The Bachelor Recap, Episode 7

This was the most boring episode of the season in a landslide. Also, since when does every girl get a date every episode? Oh right, when the President of the Wussification of America became the new bachelor. Participation medals for EVERYONE. Let's dive into the recap since all of you watched the Grammy's instead.

Ben hangs out with his parents first. He tells us he's so excited to see them and talk about what's been going on. What bullshit. He called them right after he met all the girls, so we know he's talked to them every day, probably multiple times. They know EXACTLY what's been going on.

After his pow wow with Mommy and Daddy, he's off to get the biddies. It would be weird if Ben picked them up in anything but a pontoon boat. Nothing was a bigger disappointment than going to the lake with your friends as a kid and finding out their family boat was a pontoon. Just total juice box buzzkill.  

Lauren B. get the first one-on-one date, and the girls are all pissed. They are starting to care (read: "love" him) and so they get super offended when they don't get a date. It's great. Lauren B. is all like, duh, of course I got the first one-on-one, I've run away with this in a landslide. Ben picks her up in a cool, old truck that he never actually drove when he was growing up.

So what super awesome date does Lauren get to enjoy? She gets to play basketball at the suburban white people version of a Boys & Girls Club. SUCKS. When some players from the Indiana Pacers arrive, she pretends to know exactly who they are when we know she doesn't have a clue. At one point Ben helps a crying little boy, and it's cute because it's like Ben when he was that age, except he just hasn't outgrown it. Lauren sums up their date with this deep statement, "I'm not in love with Ben the Bachelor, I'm in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana."

JoJo, my soon-to-be new BFF, gets the next one-on-one. Let's relive the jealousy freak out from the other girls, except add in Lauren B. since JoJo is going to Chicago. JoJo and Ben "play" baseball at an empty Wrigley Field, and then have dinner. JoJo tells Ben she's really trying to calm her fears, and Ben is like okay cool. That was it.

Group Date! Becca, Amanda, and Caila. I'm calling it now--Caila is going to pull some crazy backstabbing move before she's sent home. The group heads to a farm to fly kites. How charming and quaint! Except there are only 2 kites and 4 of them. That's rough. ABC is broke, and everyone looks miserable. After kites, they move into a repurposed barn, probably from Chris and Whitney's finale, where Ben explains the concept of a group date rose. We're on week 7, pal, pretty sure even these nimrods get it. Each girl gets one-on-one time, and Becca says repeatedly that she doesn't want to be "blindsided." I'm fully prepared for LeighAnn Tuohy to walk out and say, "Bess your heart, but it's time to pack your shit and go."

Amanda gets the group date rose, and Ben sends the other two back to the house, which means we get to see Amanda's kids in her hometown next week. I truly feel like this is a pity rose. Like, sorry you left your kids for two months, I guess I should at least meet them. It probably goes without saying that Ben won't be able to handle her kids.

Next comes the most shameful plug in Bachelor history. Amanda and Ben visit the local McDonald's and take drive thru orders. Yes, you read that right. Afterward he takes her to the fair. So really this was a date for kids, not for an adult, but again, Ben's still a baby.

Emily gets a one-on-one, and it's the best part of this snoozefest. Ben takes her to his parents' house--on the pontoon boat of course. Emily thinks meeting the parents is a positive sign, when to everyone watching it's clearly a test, and one that Emily fails. Ben's parents are less than impressed. In fact, Ben's mother CRIES because she's worried he's going to pick someone like this who isn't ready to be a wife. Wait, the girl who told Ben's dad, "I really like movies. If I could watch movies all day every day, that would be my perfect life," doesn't seem like wife material? Emily is oblivious to the fact that it's not going well. This date should be required viewing for anyone meeting her boyfriend's parents in the near future. Just be sure to do the complete opposite. Ben tells her this isn't going to work and sends her home. Emily, it's definitely because you don't like vegetables.

Rose Ceremony! I was fully prepared for Ben to puss out of this and claim "emotional exhaustion," but he didn't. He sends Becca home, and she is, um, less than thrilled. In fact, I think it's safe to say she felt..blindsided.

Next week we have hometown dates. Again, no shot Amanda survives, and it looks like JoJo is going to give us some hometown drama! Oh baby! Follow along @MattieLouOKTC.