The Bachelor Recap, Episode 9

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THE BACHELOR – Chris Soules, the stylish farmer from Iowa, is ready to put his heartache behind him to search for the one missing piece in his life – true love – when he stars in the 19th edition of ABC’s hit romance reality series, “The Bachelor,” which returns to ABC in January 2015. (Photo by Craig Sjodin/ABC via Getty Images) Craig Sjodin Disney ABC Television Group

This episode was so incredibly boring that it’s going to be difficult for me to come up with the ten top plays, but I’ll try. I can’t remember the last time on this show the final three contestants were completely normal. Technically, they all have one “flaw,” but it’s all relative and for this show I wouldn’t even call them flaws.

Let’s watch them read a card on national television that should really just say, “Yo, are you DTF?”

1. The cast finally leave the U.S. so everyone can stop tweeting about Chris not getting the normal travel budget. I don’t know who chose Bali, but it’s beautiful, even with the horrendous hotel plugs throughout the entire episode. Can’t ABC afford to not have to plug these hotels? I don’t understand this.

2. The second thing I do not understand is why these girls, and it happens EVERY SEASON, are unable to just give the bachelor a regular hug when they see them. Why must you do the straddle jump and hug? Is it asking too much to not see the girls’ butt cheeks peek out of the bottom of their shorts? 

3. First up is Kaitlyn — my favorite who I know he isn’t going to pick. They visit a temple, wear sarongs, and can’t kiss. Womp womp (her words, not mine). They’re carrying baskets around on their heads, doing some spiritual stuff, and you don’t actually care so let’s move on.

4. Monkeys are everywhere and one of them pees on Chris and linen shirt numero uno. As Kaitlyn says “I feel like the monkeys see the bananas and go and get what they want.” I see what you did there Kaitlyn… foreshadowing for the fantasy suite. She tells him her family was obsessed with him and redrops the “L word.” When the fantasy suite card is brought out, they both agree to use it. I am SHOCKED.

5. The next straddle hug comes from Whitney. Chris and Whitney go on a boat ride — the highlight of which is the camera repeatedly panning to the ship captain’s thumbs up. Whitney wants to make sure Chris knows that her sister (who wouldn’t give him her blessing) is a lawyer, so that’s why she hates everything. She makes it clear to him that she’s falling in love and can easily move to Iowa. She’s a nurse, and every town needs a nurse, even Arlington, Iowa.

6. At dinner, Whitney tells us that she’s so ready to spend one night with Chris. Just one. She also sets women back to the 1950’s by saying all she’s ever wanted to be is a mom and housewife. Fine, I understand that, ultimately it’s probably what I want to do, but it freaks guys out. It should freak them out as much as hearing “I’m falling in love with you” after 6 weeks and 7 dates. Whitney accepts the fantasy suite.

7. The last straddle hug comes from virgin (in case you didn’t know from the promos) Becca. Chris has moved on to sweating through orange linen. The two visit some spiritual guru, and he tells them they should bang tonight, which I’m sure ABC had nothing to do with.

8. Becca is the only one who doesn’t say she’ll be on the first plane to Iowa. Weird how he likes that, isn’t it? Home girl waits until she accepts the fantasy suite card and then drops the virgin bomb. Chris laughs, because he doesn’t care. I am impressed by Becca’s ability to not show any sort of emotion.  

9. On to the rose ceremony where everyone is in some sort of coordinating outfit. The smartest thing these girls did all season was demand a hair stylist for the humidity that plagued them in Bali. They all have on a different color top, and I’m choosing to believe there was a serious argument over who got to wear which color. Chris Harrison says this is one of the most sacred places in Bali so respect the holy grounds. I know — let’s bring in our American TV show about dating multiple women at once and just piss all over that. USA! USA! USA!

10. I was positive Becca was going home, but then again what do I know? I thought this because the SEC screwed up bowl season so badly it was the only logical conclusion. Chris asks to have a little pow wow with Becca before giving out any roses. He ends up giving the 2 roses to Whitney and Becca, so we’ve got an SEC national championship finale. I’m officially starting the campaign for Kaitlyn to be the new Bachelorette.

Next week is the women tell all and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about it. Of course I’ll be live tweeting @MattieLouOKTC.

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.