Thankfully, this week is hometown dates. While I think it’s an absolute travesty we aren’t getting to see Olivia interact with her parents, we do get to see Ben squirm. There are so many great things that happen on these hometown dates, but the three consistencies are: Ben cries more than the girls, they’re all waiting for the perfect time to tell him that they love him (vomit), and he sucks at picking out flowers.
Amanda’s hometown. I was so excited to watch Ben attempt to interact with children. Ben asks what her daughters like, and Amanda says they like to be chased. That’s all she’s got. Her kids are named Kinsley and Charli (I’m assuming she spells Charli without the e) because she’s not, like, a normal mom; she’s a cool mom. Ben’s shorts might be as small as my shorts. Amanda, Ben and the kids have a cute and boring day at the beach.
On the way home in the car the girls cry and whine the entire time, and Ben’s getting uncomfortable real quick. Ben’s worried her family is going to be overprotective because her ex-husband hasn’t really helped out with the girls, except the ex came out to US Weekly and called total bullshit on that. Amanda’s dad John is just spitting the truth to Ben about taking on daddy duties while Ben’s turning more and more pale. At the end of the date, her family is not sold on Ben as an “instant dad.” Weird. But Amanda thinks it all went SOOO well.
Lauren B’s hometown. Apparently Lauren B. is a liar and isn’t from California. She’s from 90’s grunge utopia — Portland, OR. Gross. Lauren and Ben visit food trucks, where they consume a foul amount of butter, and then hit up a whisky library…which basically saved Portland from getting my Shreveport treatment. She’s clearly going to win. It doesn’t even matter that she barely brushed her hair. SO Portland.
Lauren B.’s family seems super normal. Every guy on Twitter thinks her sister is super hot. Good for Mollie. Attractive sister tries to talk to Ben, and he starts crying. Seriously. At this point I start to wonder which of my family members would win the race to telling my sister HARD PASS if we were in this situation. But Lauren’s sister is impressed, and Lauren’s still winning this show, even though she doesn’t tell him that she loves him yet.
Caila’s hometown. This chick spells her name wrong, is from Ohio, and calls her mom “Mommy.” That’s like the Holy Trinity of Insufferable. Caila takes Ben on a date to a children’s toy factory to make a playhouse, where she subtly drops that her dad is the CEO of this company. So make a mental note pal, that even though Lauren B. and JoJo are clearly better options, Caila comes from some money.
Caila’s mother has braces. At what age do you just accept the way your teeth look and go with it? Adult braces are so awkward and uncomfortable to me, almost as uncomfortable as Caila’s mother pushing Philippine culture down their throats. Hope you like my country’s food, because that’s all you’re getting here!
Caila’s dad tells her that he doesn’t want her to get swept up in emotion. She tells him that she’s not, because “this is it”….while sobbing. My father would have me committed if I said that after knowing a guy on a TV show for 2 months.
JoJo’s hometown. FINALLY, something entertaining. She shows up at her house, which is apparently across the street from mine, to find roses and a note that she thinks are from Ben. But they are actually from her ex-boyfriend. JoJo starts crying and calls the ex to tell him to fly a kite. Ben arrives, she explains, and he says he’s sorry she had to deal with that today and he wishes he had been there while she made that phone call. I’m sorry, what??
JoJo’s family is great. Her mom has more botox than most women in Dallas, and her dad looks like Dr. Phil. JoJo’s two older brothers are not impressed with Ben. The brothers take turns interrogating him, and JoJo starts crying. The highlight of this date is JoJo’s mother chugging straight out of the champagne bottle, which is what both of my parents would be doing if I brought somebody home from a reality TV show.
The Rose Ceremony. Amanda is shown saying that if Ben were to propose to her right then, she would say yes, and then she doesn’t even get a rose. Brutal. Amanda handles it pretty well though, so props to her but Ben cries, like a lot. But the real loser here is Amanda’s daughter Kinsley, who is going to have to tell people that’s her name as a grown adult. WOOF.
Follow along next week @MattieLouOKTC as we watch them just talk and cuddle but definitely not do it in the fantasy suite.