lovers’ quarrel. Next week, Kaitlyn considers bringing back America’s favorite slut shamer, Nick.
OKTC Bachelors Update
This week we’re taking a break from fun facts about Sikes and John. Sikes was playing on the road to Omaha, and John had to be a pro golfer yesterday. Low key stuff. Next week they’ll be back and bigger than ever, so keep sending in your applications to get in on their game of love to email@example.com. Follow along on twitter @MattieLouOKTC.