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There were FIVE hours of this train wreck the past two nights. FIVE. I’m losing my ability to watch intently, but according to y’all on Twitter the less I care the more entertaining these recaps get. That means each hour will only get TWO top plays. Seriously. Why ABC insists on running these episodes during television events like the National Championship Game, SNL 40, etc. I don’t know. The sad part about the end of last night’s episode is that the remaining three are normal, and we haven’t seen that in a long, long time. Let’s not cry because it’s over, let’s smile because there was still some crazy that went down….
Top Ten Plays
1. Chris Harrison Tell All….where nobody told us anything we didn’t already know. We all knew good and well that Kelsey is delusional and psychotic, which she showed us. Chris is genuinely here for the right reasons and best of all, we learned that Andi Dorfman’s left hand got a little bit lighter.
2. As promised, I’ll give you some “inside scoop” on Andi and Josh. Let it be known that I had zero sympathy for this chick as she sat there awkwardly sobbing. Did she even say 30 words? All of us who know Josh knew something was off for a long time. She put it best when she said, “they didn’t make each other better people.” This team was never going to hit a home run. Did you all know Josh played baseball?
3. Make-up Megan was sent back to Nashville before the rose ceremony and before Chris decided he didn’t want to have a rose ceremony and he was taking ALL of these Trina’s to Arlington, Iowa. While they’re technically in Iowa, they aren’t in Arlington, they’re in Des Moines, whose pronunciation still pisses off the 3rd grader inside of me. Once they arrive, Jade decides to tell Carly about her “secret Playboy shoot.” Carly responds with my favorite line all season, “Hey Mom, don’t google my wife!!” Fantastic. We also learn that Jade’s dad found out about it from his co-workers, co-workers being code for subscription. In Jade’s defense, at least she’s getting paid for her pics instead of sending them out via snapchat like some of you morons.
4. Jade gets the one-on-one date to go to Chris’s high school’s football game, because that’s how small this town is. It’s so small the football players play in the band at halftime. Chris takes her on a tour of his high school where they proceed to make out in the hallways. I imagine Hugh Hefner dialing her up at this point saying, “If you want to come back and do a reunion shoot, let’s play off of the school girl theme.” Leaving they pass a sign that says, “chicken, pizza, fro-yo, and liquor to-go.” Say all you want about Arlington, Iowa, but all the major food groups are covered.
5. Next up was Whitney and her one-on-one. It’s so clear she’s a front runner. I’m such a big fan that her voice doesn’t even bother me anymore. They visit a museum exhibit featuring all of these pictures of people around the town. Surprising no one, the couple wanders around the city of Des Moines to take their own pictures. While Chris and Whitney are at dinner, an artist recreates one of their pictures as a mural on the side of a building. The best part about this is that the guy in the mural looks exactly like Chris, but the girl could be any of them. Way to think ahead ABC. While they’re on their date Carly, Becca, and Britt go to Arlington. Britt cannot see herself there, Becca doesn’t say much, and Carly thinks they’re soul mates because his church and her grandparents have the same picture of Jesus. Yes, this is a sign you’ve found the one, from a mass produced picture of the realest O.G.
6. The group date is where things get fun, and by fun I mean Britt goes nuts and blows it and I finally am somewhat entertained by this garbage. It doesn’t even matter what they did during this date. Carly tells Chris that Britt doesn’t really like Arlington, Britt is angrier than Kanye at his worst moment, and Kaitlyn gets the group date rose, because she’s cool. Carly is great, until she gets around Chris and turns into a stage 5.
7. We start with Becca and Chris on a one-on-one where you can just tell that either Becca is super boring or the x-factor isn’t there, but they’re both really pretty. Back at the hotel, Carly calls Britt out when she says she’s packed her stuff and is saying deuces to the land of corn. I don’t believe Britt either… she’s the girl who starts fights with her boyfriend just for the hell of it and breaks up with him just to watch him beg her to stay. Naturally, she cries through this entire thing and Chris sends her home before the rose ceremony. Sadly, he then sends Carly back to the Cruise Ship. I’ll miss your snarky commentary, Carly!
8. Hometown Dates usually explain so much about these chicks, but not this year. Becca takes Chris to Louisiana, because since when are they actually from where they say they are? Becca’s sister, who is married to former LSU Star Jacob Hester basically tells Chris to not even bother trying to take Becca into the fantasy suite. Sisters are just the best. The rest of the family is fine. Becca still doesn’t drop the virgin bomb, thankfully saving something for next week. Then on Kaitlyn’s date, I’ll be honest, I didn’t really pay attention, but I did see them attempting to rap. Kaitlyn still seems pretty normal, big fan.
9. Jade. Oh Jade, you wild mustang. Her brother’s words, not mine. When you tell a guy who seems pretty conservative that you were in Playboy, just leave it at that. You’ve known him for all of seven weeks now. Don’t make him look at your nudie pics AND video. He’ll be sweet and say something along the lines of “I’m interested in the person, not their career.” I don’t care what Chris says, but why buy the cow when you can see the wild mustang on the internet for free? Lastly we have Whitney’s date. I did not realize her mom had died and her dad was not a part of her life. She has some family there who seem to genuinely want the best for her, she’s smart and BEGS her sister to not screw this up for her. WHY don’t we see this more often? She took Chris to her job and showed him how she makes babies. If this wasn’t her job, it would be beyond creepy.
10. At the rose ceremony, Jade was sent home to her “organic make up line.” Read: nude modeling career. Word on the street is that Britt will be the new bachelorette, and I’m here to tell you that if that’s the case, this will be my last season of recaps. The only thing keeping me interested this season is the hopes of some MAJOR blow ups at the Women Tell All special. So much potential, don’t screw this up ABC.
There’s not a “Find Fuhrman A Bae” this week, because I think a separate grand finale would be the only proper way to try one last time to find our pal love, but you can still email me submissions. I’ll be live tweeting, per usual, BOTH episodes next week @MattieLouOKTC.