The Bachelor Season 18 Guide

By Cippy Wallace

This is your annual OKTC guide to understanding The Bachelor, and consequently, women in general. I will be recapping the bachelor each week until the final episode where TRUE LOVE is revealed. Let's dig in. First, the cast. 

Reasoning: I imagine Chris Harrison after 18 seasons of this train wreck thinks of these contestants (or as ABC calls them, the cast) as Clay Travis thinks of Alabama’s 85% every time they tweet him "your gay,” “your a Muslim,” and "OKTC should fire Clay Travis immediately.” What these contestants fail to realize is how much Chris Harrison doesn’t care because people just keep begging to come on the show, which keeps him employed. Bottom Line: people are dumb.

The Bachelor: Juan Pablo as Skip Bayless  

Reasoning: I’m sure the initial reaction to this choice is what is this girl thinking?? Why isn’t somebody as attractive as Tom Brady or Eric Decker filling in for the role of Juan Pablo?? It’s simple. Juan Pablo just spews constant bullshit, constantly. Half of the things this guy says don’t make any sense, and not just because of the language barrier. He’s essentially a more attractive Skip Bayless. Skip spews nonsense for the retweets and attention and Juan-Pobs figured this out and thus he is now the Bachelor. As we watch this season we wonder how ABC picked this nimrod just as we wonder how Skip Bayless is stilled employed by ESPN.

Contestant: Chelsie as Mike Gundy

Reasoning: Chelsie gets asked to go on a one on one date with Juan Pablo while Elise is left back at the mansion without a date. Elise then complains to the house and all of America that Chelsie is a baby and so young and how is she old enough to be a good step mother to Juan-Pobs daughter?? Enter Mike Gundy and the “I’m a man, I’m FORTY!!” press conference as her defense. 

Contestant: Clare as Alabama’s 85%

Reasoning: Let’s start out with what Clare did upon getting out of the limo on the first night. She showed up with a (fake) baby belly, just like most of the Alabama 85% does for the spring game every year. Clare might be the contestant that makes me cringe the most with every word that comes out of her mouth. Last week she told Juan Pablo that when he made her eat octopus she threw up in her mouth and then swallowed it. Naturally he kissed her after that. Clare is still around, because of course she is.

 

Contestant: Renee as Jason Fox

Reasoning: Now you are all probably saying, who?? That’s the point. Renee is the girl who is playing therapist to all the other girls. She's the mom. Before the show started this is not what I would have thought about her at all….just like I wouldn’t expect a guy who played for Miami and is on the same team as Suh and Fairley to be such a good guy. I imagine Jason Fox plays “dad” on occasion. He’s a devout Christian who loves doing charity work with children. I hope for Renee’s sake she doesn’t win because she could do much better. She still around because she’s awesome.

Recap Week 6:

This week Juan Pablo (JP) and the ladies travel to New Sea-land (also known as New Zealand to everyone not named Juan Pablo) where the water goes down as quickly as the ladies. Things are getting “real, real” as opposed to just, real. Come watch as we explore this amazing, cool, amazing, incredible, awesome, and amazing experience. It’s AMAZING, got it? JP says this was the perfect place to take the girls in order to get to know them better -even though he can’t pronounce the name of the country- because it is a beautiful place with rivers and mountains, just like Vietnam last week!  Also, this week we will learn that Cassandra is turning the big DOUBLE DEUCES and we will do everything in our power to not acknowledge it. This episode will leave you missing the Bachelor Petting Zoo of last week. Let’s get started brown bears….

This week’s key players shared their thoughts going into the week ahead:

Chelsie: “I just can’t believe I’m in New Zealand dating this amazing man. I never thought I would be somewhere this beautiful.”

1. You went on The Bachelor. Yes you did expect to be here. 2. You are not dating a guy if he is also sucking face with 7 other girls.  

Kat: “JP and I have been at a “slow boil” the past 5 weeks and I hope we can start to speed things up.”

Renee is playing counselor again only 7 minutes in. This time to Cassandra. Renee, please take your counselor’s certificate and find someone who is good enough for you.

Andi: 5 minutes into the episode, and we are reminded yet again that she has not had a Juan-on-Juan date this season! I bet you’ll never guess who gets the first Juan-on-Juan date this week…..ANDI!!! No Way!!

Cassandra: This week’s episode has been on for 11 minutes, and we’ve been told today is her 22nd birthday approximately 4 times already. She  also lets us know that she has been waiting for so long for someone to come along….so the entire three months since she and Rodney Stuckey broke up. Cassandra is SHOCKED that Andi got the first Juan-on-Juan date, because it’s her TWENTY SECOND birthday. If you hadn’t heard.  

Clare wants us to know that she should get the first Juan-on-Juan date this week in order to clear up the “motion in the ocean” that went down in Vietnam. Because yes, that’s what needs clearing up the most in this situation, not the UTI she almost certainly contracted…..also, she thinks things are going to ERUPT in New Zealand!

Juan-on-Juan with Andi

Andi will hopefully now stop bitching since the long sought after Juan-on-Juan time has been acquired…but probably not.

JP shares with us that his main goal for the date is getting Andi to trust him and how that is so important. What better place to build trust than a secluded waterfall called “The Squeeze?”

Andi’s goals for the date are the same consistent tactics used in the previous 5 weeks….make out in water, act like she can’t believe she’s in a foreign country, grow their trust in one another, exclaim this is the most romantic date she’s ever been on and that she wants their relationship to explode.

After traveling by boat they must get out and navigate the rough and unknown terrain to reach The Squeeze. Andi says that it feels good to be taken care of, referencing how JP helped her climb over the rock. I mean, nothing makes me feel more taken care of than some strange man taking me to a secluded cave in the middle of a foreign country, nothing.

They arrive at a waterfall and OMG IT’S THE MOST AMAZING THING THEY HAVE EVER SEEN. Seriously, the manmade waterfall in the classic TLC 90’s hit was better than this. After groping each other under the waterfall (that’s water location make out #5), they share their thoughts on what they hope for the rest of the date.

Andi says, “The trust between Juan Pablo and I is growing…it’s kind of like The Squeeze…you don’t know what’s around the corner. I hope we just explode at dinner.” She also hopes they can “get in depth” with each other, or as Clare calls it…swimming!

Dinner is in front of a geyser that EXPLODES and ruins their dinner. It also probably smells like sulfur, so a fart, but nothing can ruin this date. According to Andi, it was AMAZING to feel the heat of the Earth bubbling up in the water. She then asks JP what he’s looking for….to which he says…”um to find a wife.” No further specifications needed. Andi accepts his rose.

Group-On-Juan Date: Kat, Chelsie, Nikki, Renee, Sharleen, Cassandra

Location: In a field playing in OGO’s (large wet balls you roll around in) and Hobbiton (where Lord of the Rings was filmed) and did we mention….today is Cassandra’s TWENTY SECOND BIRTHDAY!!

Kat seems super excited to find out they will be wearing bathing suits to roll around in large balls. I’m sure it has nothing to do with her fun bags.

Chelsie says this is the most fun she’s had in her 24 years of life on a date! This is also the most beautiful place she’s ever seen, apparently more so than Vietnam where she used the exact same words last week.

Nikki and JP kiss in the OGO so JP is up to SIX different water make outs. Nikki wants JP to really understand that she’s falling for him, but that she doesn’t want to have any regrets during her time here. Apparently going on The Bachelor doesn’t qualify as a regret.

Renee continues to play counselor to Cassandra. JP tells us for the millionth time that she is a mother and goes on to say that all he thinks about when he thinks of her is her interacting with her son…as opposed to doing what with him? Then they suck face because he runs out of adjectives to describe her.

Sharleen has doubts y’all, in case you didn’t pick up on that in the previous 5 weeks. She throws out the word “inorganic” to describe the process of the Bachelor, which JP ignores because he has no idea what it means. He then tries to kiss her so she’ll stop talking, which leads to her saying “you just cut to the chase don’t you.” JP then asks what the hell this means. She attempts to explain, gives up, sucks some more face. Sharleen gets the most excited we’ve seen her all season when they get to Hobbiton because she’s a huge fan! She gets the group date rose and acts like she has no idea how. Her reaction is the equivalent of Taylor Swift’s “surprised” award show face.

Cassandra’s a little confused about what Lord of The Rings is since she wasn’t old enough to go see it in theatres. Once they move past that awkwardness we find out that IT’S HER BIRTHDAY!! Cassandra states that this is the best night of her life even though she’s said TWO words to JP up until the cocktail party at the end of the date. JP ends up taking her outside and sending her home…on her birthday…without ever acknowledging that it was her birthday. Juan is the loneliest number. In the limo Cassandra says she’s been waiting SO LONG for somebody special. 22 whole years… will she die alone??

Cassandra, if it makes you feel better we lost the Iron Bowl on my 22nd birthday. Fast fact: JP made out with 5 of the 6 girls on this date. Penicillin, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots (for) everybody!!

Juan-On-Juan date with Clare

Location: hanging out in sweatpants in a random field by a river for a picnic.

Clare wants us to know that there is a distinct difference in being honest with someone and hurting their feelings. Also, she suggests that JP is more than welcome to apologize on this date. I wouldn’t hold my breathe.

Awkward picnic talk leads to Clare asking what JP’s boundaries are. Basically no sex unless it’s in the water. GOT IT. Unable to let it go, she insists on asking WAS WHAT WE DID REALLY THAT INAPPROPRIATE?! No, Clare, sex in an ocean on national TV on date 4 is totes appropriate. JP is tired of hearing her talk so he starts kissing her…because OF COURSE. Clare feels the need to ask if that was their first fight. RUN. STAGE FIVE CLINGER. It should be noted that while she’s celebrating his “apology” he never actually said he was sorry.

Back at JP’s house, Clare tells him that the way he, like, talks about his daughter, and, like, respects her, like, makes her not want to bolt. Juan Pablo doesn’t know what bolt means, but sees this as the perfect opportunity to give her a rose and tell her he’s glad she isn’t “BOLTING OR WHATEVER THAT WORD WAS.” Exact words.

Clare announces to America that she and JP are the kind of couple who make other people want what they have. Fact: nobody in the world wants what you two have. Nobody.

Cocktail Party:

Nikki humblebrags that this is the first time she hasn’t had a rose at a cocktail party since the first night. When JP asks why she likes him, the second grade child inside of her says “I just do, okay.” She gets a rose.

Sharleen already has a rose, still has doubts, but now there’s a new feeling…guilt. SharShar decides she’ll give it one more week. Milk those 15 minutes!

Renee. JP loves that she’s a mom, they make out, she doesn’t have to play counselor anymore this week, and she gets a rose.

Clare has a rose so we don’t have to listen to her for the rest of the episode. OH HAPPY DAY!!

Andi also already has a rose.

Chelsie lets JP know that she’s here for a reason, and that she wants them to continue to grow and see growth in their relationship. She uses the word “frazzled,” which he definitely doesn’t know what this means. This is the point in the episode where I wonder how I’m still watching this show. After some anxiety, Chelsie gets the last rose. Let’s all look forward to another week of growth!

Kat should’ve let her fun bags do the talking. She tells JP for the fourth week in a row about her daddy issues and how she has been journaling about them. Part of it breaks your heart, the other part makes you pour more wine. He clearly doesn’t understand the concept of journaling. She apologizes for telling an “odd” story, prompting JP to ask for the definition of odd. Kat gets sent home and tells us in the limo that love is “a marathon, not a sprint.”

Long, painful and relentless. Kinda like this show.