The Bachelor Recap, Episode 3

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IOWAnnaaa wait for this night to be over…

No really, I do not want to wait for this episode to end. Sorry, did I just ruin the Dawson’s Creek theme song for you?? Whoops. This was my least favorite episode so far, but it did have some moments of glory. It should probably be my favorite since Jimmy Kimmel and his commentary basically wrote this recap for me, but it’s not. The girls are starting to have ALL of the feelings and ALL of those feelings are getting hurt. I’m also concerned Chris is going to develop a case of mono, and that stuff stays with you for life. Seriously.

I’ve gotten more emails from people “in the industry” (yes, I felt like a douche canoe typing that) telling me how excited y’all are that we are trying to “Find Todd Fuhrman A Bae.” Here’s the deal, we’re all excited, but either include one of your friend’s applications to, or get out of my inbox, but I love and respect you all greatly. Next week I’ll get to see Todd in his familial habitat….what do I mean by this? I’ll be in Phoenix for most of the week for Super Bowl activities, and Todd’s planning most of the schedule. If we make it out in one piece, we’ll deserve a medal. This being the case, we’ve only got a couple of facts this week to prepare for an overload the next two weeks.  

Find Fuhrman A Bae

  1. Todd has no clue about what it’s like to grow up in the south. I try and enlighten him daily and he finds this beyond entertaining. I would prefer we find him a southern girl.

  2. Todd hates for his dates to post things about where and what they are doing all over social media. I agree, ladies stop doing this, nobody cares anyway.

Mastering the Make-Out

The show opens with Jimmy Kimmel climbing in bed with Chris. Kimmel meets with the ladies and introduces the concept of the “Amazing” jar. This is fantastic, and I want to know if the girls really put in $1 every time they said the word “amazing.” Chris Harrison just stands there, because he has the easiest job in America. He might have said 15 words this week. HOW DO I GET THIS JOB?? 

One-on-one with Kaitlyn: The date card says they are “about to join an exclusive club- sweeping views, high ceilings, and appetizers await.” Sounds dreamy, and IT IS. They go to Costco. Here’s the deal, I got a Costco card for my birthday, and it is easily one of my favorite gifts. Chris and Kaitlyn seem to have a blast during their trip to Costco, but seriously, who doesn’t? I love how they are trying to keep some of the dates this season “normal,” because that’s how Chris really is. My favorite line of this whole date ….”Who the hell needs helicopters when you’ve got Costco?”…truer words have never been spoken, Chris.

Back at Chris’s house, they cook dinner, make out, and Jimmy Kimmel pops in. It’s awkward but hilarious. 

Group Date: Carly, Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Chelsie, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, and Nikki.

We can’t start this date without being told that Jillian, who terrifies me and should just open a Crossfit gym and post to Facebook all day, every day, works out all the time at the house. So is that why they keep censoring her cunt-ry? So confused by this.

Right after Carly finishes whining about not having been on a date yet, she tells us that she’s not competitive at all. Bullshit. I believe that like I believe Ashley I. and Britt are virgins. 

Becca keeps getting more screen time, so you know she’s staying around for a while. I like her though, so I’m okay with this. And she’s Jacob Hester’s sister-in-law sooo SEC, SEC, SEC.

Kimmel is running the “farm Olympics” on this date. The girls have to drink warm goat’s milk. This is where I say deuces and bail. I don’t care if you’re Kliff Kingsbury or Lane (please don’t leave me) Kiffin.

America’s favorite Barner, Ashley S., who should be excelling in farming activities, is very quiet this episode. WHY did the producers give her the Prozac back? WHY?

In no surprise to anyone, Jillian is kicking ass and taking names. Glad to see CrossFit prepares you people for something. This is where I’ll take a minute to discuss the shirt she is wearing with her child size shorts that are making the cow’s moo, per Mackenzie. It says “Stay Classy.” If there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s that if you tell people you are classy, you aren’t. It’s science.

Noncompetitive Carly has gone from last to tied with probably on steroids” Jillian for first as they try to tackle greased pigs. Carly wins, but ya know she’s LITERALLY not competitive at all. She sucks and Chris seems disappointed she won. Don’t blame him.

Next is a mini cocktail party, where Chris makes out with everyone. We are again reminded that they never feed them on this show, only wine. This show would be the world’s best diet.

Carly steals Chris for Soules-to-Soules time first. This is what comes out of her mouth, “I know I’m like really girly, and sweet, but you’re a man, and I’m a woman, so I just wanted to give you a kiss.” GO BACK TO THE CRUISE SHIP.

Mackenzie, ChildMom, is next for some one-on-one time and asks,”You remember how we kissed and it made me feel special? Why are you kissing everyone else?” With two simple questions, I now know why Mackenzie was a teen mom. We’re done here.

Becca gets the group date rose because she doesn’t want to kiss Chris while he’s busy making out with everyone there. LADIES, TAKE NOTES. I knew I liked this chick. She’s now in my front runners group with Whitney and Katilyn.

One-on-one with Whitney. “Today is going to be fun — no whining.” It’s like Chris knew she was busy filming her this-is-the-end-of-the-road-for-me montage. Whatever, I like her. I didn’t say I liked her voice, I said I liked her. This is saying a lot since her BBN beat the Tide in basketball this weekend, but Alabama came in and ended their cheerleading dynasty and won the National Championship. See, guys reading this, sports.

They go to a beautiful winery where they frolic and have a picnic and OMG what is that? A wedding? How random… in the middle of a picturesque vineyard. Should we crash it? Totally! Just wait as we collect release forms from every wedding guest and make sure the happy couple won’t be taking us to court. 

Whitney lets us know she likes to people watch at airports. Whitney, Kaitlyn, Becca and MLC….the four best friends that anyone could have! Chris also can talk to strangers, I mean hell he sat on the phone with me for three hours trying to convince me to switch teams from Tupac to Biggie. Yes he failed.

They crash this wedding pretending to be engaged because they are worried people will recognize Chris. Nobody does. Juan Pablo would be pissed about this, but Chris seems relieved, and that makes me happy. The date is great and Whitney gets a rose, as she should.

Cocktail Pool Party: Kimmel comes in to tell the ladies that there won’t be a cocktail party but there will be a pool party. The girls’ reactions range from Megan, who is thrilled because her best asset will be put on display to Ashley I. who is disappointed that she doesn’t get to try out her Kardashian look. 

I quickly realize that Ashley I. has been drinking heavily, and there’s no doubt in my mind she’s the girl in her friend group who ALWAYS cries when she’s drunk. These girls are the absolute worst. Great for TV, horrific in real life.

Juelia decides that the fun afternoon pool party is the perfect time to tell Chris about her very tragic life. There probably is not ever a “good” time to drop this bomb, but this is really not the right time. My heart completely breaks for her, but the way she talks about it, I feel like she hasn’t completely processed it and needs to be in therapy instead of on the Bachelor. With that said, I want her to be happy, because she deserves it. This is all I’m going to say about this.

What gets rid of a massive buzz kill? Girls proving that they are not sweet and innocent but are in fact batshit crazy and a stripper. That’s right boys and girls, it’s the Twitter favorite, Jade. Remember how I told y’all to trust me on this chick? Let me prove my point by analyzing this picture of her and Chris. 

  1. If you are not a stripper, you do not own white heels that look like this. 

  2. If you are not a stripper, you do not own a NUDE bikini. 

Jillian, who probably has a penis, is hogging all of the time with Chris. She sneaks down to Chris’s house, again, and waits for him in his hot tub. Then she won’t leave while Chris tries to talk to with the other girls.

Ashly I. is upset by this. So upset she runs up the driveway and cries to the camera about how if she got 10 minutes with him, then she would let someone else have 10 minutes with him. I’m sorry, until you take off that chain headband thing, I will take nothing you say seriously. I probably won’t even then, but it’s a start. She does kind of look like Kim when she cries. 

Rose Ceremony: There are still 6-7 girls here who I’m not sure have said more than 3 words. He’s calling names and I’m all “who the hell are you/let me pull up your bio.” We get a lovely monologue from Ashley I. about how she told Chris she appreciated being called first last week. Ashley, he’s not calling your name because he knows you are a stage five clinger, but the producers have discovered you are a drunk crier and he’s trying to give you a clue that they’re making him keep you, but he doesn’t really want you there.

I’m still super pissed we’ve seen zero of Ashley S, but I calm down because she gets a rose, along with stripper Jade, Samantha who has big boobs but doesn’t talk, Juelia, Mackenzie ChildMom, Kelsey please talk more, Britt, Makeup Megan from Nashville, Cruise Ship Carly, Nikki again who are you, Jillian have you posted your CrossFit WOD to every social media platform today, and Ashley I!

See ya, never: BYE TRINA!!! Yess, I can finally go back to using this. Also bye Amber who doesn’t like warm and salty things in her mouth and Tracy who never talked.

Live tweets are back next week along with emotions that these girls have never felt before. You can follow along @MattieLouOKTC on Twitter.

Written by Clay Travis

Clay Travis is the founder of the fastest growing national multimedia platform, OutKick, that produces and distributes engaging content across sports and pop culture to millions of fans across the country. OutKick was created by Travis in 2011 and sold to the Fox Corporation in 2021.

One of the most electrifying and outspoken personalities in the industry, Travis hosts OutKick The Show where he provides his unfiltered opinion on the most compelling headlines throughout sports, culture, and politics. He also makes regular appearances on FOX News Media as a contributor providing analysis on a variety of subjects ranging from sports news to the cultural landscape. Throughout the college football season, Travis is on Big Noon Kickoff for Fox Sports breaking down the game and the latest storylines.

Additionally, Travis serves as a co-host of The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show, a three-hour conservative radio talk program syndicated across Premiere Networks radio stations nationwide.

Previously, he launched OutKick The Coverage on Fox Sports Radio that included interviews and listener interactions and was on Fox Sports Bet for four years. Additionally, Travis started an iHeartRadio Original Podcast called Wins & Losses that featured in-depth conversations with the biggest names in sports.

Travis is a graduate of George Washington University as well as Vanderbilt Law School. Based in Nashville, he is the author of Dixieland Delight, On Rocky Top, and Republicans Buy Sneakers Too.


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